Surprised at who is supportive and who is not ( separation)

[bemoreassertive]

I'm going through a difficult separation, with children involved. Has anyone else felt a bit surprised at who showed support at a difficult time in your life?

Old uni friends I haven't been close to for years being really lovely, coming a long way to visit, plus relatively new friends going out of their way for me.

vs

My best friend and some close family members who barely seem to register what's going on.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a needy person at all, I've always been 'strong' but it is really shit for me just now, and I have made clear I need some support. And for some of the supposedly closest people in my life, it's like the kids and I hardly exist.

@bemoreassertive
One in particular has been my "best friend" for over 25 years. She was my bridesmaid, I was hers. She's godmother to my middle child (6yo). Not that you'd know that either. No birthday card or text for her this year or last. It just feels like I've been dropped or consigned to the "too hard work" basket. It's gutting 😔

I've had some friends over the years who are ONLY there in a crisis, they like to come in and take care of you for a bit then disappear or even get angry when things are going well. The only long term friends they have are people who lurch from crisis to crisis. I wonder if they need the distraction of sorting out someone else's life so they can avoid looking at their own, or if they enjoy the superior feeling.

On the other hand, my best friend recently suddenly lost her husband and I've been there as much as I humanly can be, despite wishing I wasn't comforting her through a bereavement and we were just doing the ordinary things that we did before. It's a bit different to divorce in that lots of people get divorced and others might think it's what you chose and you're fine, whereas no-one thinks a young mum with 2 small children is fine when her husband dies with no warning, I suppose.

OP, you might need to tell your BF and family that you're not OK. Not everyone picks up on it.

if I’d been in a car crash (for example) they probably wouldn’t have given a shit either
I'd say my family and friends would find this easier to deal with. It's a story you can gasp at and repeat for effect, and thus more enjoyable to listen to than someone complaining about their partner. You can offer practical help (lifts, shopping, walking the dog) if you're not into mental support. You can usually gauge roughly how long the recovery will take, so there's an ending in sight. And when the person is back at work or otherwise functioning, you can stop providing help.
I remember my mum phoning on my birthday, two months after my ex left (after 20 years). She expressed surprise that I was "still" upset about the breakup. Those pesky emotions last far too long.

Yes, your first paragraph is pretty much my mother. She only feels ‘needed’ in other people’s’ crises, illnesses etc, because her self-esteem is too poor to think that people would like her around just for her company when they’re well and happy.

What she appears not to understand is that she visibly switches off and exudes lack of interest or actual (unconscious) hostility around people who are happy or well or not in trouble. Even her own children. You can sense her switching off in a ‘It’s fine for some!’ way if you happen to phone her in a good mood.

Which of course reinforces the cycle.

I really feel for you. I had a friend once, I met her when I was at a really low point in my life. She wanted to spend all her time with me, she was really kind and supportive. I started to put my life back together and a few months on, I was doing pretty well again and the better I did, the more cruel she was to me. We were in a play together and as part of one of the scenes we had to play fight. I came in in a really good mood one night after a very successful date. She was furious and when we got to that scene, she just attacked me, on stage, punched me in the stomach, threw me on the floor and kicked me. I couldn't do anything about it really in front of an audience, who all assumed it was just stage fighting. I was covered in bruises.

@80s Yes, that's a very perceptive comment. Something like a car crash or burglary, dramatic but with limited demands on them, they are all over that in the short term with phone calls, texts and visits to get the exciting details.

Divorce (if no gossip-worthy OW angle), mental health issues or god forbid any long term illness, especially the less glamorous kind...you may get a Christmas card.

How's everything with you since? I'm not much further on & still feeling very much alone unfortunately

@gummychops I'm sorry to hear that. It's particularly hard with Christmas coming up too I think. Do you have plans?

I had a long chat with my best friend, and I made sure we talked about her issues before mine as I am very conscious of not hogging all the airtime. I think she just had loads going on and she also hadn't known how shit my family have been. Could that be the case with your friends, they think you have support elsewhere and haven't realised how isolated you feel?

My family remain totally uninvolved in my life, the only contact I've had in months is when one of them called to ask me for a (big) favour.... but the only person upset about the situation is me, so I need to try and just accept that is how they are.

How insensitive and cheeky! Hopefully, you didn't do the favour?

I think it depends on whether they are also close to your ex . Joint friends find it hard that they are expected to take ' a side ' when they'd rather support you both , so perhaps they take a step back .
However if you are talking about close family relations ( parents / siblings etc ) then they should , of course , be supporting you fully .

@thepariscrimefiles

Insensitive and cheeky is right - I did not agree to the favour, and explained that the separation was one of the reasons could not say yes. My family member said "yeah, I thought you might not want to do xxx because you are getting divorced, anyway, have a great weekend, bye!" and that was that.
Seeing it written down, it's almost funny 😂

I keep returning to this thread, & rereading all the posts, I'm not sure why. Maybe it makes me feel slightly better to remember there are other people in my situation who feel really let down by supposed friends.
Things are really awful at home at the moment - exH still there (due to leave in Jan) & making life extremely difficult. Undermining me with kids, playing "good cop" all the time, being horrible to me etc etc etc.
I mentioned in a text to best friend that I was really down & depressed & lonely. Didn't hear back for 6 weeks.
Then I got a news-y text, including "how are things?" I replied responding to her news, & said things were "horrendously awful" with me. Reply : "what's happening??"

At this stage I'm just like ..... ???? I give up

@gummychops I keep returning to the thread too, as there is some small comfort in knowing other people understand, although I feel bad that others are having a crap time too (and off topic, I have also experienced the "good cop" behaviour from ex which is so stressful)

Do you live close enough to your best friend to see her face to face? As I have discovered with many people, it seems to be out of sight, out of mind.

For her to say "what's happening?"...does she really lack imagination?
Some people seem to think getting divorced when you share kids and a mortgage is somehow like a relationship breakup in your 20s without kids, when there are a few weeks of drama and angst, then life moves on.

It seems to be hard for them to comprehend that your whole life is in shitty turmoil for months and even years.

My dad confirmed today that my siblings have made Christmas plans without me and my kids. I mean, I knew they had, but still...ouch.

I think we'll go for Chinese food instead.

Things are really awful at home at the moment - exH still there (due to leave in Jan) & making life extremely difficult.
Does your friend realise that's the situation? Maybe her comment was because she thought you were talking about a new event rather than the ongoing crapness of living with someone who doesn't care how much they hurt you as they know they are going?

I think for a lot of people it's definitely "out of sight, out of mind" - and they'd rather not picture you sitting in a separate room crying, being unable to stand the smell of your partner's clothes in the hallway, resenting having to clean the toilet he has used, getting palpitations when he sends or fails to send a text or having some sort of Cold War/open battle over who watches TV, who sits in the living room, who sleeps where, who cleans, who cooks... the minutiae of everyday life in that situation are unpleasant simply to imagine, so people don't.

You know exactly what it's like don't you @80s ? It's flippin torture. Every day is a struggle. I'm trying to live my life & raise the kids in the best way I can, whilst constantly facing hostility & obstruction. He makes everything so difficult. He openly disregards rules/tiny punishments I might put in place if one of the kids is misbehaving. Which results in them starting to disrespect me more & more, & just ignore me when I ask them to do anything.
Then once they're asleep, I spend every evening either sitting on the same spot on the sofa or hiding in my bedroom. It's so lonely & unhealthy.

Although going to work & putting on a brave face in front of colleagues is hard, I dread the weekends more. I always do my best to have plans with the kids, take them out or arrange playdates etc. But he's always lurking around, making things harder for me. Eg putting the TV on all day so the kids don't want to head out with me, or blaming me if one of them is slow getting ready (because they never listen to me these days)

@gummychops Then once they're asleep, I spend every evening either sitting on the same spot on the sofa or hiding in my bedroom. It's so lonely & unhealthy.

You and @80s are right, it's living a half life.

The thing about the lack of support is not that I expect people to come round and sit with me every night to make up for that loneliness. I need to change my life myself.

But it would feel less lonely right now, in the middle of the crap, if I was getting even semi-regular texts from people who supposedly care, saying "I read this book/saw this tv programme and thought of you, you'll get through this, you deserve so much better" etc etc. Just enough to give you a bit of a spring in your step and feel less alone.

My "life" once the kids are in bed revolves around whatever TV series I'm in the middle of. It's pathetic, & I don't know how to explain it, but getting sucked into whatever character/plot is like a substitute for a real life of my own. I can watch other people chatting to friends & living their lives, cos I'm not living mine. It's obviously escapism/fantasy - whatever you want to call it. Pathetic, eh?

Just found this thread and can definitely relate. I split from my LTP 18 months ago now and my freinds, while sympathetic at the time, were a bit shit really. Very rarely got a message, I was instigating everything with them, I went quiet for weeks and heard from no-one. Well excpet an ex I've always been in touch with but now lives abroad, he was great (completely platonic now) but couldn't actually be here for me.

I've always been known as the 'lone wolf', so I think they all just assumed I was strong enough to deal with it. I went through some very dark times and most was to do with feelings of not having friends and not my actual break-up.

I get you anyway OP, those semi regular messages would be lovely just to feel like you actually matter and someone is thinking about you. Hugs to you and hope you're ok

Same with grief, it happens every time.. close friends disappear, acquaintances surprise you.
Maybe something to do with the close ones feeling expected to be around and having that pressure, while the acquaintances have no expectations.. and they may also use the sad thing as a reason/opportunity to get closer.
Don't know but it always happens

And I know exactly what you mean about feeling lonely & wishing people would show they cared. Just pick up the phone & call me! Ask if they can come visit? Or suggest a meet-up with their kids & mine, which would show that they realise how hard it is looking after 3 kids by myself (they're 8, 6 & 4) & they'll help share the burden, even just for a few hours.
It's so hard feeling so alone, like you say. So much shit happens in my house, from one week to the next, & I literally have no adult to share it with. So it's like it never happened. You know that expression - if a tree falls in a forest & nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound? That's what my life feels like.

Yeah it's not like it is in the films and shows where everyone rallies round.

@bemoreassertive after a month of finding out I needed to get a divorce and sharing this with my family and really struggling with it, a couple of members of my immediate family thought 'i should be over it by now' needless to say they have never been in that position and showed little interest in supporting me through what turned out to be a lengthy divorce. You just can't tell who will be there for you until it happens.

It was the torture of living in the same house after he'd said he was leaving (but in his own good time) that made me snoop on his emails when I stumbled over his password, entirely by chance. I found years of detailed evidence of his affair and confronted him with new anger and confidence. He still didn't leave until I stopped hiding in another room in the evenings and instead sat right next to him on the settee he'd occupied, and reminded him of the details. Wouldn't work with a violent man obviously, but in his case he miraculously found somewhere to stay within 2 weeks. It was like lancing a boil. I was still a total wreck but didn't have to cope with everyday shit on top of it.

Took me a long time to be able to talk about it at all with the people I knew, as I'd go weak at the knees and break out in a sweat - but over the months and years I did talk to people, and when it was their turn to go through it, they came to me and we had some good conversations. Early on I also joined some groups of people looking for new friends to go hiking with etc. - and many (all?) of them were in a similar situation. Being with a group of people with imperfect lives was really useful at a time when the friends I had were all (apparently) happily married.

This all feels sadly similar to my situation. Almost 2 years since the split, some support from my parents, but generally having to listen to people telling me that my ex was crap and whilst it’s nice to agree, barely anyone actually looked out for me, I had a supportive group chat and a friend who separated soon after me who I leant on and vice versa but the crushing loneliness and the feeling that if I didn’t reach out then no one would has had me go into unsuitable situationships. If my friends had been a bit more proactive and done the texting and organising I would have felt much more loved and cared about.
I am, as many on this thread are, a coper, a leader and a lone wolf as well as being a role model and senior leader at work which has made it harder.