He cheated

[ahhwotsits]

Morning Mums netters, just here for advise and support really. I discovered last week my husband shared a passionate snog with a work colleague 2 years ago after the Christmas party. He was blind drunk and really has no memory of it (he says). The other woman's husband caught them.
I'm utterly broken hearted- I thought he was a good guy and him being disloyal to me has knocked me sideways. It was just a kiss. That's been confirmed by all parties. BUT, how do I move on from this? Would love to hear from other people that have survived their relationship after something like this. To add he no longer works with her which is a relief!

He kept this from you for 2 years? How did you find out?

A snog two years ago after drinking? I must admit I wouldn’t cause any sort of major drama over this. If, of course, he hasn’t made a habit of it.

I’m surprised anyone remembered a kiss, and told you after all this time.🤔

The scorned husband bumped into him after a night out and he messaged me on FB. He apologised for not having told me 2 years ago.
Some may say it's just a kiss and to not cause drama- but my values don't match this and I thought neither did his.

It would annoy me that he probably said he did it because he was drunk but conveniently knew not to do anything else.

Exactly- I remember the evening he was very very drunk when he got home. Unsteady on his feet and slurring- even if he had wanted to do something else I doubt it would have worked!

They always say they don't remember.

If it's a one off and only a kiss, two years ago, you file it as "mistake", providing he is truly sorry.
Unpopular Mumsnet opinion, but one error does not end a presumably otherwise good relationship.

One drunken snog isn’t something I would blow up over to be honest. Certainly not something I’d break up over. But I get the impression that’s not what you want to hear here.

The scorned husband? Has the woman dumped her husband then?

Not ideal - but that is what alcohol does to people.

Has he done anything else in the intervening years to cause concern? What do you want to do about it? What would it achieve?

Maybe the wrong phrase. The husband of the woman. They are still together but he has said it's taken a long time to get their relationship back on track and worn through it.

My husband is so very sorry and I believe wholeheartedly that it was a mistake. I just can't shift the feeling of hurt and disrespect.

@Mischance ultimately I want to get through it and be happily married as we were before. But, I've never had the inclination to lock lips with anyone after a few too many drinks. What was he thinking?!

I am not at all surprised that you feel so dreadful about it.

I mean he hid it from you for two years as well. I'd take his not remembering with a massive pinch of salt too. Another example of him not taking ownership.

You don't need to do anything just now. Or make any decision. You can just take some time to take stock. Reflect. Step back a bit.

The most important thing is that you make sure you're ok. Talk to a trusted friend.

It is a shock when someone reveals something that shows they are not who you thought there were. It can rock your world.

You're absolutely justified to say this crosses a line for you.
Rarely does a kiss just emerge out of nothing. Before a kiss can happen, a dozen poor decisions were already made. Flirting, dancing too closely, teasing. None of those were shut down by your partner.

Also, the fact that he's been hiding it for 2 years is a red flag. He may not remember, but he knows it happened.

I don't think I'd personally end an otherwise good relationship over this, given that you're confident that this is a one off and won't happen again. But I wouldn't go over it lightly.

@BlastedPimples Exactly this. He's a different person to me now. Thank you x

As pp said. the kiss didn't come out of nothing.
There must have been sexual attraction between this woman and your DH for the kissing to have occurred - being drunk just means their inhibitions were lowered enough to act out what they wanted to do anyway.
If he hid this from you for 2 years how do you know this was the only thing that happened between them?
So if when he is drunk his reaction is to kiss other women? How often does he get drunk?

I'm sorry OP but my trust would be broken. He has shown himself to be a liar and someone who is interested in sexual interaction with other women. Especially difficult for you if he still works with this particular woman.

Your tongue doesn’t just fall into someone’s mouth just because you’re drunk. I hate all of this ‘but I was drunk’ bs. He’s 100% culpable for what he did sober or not.

Honestly I would be so pissed off if my DP did this. Also, I don’t think being drunk is an excuse - he got himself in that state after all!
This is shit OP but I think your relationship can get past this BUT only if he puts in the effort to make it up to you and rebuild the trust. I would expect a lot of grovelling, flowers, dates and a promise to not get that drunk again.

Thank you all for your input. Really appreciate you reading the post and giving your support. We've been together 15 years and have 2 daughters. He's adamant he will not be getting drunk again and will remain the most fitful husband, time will tell if I can trust him again I guess.

You're expecting too much if you're expecting to be over this a week after finding out. You have been betrayed, that takes months, sometimes years, to get get over. I'm sorry OP but you are only at the start of a very bumpy, long road.

He might promise everything. It it's you that has to endure the mental torture of not trusting him. It's horrible.

People blame the drink for any ill in life

I’m going to go against the grain here, I wouldn’t forgive this, as pp have said the kiss hasn’t happened out of no where, then he has chosen to keep Schtum.
the deceit carries on, you have been together 15 years, 2 children where was that thought for him whilst his tongue is in some other woman’s mouth!

if my partner did this I would end the relationship. And I have ended previous relationships. Cheating is cheating.

It's not the kiss I'd leave him for. It's the fact he's hidden it for two years. Look up trickle truthing. There is likely to be more.

I woukd be very angry and disappointed