MIL making false money promises and owes us money

[TheBlueRobin]

My MIL and I have a very surface level friendly relationship. Me and my partner have been together for six years, not married yet and no children. We bought our own home a few years ago and live about 20 miles from ILs.

My partner has two other siblings who are bad with money - a younger sister who in all fairness is still a student but has no idea about saving and has never done any work. My partner has an older brother who is regularly in money trouble and asks for handouts from family. My partner and I are very sensible with money, both work full time and save, don't go into debt etc.

My MIL is prone to making wild promises about money and never keeping them. She also owes my partner money which in my opinion is more outrageous. Examples:

• When my partner was still living at home, before we met (6+ years ago), he was working full time and saving to move out - she knew he had money and borrowed £5k from him for a holiday caravan. More fool him. She even asked my partner for money for ground rent when he was temporarily between jobs. She has since sold the caravan having realised how much the upkeep would be and my partner has never had the money back, despite promises!

• When we were moving, she promised to buy us new white goods. We saved for our deposit and asked nothing from our ILs but she insisted. Instead she offered a second hand washing machine from a friend that wouldn't even fit in the space.

• We have planned a three week trip abroad, and MIL has promised to give us £1000 as a present. We saved for the trip ourselves and expect nothing. But in MILs own words, my partner and I have always been responsible with money compared to her other two children and she'd like to do something nice for us. This trip is now a week away and nothing has materialised. The last thing she said was that she was waiting for a payout from her old job and it would be £500 that she would give to us. I don't think the money will come at all.

• Despite this she is quite nice and did send my partner £100 for his birthday and £100 to me, almost like she's trying to keep us sweet?

It makes no odds to us, we aren't waiting for the money (though the £5k really annoys me) as we're self reliant. My partner will never lend her money again. In fairness to my ILs, they don't have much money. But why make the outrageous promises knowing you can't keep them? Is it ego? Is it narcissism? Is it bad money management?

Mil gets worse with every update.
She's sounds like the big 'I am' but with very little substances......don't fall for it.
It's all about 'look at me ...look at me'
Narcissistic maybe ..,childish definitely......... not very classy... nod and smile (try to keep a straight face)

The will is an interesting one. My ILs inherited partners grandads house last year and ILs were given their own house through someone else's will decades ago, and so they've been thinking about the future more. We have been told that my partner and I are executors' of the will as we're more trustworthy and reliable with money than the other two siblings. We've just let them get on it but also I wouldn't be surprised if things do change.

Oy yes, I was going to reply to the ' they say it so in their head,' comment, but this is it

My Mum constantly promises money and it never materialises but I think she thinks she's been generous

In the past she mentioned giving money I would thank her. Mentions of Christmas money would start in July. I realised it was the thanks she was enjoying. I now just ignore it say not to bother

My dm used to be abit like this but not with larger sums.

Just things like oh let me pay something towards your trip and then nothing and it wouldn't be mentioned again

Or she would suggest going out for breakfast her treat and we would get there and she would go and find a table to sit at and tell me what she wanted but never get her purse out.

She very very rarely remembers to give my youngest the pocket money she promises him every month so I give it to him and say it's from her.

There has been loads of things over the years.

More recently she offered to go halves with me to pay for some work to be done for a family member as they have financial difficulties and when it came to it she passed me £30. The bill was £600

And again she agreed to go halves on a new iPad for family member and then gave me £40 and I had to pay the rest.

There's been one instance since where she offered to go halves on something and I said no mum because you always say that and then the money never materialises so il give you my half and you can sort it all out.

It's not happened since but god it does annoy me

@dothehokeycokey that's terrible- sad and heading towards evil territory.
I'd have fell out with them big and proper over the £600.
They are treating you like an idiot.
I was shocked to find (after their parent had died ) lots of money promised to a dear friend - who regularly did jobs at their house - putting them out of pocket all the time- never materialised on will day - or money for grandchild's mile stone birthday which was regularly talked about in life.
In the trade this is know as a 'Great Big Fat Lair'
Luckily I don't know any personally like that or I'd find myself calling them out on it ...and it would not be pretty.

Yeah, see that's already setting up for drama and unpleasantness, pitting the siblings against each other. 🙄

Can't believe you're on one hand saying that you're IL's are not well off and then on the other hand complaining that they aren't giving you money!
The £5k is none of your business!

Student finance is for livng costs, housing, food gas electric etc it is absolutely the norm that if you stay at home then a portion of that goes to your parents as rent. I don't actually know anyone who doesn't do that.

That's not what's happening.
OP doesn't want the money.
But the empty promises are bloody annoying.

If you have the guts I'd say something like
"Oh will you?"
"Thanks, we'll take it off the £5K"

Then don't rely on her money she is not forcing you to take it

Just do your thing and stay out when it is nothing to do with you

I have a nephew who constantly promises to pay back what he owes, when he gets his next payment, when he sells his motorbike, when his insurance pays out etc etc. I continued to 'loan' him money until one day I told him I had nothing spare, just my savings for the quarterly utilities bill but it was due in the next 10 days. He promised faithfully that he would have it back to me before then....... Didn't hear from him until he needed another handout a few months later. The next time he phoned me I told him I was done caring about his finances as he clearly didn't care about mine. I said I loved him and would always welcome him to my home for a meal and a chat but that I would never ever give him so much as 1 penny again. That was over 3 years ago and I have not heard from him since.
I accept that I will never see any of the money I have loaned out again, but I sleep easier at night with the knowledge that my wages are now only supporting one household - mine!

Whether your OH ever seriously plans on getting the 5K back is up to him. If he does, then he needs to agree a repayment plan with his mother and deal with that separately to everything else. If he won’t deal with it, that means he is writing it off. That would be silly of him, but you can’t live in state of feeling resentful about it and hoping she might someday maybe pay it back. Either ask for it back, agree a plan, or write it off (physically and mentally).

Don’t lend her money again.

Take any offers of money with a pinch of salt unless she actually hands it to you. In fact, even more, give her a firm ‘no thanks, that’s not necessary’. So she doesn’t think you are somehow in a state of hope or expectation.

I suspect she is doing this for a combination of reasons- guilt for the amount she has borrowed and not paid back, wishful thinking, or she gets a kick out of, as I said, putting you in a state of expectation as she thinks she is doing even though she isn’t because you don’t need the money.

If it is guilt, and OH does want the 5K back, OH could say to her ‘mum, why do you keep offering us money? If you want to pay back what you owe me we can talk about that and agree a plan, there is no need for you to gift us money. Most the time it’s not forthcoming anyway’. Last sentence optional!

If she offers just say I know you can't really afford it so please don't bother.

She probably really thinks she will have the money to do these things and when she doesn't she just doesn't do what she said. You did say she's not good with money and not well off.

Think the saying means it's done is a well known thing. When l say to dh l need more help in the house he says sure l will do that. He does nothing extra but is genuinely surprised when l say you didn't do anything. He thinks it's done because he said sure!! It's headwrecking as they sound so lovely and cooperative and you sound like a wagon.
Only her ds can deal with this but be very aware the same thing will happen with any promises about a will. Don't be surprised if it all goes to the one child or some other sneaky plan as l have seen it happen in families so often. Live your life and don't expect a penny.

Yep.

honestly write off the 5k and rely on her for nothing.

it’s difficult because yes you can make the odd chippy comment to highlight what an arsehole she is… but where does that really get you?

I have a similar but different thing with my mil and am always torn between mentioning it or just letting her carry on as she’s incapable of change
Iif anyone has successfully navigated it I’d be interested to hear about it

@wizzywig has it spot on.
My MIL is just the same! It’s been 30 years and we are yet to see the wedding present she initiated frequent conversations about!
DH is also more money savvy than his siblings and I think she’s fed up of bailing them out over the years but feels a bit guilty she’s not given DH the same level of support.
It’s the same with her grandchildren, lots of “oh must send some birthday money” but it never materialises. We just laugh about it now, she wont change!

You say “we have been told we are executors off the will”. Told by whom? Do you think that is just your partner or definitely you too? It sounds as though you are trying to control his financial relationship with his family.

Why would you even think about issues between your partner and his family before you knew him? It is his perogative to be annoyed not yours. If his mum offers money that you don’t need why would you even roll your eyes? Let it go.

I think this is right, a dig make you feel better in the moment but isn't changing anything. Only she knows why she does it, op I think you can only work on not being irritated. So before you visit have a bet with your other half, how many times is your mother going to offer money that doesn't materialise - and then it may take the sting out of it.

I have a friend who does this it just makes me cringe

Everyone is being so nice about your MIL on here. She is a manipulative liar. It was rotten of her to take some of your OP's student grant too - borderline theft.

Agree with this. I suspect it is neither narcissism (why is this always bandied around totally out of context on here?!) or bad money management. I suspect she feels some shame around being unable to contribute and helping out the siblings who appear to have greater need, so it is well intentioned but impossible to implement the good intentions. I wouldn't waste any time over thinking it - I doubt it comes from a bad place. People seem to expect a lot from parents financially on here generally - I would never expect or accept handouts from mine (I know you say you don't but I don't know why you wouldn't just shut down the white goods convo, for example, from the off with a "thanks but no thanks").

I do think it’s a kind of narcissism, they like to offer things, get all the thanks, praise and glory for the kind offer and that’s enough for them, they don’t actually need do any more as they get away with it. You either have to accept it’s likely to stay this way or ask them to actually pay what they have promised. Or the dynamic won’t change.

This is a lightbulb moment for me. Thank you @Lotsofthings . This is helpful for me.

Student finance is paid to the student so he must have had some knowledge of it! Tbh that’s between him and them. Maybe she was trying to help him manage his money.
it seems she wants to help you out financially but hasn’t got the means. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. Don’t take money off her and make it clear you’d rather she kept her money for herself as you are okay money wise.

So I'm not allowed to be annoyed at how my partner has been treated? You're right, it has nothing to do with me and I won't get involved but I can have a view on it as an observer in the family.

I certainly don't dictate any financial relationship 🤣 I was brought up with a very common sense, sensible approach to money (I.E. don't spend what you don't have) and find it baffling how her approach is so different.

The ILs told us they had put us down as executors. Basically my Mother passed away and it prompted them to think they should start getting themselves in order. It's not a role we asked for nor had any influence in.