He cheated

[ahhwotsits]

Morning Mums netters, just here for advise and support really. I discovered last week my husband shared a passionate snog with a work colleague 2 years ago after the Christmas party. He was blind drunk and really has no memory of it (he says). The other woman's husband caught them.
I'm utterly broken hearted- I thought he was a good guy and him being disloyal to me has knocked me sideways. It was just a kiss. That's been confirmed by all parties. BUT, how do I move on from this? Would love to hear from other people that have survived their relationship after something like this. To add he no longer works with her which is a relief!

Sounds like the scorned husband is out for revenge. If it was just a kiss I would laugh it off saying you had to be blind drunk to kiss her LOL. As the song says let it go.

I think women on average tend to forgive this stuff easier than men. It would be game over for me though.

Why did he tell you after two years??

@Griff1963 the woman's husband told me as he happened to bump into my husband after a night out.

I know of times I've been so drunk that the end of the night is a complete blank, I know I've never done anything bad to anyone as the people with me have would have told me so I can see that you can be so drunk that you don't remember what happened.
I don't agree that there must have been feelings there before for it to happen, if she came over to your husband and started kissing him he may have not had feelings but kissed her back still, I don't think that it was intended to go far ad it was at a Christmas party that her partner was also at, I can see some trust has gone and it will be hard to just forget, but you obviously still have feelings otherwise you wouldn't be on here.
I personally feel that you should do your best to let it go and not let it ruin your marriage, if you haven't already had a chat with him, then have the chat and tell him how you feel and then never talk about it again, otherwise it will always be there, and be used in an argument and that will destroy your marriage. Just tell him it will take time for you to trust him again

He will do this again and worse as you age.

Sorry, he's a weak man.

Really? You’re surprised that someone who is married remembers a kiss they had with a married co-worker?

I think the point is more, if they hadnt of been caught, would it have potentially gone further, even if he couldn't would they have gotten to the point of trying.

I'd be fuming at this woman's husband aswell, he told you just to cause trouble and hurt your husband, he didn't care about your feelings, not one bit or thought you were entitled to know. He kept quiet for 2 years. That makes him just as bad as them!

I’m surprised at how many people would forgive this. I don’t think I could. For me, the trust would be gone. That’s the main issue. That and the disappointment of realising that he’s not the person I thought he was. The relationship would never be the same. I’d definitely want to make it work but I don’t think I could! Sorry this has happened to you :-(

The secret is almost the biggest issue here. He kissed someone, then presumably carried on working with her? I'd be concerned about that.

Glad the woman's husband told you though, that's the right thing to do.

Whatever you do, take your time. You are in control of this situation now, you have the power to choose what is right for you.

@ahhwotsits so your dh still has regular nights out and still goes and gets really drunk regularly ?
…. Now you have found out , he is stopping drinking ?
He hadn’t thought to stop drinking or stay home with his dw and family , Instead of putting himself in positions that get him into trouble ?

Honestly if so then I don’t trust your husband . He was caught and didn’t tell you . Nothing has changed for him . How do you know you can trust him ? How do you know what else he does on nights out ?

Low bar

It's a different world.

It was just a kiss…that time…

Being drunk is not an excuse.

Can you trust him ever again? I couldn’t.

The secret would be the problem for me.

Many years ago, I did exactly this in similar circumstances. Very drunk, hooked up with a colleague after a work event (no further than kissing). I had been with DP for 8 years and regretted it instantly. I kept it to myself for a few days, then decided that any relationship going forward with DP would ultimately be built on a deception if I didn't tell him. So I told him, and we moved on. I think you have a right to be annoyed that had the husband not told you, your husband never would have.

One thing I will say though is rebuilding is hard. I don't know if this event is what started the end, but my relationship with DP got progressively worse and I think we'd both agree that it's very much a relationship of convenience (we have DC now, didn't back then).

The woman's husband is a complete douche by the way. He obviously just told you to spite your husband.

Almost exactly the same has happened to me. I’ve questioned my whole life - the time scale was longer and it happened at a family wedding. Every memory for me after is tarnished. I’ve really hit rock bottom. I found out 2 years ago and recently found out more information which weirdly made me feel a bit better - it’s not the actions but the lies that have ruined me. I could cope and forgive most things but the lies!!! I tried counselling but didn’t help as nothing can undo the past (not the action but the next years of lies) I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. It’s made me distrust everyone- if the one person you love so much can lie to you what hope is there! I just carry in although I am having a few better days now. So for me it’s not about forgiveness- I can’t do that without the whole truth is about managing myself to deal with it - which I getting better at I think most days but I still get upset and very emotional some days if something triggers me - it might be the tele or a turn of phrase - I can’t even think about weddings or talk about them. I struggle to talk about the past as it all seems a bit of a sham. Trying to make new memories not but it’s really hard. Sending you strength.

@Questionsquestions23 I am so sorry you have gone through it too. I hope you manage to find some peace and feel mended soon. Only you know what's rights for you. Sending love.

Thank you all. There's a very clear divide. I really, really hope this was a one off. He rarely goes out. Maybe 3 times a year. His relationship with alcohol isn't good- he doesn't know when to stop. He either doesn't drink or he gets blind drunk. This is something he has been addressing the last year or so, not just because of this. I suspect this secret he had was a catalyst for him.
He's a brilliant Dad, and mostly a brilliant husband. I just don't know if I can forgive this.

You never know what’s right do you and I don’t now, I used to be pretty happy go lucky but not anymore, I never thought we had the perfect marriage but I always thought we were honest with each other. My H doesn’t see it as a big deal and really doesn’t seem to understand why I’m upset but he’s not acted in any way to help me get over it - rug sweeping they call it. If he’s say they’d had sex as least I could trust that happened but because his story is so bizarre I’ll never know. We’ve got children involved too which doesn’t make it any easier to make decisions as ultimately you want what’s best for them. I which I could offer some uplifting advice but for me lies as just the worst. I’d say be careful who you share with in real life as if you decide to make it work it’s easier if not everyone knows - I told a couple of people I wish I hadn’t

Did he actually remember he had done it? I know people who literally have no memory of what they’ve done when they’ve drunk far, far too much. (Unfortunately I am not one of them, I remember ever embarrassing detail 🤦‍♀️)
I also know plenty of people who’ve got shedded and snogged someone they shouldn’t (and often didn’t even know or like!) at a works do, so I wouldn’t necessarily assume something had been going on before.
If he remembered he absolutely should have told you and I’d be very pissed off if he lied, even by omission. That said, I’ve read many threads on here from women who’ve got hammered and had a drunken snog and have asked for advice as to whether to confess. The general consensus has always been “no” so I think a lot of people would keep quiet.
For me, he absolutely should have told you (you must have been devastated by that bloody message 🤬) but if he is an otherwise good guy I don’t think I’d go straight to LTB.

The kiss is not the problem.

It is the fact he didn't tell you. And even if he didn't remember the night he would have the next day.

Not telling you is the issue and is the break of trust. It sounds small but I would really really struggle to come back from that.

@Ukhotelsareshit he really has no memory- I genuinely believe that. It's happened a fair few times where his memory is literally swiped by alcohol. I remember him coming home that night and he was absolutely off his face. The husband messaged him repeatedly after the event and my husband outright denied it as he had zero memory of it. He then admitted to me that he was desperate to keep it from me because he genuinely couldn't even believe he had done it himself. I know that the woman is definitely not his type in looks or personality. I also know from her that she doesn't even like my husband either- she was also blind drunk and barely remembers it too.

Well, that's handy then that he doesn't remember.

And the next time when he's in bed with someone else, blind drunk?

It's just pathetic really.

Well your right there,never had the inclination. At the end of the day you was not at that party,so he had no business ending up in the arms of the someone else . Especially in this day and age when you only have to look at someone wrong and your accused of all kinds of things.

This. I never trusted again after it happened to me. Some people like being fawned over, the attention, the excitement, and don't put people at arms length when they should. They start dancing too close to the flame, get burnt, and then it's all tears and apologies.

It depends what your own standards are OP. I wouldn't do this to a partner but there might be some women on here who've at one point done it to theirs, and therefore they don't think it's much of a big deal. Doesn't mean you need to stick around though.

Gosh my opinion isn’t the same as pp’s. This would end for me. Not because I wanted it to but I couldn’t get past it. He must’ve like this person to have snogged them but it’s the deceit & broken trust. I just know he’d feel like a different person. Had he have admitted it at the time & been very remorseful but he’s lived with it. Saying he won’t drink now is feeble, I bet he’s been out & been drunk since the snog so obviously wasn’t too upset about it.