Surprised at who is supportive and who is not ( separation)

[bemoreassertive]

I'm going through a difficult separation, with children involved. Has anyone else felt a bit surprised at who showed support at a difficult time in your life?

Old uni friends I haven't been close to for years being really lovely, coming a long way to visit, plus relatively new friends going out of their way for me.

vs

My best friend and some close family members who barely seem to register what's going on.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a needy person at all, I've always been 'strong' but it is really shit for me just now, and I have made clear I need some support. And for some of the supposedly closest people in my life, it's like the kids and I hardly exist.

Sorry you are going through this

Agree it is odd - you really do find out who your true supporters are

I did have some close people to me who were honest and said they were not sure what to do as they were 'couple' friends and wanted to support us both, but the friendships mostly fizzled out as we were not in the couples events any more

Some did stay close and are some of my closest friends now - one with a new partner. I also am really close with another friend who split up with her partner and stayed single - but still comes out with couples

It's almost like people are annoyed as your separation disrupts their status quo - they don't stop and think what it's doing to you!

I'm so sorry, it must be a horrible time for you.

I think if you are a strong person and always seen as a coper, then people just expect you to get on with it and think you don't suffer as much. If someone isn't as strong, it's accepted they need extra help. It's not fair as often we learn to be strong by going through extremely difficult things alone.

Genuinely, I don't think crises are the best ways to register who your 'real friends' are, even if its tempting to conclude that, when you're raw and feel like distancing yourself from people you feel aren't sufficiently supportive.

What strikes me in your post is that the people you feel are being supportive are old university friends whom you haven't seen for years, and newer friends -- so people who haven't had you in their lives for a long time or recently. Might it be that it's easier to communicate vulnerability to them? Or that you're better at asking them for what you need? Or that your closer friends/family are also fond of your ex-partner, or have their own bad stuff going on, and simply aren't able to be the support you would like?

I have to say it would strike me as a mite odd that university people I'd lost touch with for years suddenly reappeared in a crisis. Not necessarily that it's any malicious motive, but some people find it easier to deal with people when they're low.

I totally agree with you. When life gets difficult you really find out what your family and friends are really like.
I do think there is an element of people just not wanting to get involved: that they feel they have enough going on in their lives and they think that by even showing an interest in your situation will put them under some sort of obligation to helping you and they don't feel they have the time/ emotional capacity to do that.
When it's a separation as well some people just don't want to be seen to " take sides "
When I was suddenly bereaved I experienced the same : any support and kindness I got came from those I least expected it from, not the family and friends whom I considered closer to me before the death. It was a real eye opener to me.

I think some people haven't had anything similar happen and are not able or willing to imagine what it might feel like. I would definitely react differently myself since splitting up with my ex. Before, I might have thought something more like "oh that's sad but commonplace, and very private, so they probably don't want to discuss details, and I know nothing about that subject so don't want to comment and say the wrong thing or sound like I am talking out of my backside".

I got some great support from my neighbour. I hardly knew him, but he made what he thought was a joke about my ex's new look being for a mistress. I said that yes, it was for his mistress. He leaned in conspiratorially told me to kick him in the balls. It was the first time I'd told anyone what was going on, and a very satisfying comment! But that doesn't mean he cared about me more than my family, who unilaterally ignored what was going on. He just had no skin in the game and is an outgoing, confident type with a massive stock of cheeky comments.

I think that's a good example. He was someone who didn't know you, had no skin in the game, but gave you exactly what you needed at a vulnerable moment by expressing joking aggression on your behalf, largely by accident. But you're right to realise he's not any more caring than your family, he just happened to say something you found helpful at the right moment.

I think my family and close friends felt they were put in a difficult position because they still had to see my ex. Either at school gates, arranging play dates on his days, or if he was dropping off stuff whilst they were at mine. I think they wanted to support me more but couldn't do it in a way that was too "obvious" maybe?
I also wonder in the back of their mind if people think about what would happen if I died, my child would be with him permanently and if they wanted to still have contact they would need to stay on his good side.
It did feel like an extra betrayal at the time and quite painful. But, and this might be very different to your experience, I felt like they were physically always there for me, always answered my calls or came round to see me even if they seemed very uncomfortable discussing things.

Thanks all for your messages.

It’s definitely not that they feel torn, they despise my ex.

I think with my best friend it’s probably a combination of the reasons @MounjaroUser and @80s suggested - partly an assumption I’m strong so I’ll just get on with things, partly an inability to understand other people’s experiences. I should cut her some slack. She means well and is kind, she just sort of lacks imagination.

But (and this is the hard bit) I don’t think my family members actually care about me and my family. That sounds very martyr-ish, but it’s really obvious from their actions or lack of.

So I’ll listen to a run down of their Christmas plans, and I’ll be asked if I’m sorted for Christmas, I’ll say “well no, it’s all very difficult with Ex” and I get a cheery “oh well” then back to talking about them.

How about harnessing some of the rage from the separation and voicing your disappointment? Even with your friend, you could say that you'd hoped for more support.

@80s yes, I think I could say something to my best friend. I know she cares about me, she's just a touch oblivious.

My family though - that's too difficult a topic to broach to be honest.

Though I don't feel rage about the separation, more immense stress! 😫

Hope the rage appears soon, it's quite useful!

I'm going through a separation myself at the moment. I genuinely feel more upset at being let down by "friends" than by going separate ways from my husband. It's just very very lonely. Nobody seems to get that. I've gone from having a husband/partner/confidante/best friend/lover..... to being alone. It's devastating.

@gummychops I'm sorry to hear you're feeling lonely - I know exactly what you mean. I know it is unfair to expect people to fill the gap of caring spouse, but just maybe a 'how are you doing?' text message once in a while would be nice!

Can I ask, did you want to separate? Or did he leave you?

I instigated my split (due to my husband's terrible behaviour, hence the general hatred of him!) but I wonder if he'd run off with an OW if there would be more interest?

For me I think the part of the perception is "bemoreassertive has finally got rid of that arsehole, good" and then everyone gets on with their day.

When things were self evidently hard for me my friends were mostly great but I didn’t expect much from some - miles away, their own shit going on so our friendship runs on good intent, catch ups and chatting all the shit through when we get time. I have good friends and still have the same ones. The surprise was the peripheral friends and one or two vanished instantly never to be see no again while a couple of others became really close just because they were supportive in a kind and consistent way. It does show people in a new light and I really like some of the people I gained as real friends from that time.

There were family who I got nothing from. I don’t hate them but I judge their inadequacy and won’t be doing anything beyond the basics for them in their times of need.

@BelgianBeers Same for me about many family members.

I don't hate them and I don't think they hate me, but I am adjusting to realising (with some sadness) that I am very unimportant and peripheral in their lives.

The sadness goes - now I am happy to know as they get no head space. What a waster it could have been if I kept investing. Not everyone can do friendship and caring properly - on close inspection they might not do it with others or it’s just for a chosen few - who cares. Keep do finding your flow and your people.

I’m with you . The only support I have right now is my mental health team and a few other professionals. I’ve been made homeless and living in a hotel past 6 days. Not one person has come and see me. Bear in mind I’m partially paralysed from cancer treatment. No friends have asked if I’m ok and family taken exs side. I’ve lost everything. I don’t even know how to start again let alone try . Even my kids think I’m the problem . My world has ended

@bemoreassertive Thanks. It was me who instigated the split, cos I couldn't put up with his verbal & emotional abuse any longer.
I often think about how abuse victims/survivors are always encouraged to speak up & tell someone. In my experience, I feel very let down by those I've confided in 😔

@gummychops leaving an abusive partner is really difficult, well done for doing it.

I know that let down feeling, it’s kind of shocking.

Are they people we’ve been there for you in the past?

For me, I’m starting to think it’s not a separation-specific thing, if I’d been in a car crash (for example) they probably wouldn’t have given a shit either.

I'm in a similar situation, now separated from my ex of 24 years for 8 months.

I've heard from my closest friend 3 times in that time. I've reached out to check how she's doing and got no response back - it's like she believes divorce is catching or something.

This is a friend who knew me even before I started dating my husband so we go a long way back.

Ive always been the tough one but jeezo, a little contact would be nice. A monthly check in text to see if im ok, a funny meme maybe but no. The last time I heard from her was July

It's hard because through the absolute joy of social media I see her making an effort with her other friends, weekends away, nights out etc.

Our kids go to the same school so I've seen her in action as well as "that mum" - the social butterfly always networking so maybe I don't fit her aesthetic anymore being a future divorced single mother

The rose tinted glasses have definitely fallen off and maybe this is the end of our friendship, I'm just going to match her energy going forward though and concentrate on me.

No I think you find out which friends have capacity to support you at that time. You probably find out settle people are absolute arses, but I wouldn't conclude people are bad friends otherwise because life throws a lot of shit around doesn't it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You will come out the other side better for it and with clearer eyes as to who is worth your time and energy.

I usually find people who you feel closest to are the ones who disappoint the most in times of need. In my case they would be instantly dismissive and act like they couldn’t be less interested. I faded those people out.

@Spinet The no capacity thing is somewhat understandable with friends. I'm talking mainly about my family though. Siblings, also wider family, who make a big show of us being such a 'close extended family who support each other'. That turns out to mean, when they need support.

@SometimesItsBrave2Run I'm sorry you're also experiencing the strain of a separation with the added, more minor, strain of realising your best friend is not there for you. Sounds like a good idea to let it wash over you. I am generally taking the same approach to my family, I'm just using this thread to get my feelings out!

As I said in a previous post my own best friend has been MIA but I'm going to tackle it head on as I know she is a good friend, she's just been rubbish on this issue.

I do think there is a bit of truth to the 'divorce is catching, keep it away' mentality for some people, probably subconsciously (though not my family, they've all been divorced themselves!)