Who decides on split of assets and what's in the best interest of the children when a couple separates?

[YouBetterYouBetterYouBet]

Not married so no divorce and no family law protection.

We don't agree on very much at all.

Our circumstances are very different, there's a huge disparity between us regarding earnings, pension and time spent with the children.

Where can I get advice?

Mediation was unsuccessful and I can't afford to rack up a huge legal bill.

Is that still if the care is 50:50?
How old are the dc? Tweens/teens if one has a phone and messages dad, so old enough for their opinion to be taken into account?

He has the dc every weekend. I want to change the arrangement so that I have them some weekends.

I realise the issues seem minor, it's the cumulative affect of his shitness.

I've acxepted that he's limited but jow he's rented a flat in a completely different city to his dc and has a bedroom for himself and a small room that only one dc fits in. Another dc sleeps in the living room and then other dc sleeps at MILs.

It's vanishingly rare for people to get occupation orders even when married unless one party is a multimillionaire.

It's not helpful to suggest OP tries this, it would cost tens of thousands in legal costs and very likely be unsuccessful.

but jow he's rented a flat in a completely different city to his dc and has a bedroom for himself and a small room that only one dc fits in. Another dc sleeps in the living room and then other dc sleeps at MILs.
Is he renting that and you've taken on full mortgage for the house?

How old are the children? If one has a phone then they could be old enough to be able to choose how much contact they had with each parent. Courts will listen to kids age 11/12 ish and if he picks a home that is far or difficult to get to school then he risks the older child saying no to contact even 20%

Whats his work schedule like ? If he has to travel a lot or works very early in the morning or late at night then he can’t look after the kids on those days because he is responsible physically and financially for school runs on his days. If he’s money or work orientated then that make him realise that paying child maintenance is much less hassle and cheaper than paying childcare and having to rush between work and home. There’s 13 weeks of school holidays and having to organise holiday childcare etc might be a faff that he would rather leave you with.

Do you think that he’s going to want to date soon? That will reduce his availability to see dc (unless dc1 is old enough to babysit dc2 overnight ) Whatever happens, start child contact arrangements with both parents having every other weekend. You will probably want every other weekend so that the kids can go to parties/sleepovers, chill with you or see your side of the family.

Housewise you both get 50% as your unmarried. If there are any other joint assets eg savings then they are split 50/50.

Yes, I think every weekend is a poor arrangement for several reasons.

EOW plus 1 or 2 nights in the week would be more usual, plus a deal about divvying up school holidays.

If it's true 50/50 then likely no CM. Doesn't change the house split.

Sorry that was to @DoreenonTill8

I think to solve this issue you should both try and get the family home sold asap so you can both move on and get places suitable for the children.

Sadly this is something you re just going to have to accept now that you're split. In an ideal world parents would work together and co-parent but that's not always possible. How he chooses to parent on his time including sleeping arrangements, dealing with issues etc. is completely up to him. He's not obligated to tell you about anything that happens when he has the children. I'm not saying this is a good way to operate or what's best for the child but it is what it is and even if you were to take it to court they would tell you the same. I say this as a SM who's DSD mum thinks treating athsma with essential oils and crystals is acceptable.

You need to agree 50/50 on the house.

If you spend money on legal fees you'll end up with the same. Only when you're married is the % negotiable.

There is no split of assets. You leave with what you brought.

Regarding the kids, either the couple agree or the court does.

I don't know what dc would say if they were asked about their preferences. I think they would feel a sense of obligation to split their time between us both.

The separation isn't new, so the current arrangement has been established for a while. I do 80% of childcare.

The place he has rented (without sufficient space for the DC) is with his new gf.

OP, you started this to talk about finances. These issues are minor. He doesn't have to tell you if a child bedwets whilst with him. It would be nice if your co-parenting was strong enough that you could share like this, but if you focus now on fighting over what really are small things, you are losing your opportunity to discuss the big things civilly. And if half of the house won't allow you to house the children, you need to be focused on being able to discuss finances civilly.

On the flat - is he still paying towards the mortgage?

You can apply for a court order. It's £232 and you can self represent so won't need to pay out for a lawyer. You need to have attempted to reach resolution via mediation within 4 months of applying. The court will then decide what is best for the child. I agree that it's not ideal for him to have all the weekends. It leaves you will all the weekday grudge work and none of the fun.

I can't afford to house myself and the dc with 50% of the equity.

This is never going to happen. Plus OP hasn't said anything to suggest DV.

Its not so much that he tells me if dc has wet the bed. It's that I decided on the way to support dc and told ex what I was doing. He then decided to do something completely different which I think is confusing and unfair for the dc.

OP, I know this is hard, but half the equity is all you're getting. Unless he chooses to give you more.

I can't afford to house myself and the dc with 50% of the equity.

Then you will have to rent, like millions of other families do.

Again, I know it's hard but why are you fighting with him over ridiculously minor things?

Are you paying the full mortgage now on your own?

We had some mediation sessions where he readily agreed to some of my requests.

Then he changed something else completely arbitrarily outside of mediation (I suspect to punish me).

Court is probably your best option then.

I'm not fighting him on anything. I have always accommodated him to try and appease him.

The examples I have given here are an illustration of why I think he's a shit parent and why I don't want him to have any more time with the dc than he currently has.

His latest rental is the icing on the cake for me.