Surprised at who is supportive and who is not ( separation)

[bemoreassertive]

I'm going through a difficult separation, with children involved. Has anyone else felt a bit surprised at who showed support at a difficult time in your life?

Old uni friends I haven't been close to for years being really lovely, coming a long way to visit, plus relatively new friends going out of their way for me.

vs

My best friend and some close family members who barely seem to register what's going on.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a needy person at all, I've always been 'strong' but it is really shit for me just now, and I have made clear I need some support. And for some of the supposedly closest people in my life, it's like the kids and I hardly exist.

I found acceptance worked best for me. Took some time to get there.

I had similar last year due to ill health. My family would say they supported me but they didn’t and in fact made it all about them really. It’s been that way all my life if I think about it. I thought they wouldn’t be there for me in a real crisis but it was still a shock when that turned out to be actually true. I still enjoy my relationship with them but I give a little less of myself so it’s more balanced.

When I had marriage issues a few years back I had no support from anyone I told. Several said they were not surprised at DH’s behaviour and my closest friend took me out for a cheap lunch and announced her and her DH had a policy never to take sides. Given what DH had been doing, this felt like a slap in the face. Family were ambivalent. So I was on my own. Totally. I’m not sure what I expected but friends and family are over-rated. You have to get your shit together yourself.

My dad thinks that I misread the signs and jumped to the wrong conclusions in believing my ex had an affair; that I misinterpreted his Script comments about my "making him" marry me and have children against his will. He told me he misses my ex. My dad has trouble reading social cues (autism) and hates disharmony. My stepmum apologised on his behalf and was really embarrassed! Turns out she'd considered divorce too...

Thanks to everyone tonight who’ve shared messages - sorry you’ve experienced it too.

I am trying to let go of the hurt and anger with my family and I think I’m getting there, very slowly.

I really don’t want to become bitter, I suppose I’m aiming for fond detachment?

@Mountainormolehills agree on being seen as a lone wolf and coper. I guess naively I thought that meant when I said was finding things hard, it would have an impact as I never ask for support, but no. They could not be less interested.

@AngryFierceClouds and yes to them not really being there for me at any point in my life, but the shock when it’s made so clear is still real. It’s a lot to process.

I'm going for resigned forgiveness, additional reserve and a dash of bitterness as I fancy.

Don't feel any need to rush things @bemoreassertive - it's a process. Play it by ear.

@bemoreassertive
How was Christmas for you? Mine was pretty shit & I'm delighted to be heading back to work tomorrow. Ex-h still in the house, still being a nasty horrible asshole. Feeling really down & alone. Hope you fared better 🤞

@gummychops thanks for your message, that’s thoughtful. I’m sorry to hear your Christmas wasn’t good and your ex is being horrible. I think you have three young children, did you manage to carve out any space for yourself at all?

Mine was tolerable I think because my expectations are so low - My ex only swore and stomped off from the Christmas dinner table once. he remains a total dick, but I feel less responsible for his crap now which helps.

Virtually no contact with my family. I guarantee none of them will have given the kids and me a second thought.

My New year’s resolution is to make connections. Tomorrow I plan to send messages to various acquaintances asking if they fancy a playdate and some mince pies over the next few days. I’m guessing most will say no as they’ll have family plans, but I need to try.

I hope you feel better back at work and into normality, but also hope you get to do something nice just for you, no matter how small.

@gummychops you're not pathetic, you're hurting. You're at a low point now but one foot in front of the other, he'll be out in Jan and you can start rebuilding your life. I wish you well xx

Same with grief.. close ones disappear, acquaintances get closer and go out of their way to support. I've seen it so many times

Think it's something to do with pressure/expectations.. close friends don't want the burden of it all, being expected to be a certain way.. and acquaintances know you don't expect anything so they know anything they offer will be appreciated.. and use the sad event as an opening to become a closer friend.

@bemoreassertive
Sorry it's taken me a few days to reply.
Isn't it pathetic that I was really glad to get a response from you... 😥 I feel so alone most of the time, & your really swift reply showed me that it's not that difficult to respond to another human being in need of a little caring. .. I just wish others in real life were as kind & thoughtful...
It's good I suppose to hear that your Christmas was relatively ok... But it's crap & utterly unfair that you've had to set your expectations so low. Standards for the minimal level of civility should not be forcibly diminished just because your ex is such an absolute shithead.
😣 Why did he stomp off from the dinner table? What had you "done wrong" this time??
Mine shouted & yelled at me Christmas eve night. Didn't include me in Christmas day dinner. Got me a crap, thoughtless gift from the kids (I bought him a few, decent enough pressies from the kids)
Shouted at me & kids again last night.

@gummychops how on earth did he exclude you from Christmas dinner? What an absolute arsehole!

It’s so shit that he yells at you and the kids. People say they’d never let anyone shout at them, I don’t think they realise what it’s like being married to men like our husbands. There is no sense of shame for them at being aggressive to women and children, it’s all about “poor me”

Mine kicked off because the kids were enjoying themselves with the crackers, and he wanted everyone to shut and listen to him. After he’d ruined the mood, he returned to the table and pretended it hadn’t happened. This is standard behaviour from him.

so sorry you feel so alone. I imagine that once you actually get your husband out of the house, you’ll be able to relax a little without the nagging stress that he’s about to barge into the room and create a scene. It doesn’t help with the feelings of isolation we’ve both talked about, but it does mean you get a literal ‘safe space’ to lick your wounds.

@bemoreassertive That's really horrible, spoiling a moment of fun for your kids with the crackers. I hope they were able to quickly forget about his tantrum & get back into enjoying the day.
Mine is so volatile (I hate even calling him my ex-husband at this stage. I hate referring to him at all tbh) On Christmas Eve, after the kids were in bed, we both separately started getting the Santa pressies out from their hiding places & setting them up downstairs for the morning. Nothing was being said but we were obviously both focused on trying to create a happy day for the kids. I was thinking, ok, we can do this, we can concentrate on the kids & keep things civil. He was building something & obviously getting stressed, so I sorted the bulk of the other pressies. At one point he grumbled that I should help bring down the rest of HIS purchases from the attic. So I did. He was then on to wrapping other stuff for under the tree, last minute of course. He could easily have done that job anytime over the past few weeks & hidden the wrapped pressies in his room. It was getting late, maybe about 11pm. I offered extra wrapping paper. I offered something else to help. I asked a question about a "spare" part of one of his pressies. Would I hide it away somewhere. Then he exploded, shouting at me to just leave him alone. Ranting & yelling, saying nasty things, when I said I was just trying to help.
Christmas Eve, kids upstairs in bed.