Awkwardness/neediness or is it just me?

[Rayvn]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for just over a year but it's been quite off and on because I just keep feeling so stifled and pressured by him...

He thinks he could be autistic - my eldest son is and I think I am too and I do recognise some of the social awkwardness stuff in my boyfriend, but something about him doesn't feel quite right, although I'm not sure what that something is....it doesn't feel quite like autism, or only autism, that's causing his 'issues' (if they even are issues - maybe it's just me over reacting and he would be another woman's ideal of an ideal man!)

If you average out the amount of times we've spent together over the year it probably averages out to seeing him once a month or so.

Although I do love him, I feel like as we haven't seen each other much we should be acting like we're still in the first flush of dating; just going on fun dates, not declaring love every day, just...chilled and relaxed. He knew me as a friend prior to dating so to him, we're a long term, serious couple in love.

We've talked about this and he says he'll chill but whenever we meet up, he will kiss me for hours at a time (literally, just an hour of kissing, staring into my eyes, giggling then kissing again), sit on the bed with me but hold my hand the whole time or rest his head on my shoulder (which always feels a bit weird to me, like that's something my kids would do), the minute we walk anywhere out of the house he grabs hold of my hand... We went to the cinema last night and it was so awkward the whole time - I'd had a stressful evening anyway so turned up a bit harassed, but wanted to make sure I kept the date and not cancel. Gave him a kiss to say hi, walked into the cinema and went to get some snacks. He said he'd pay but we've spoken about this before and he knows I prefer to pay my own way so I said no need, I'll get my own.
We then went to pay and he spent so much time mithering me about whether I wanted him to pay for mine that the woman serving us got the impression he was paying for it all and charged him for my stuff.

Walking into the screen I just casually mentioned I wasn't sure whether I needed the loo. His response was "yeah" Which I found odd. He does that a lot, when I mention something I've done or would like to do, or just anything I'd expect a bit more of an answer he just says yeah and I'm not sure whether he's heard me or not. I wasnt wanting a full conversation over my toilet needs, but if he'd said he same I might've just said something like "oh, do you wanna go now then before we head in?".

We got into the cinema and he started saying I should go to the toilet now. I told him I'd decided to wait as I wasn't that desperate but he mentioned it a couple more times. Then as we sat down he went to do what he always does which was hold my hand. I've told him before that I don't feel the need to hold his hand all the way through the film but whenever we come, he always tries. I just find it quite restrictive and we've usually held hands on the way to the cinema and on the way home anyway, plus that day he'd come round at lunchtime and we'd had sex and cuddled for an hour so I thought he might've been able to last 90 mins without feeling the need to hold me.

I could tell he wanted affection though, so I shuffled over so our arms were touching, and a bit later in the film I rested my leg over his - but then he made it weird (imo) but crossing his leg back over mine! I thought he'd maybe put his hand on my knees or something but not turn us into a game of twister!

I then felt him look over at me (a good ten seconds each time) and smile about five times during the film. Everytime I moved he kind of twitched his hand towards me like he thought I was going to hold his hand and then when we came out of the cinema he started walking in the direction of my car - opposite to where he was parked. I asked what he was doing and he said he'd walk me to my car so we walked hand in hand the five mins to my car, then he stood there like he was waiting for a kiss and a cuddle. I went for a peck and he started snogging me in the middle of the car park. At one point I went to open my car door and he stood side by side with me, with his arm round my shoulder.

It just all feels so awkward and unnatural and I either have to put up with it or spend my time constantly telling him he's being affectionate wrong, which sir what I say but must be how it comes across when I jokingly point out something and tell him he could've acted less awkwardly and more natural (for example don't stand side by side with your arm round my shoulder, maybe put it round my waist and face my more if you really want to cuddle while I'm unlocking my car).

We bickered slightly after that, with me saying I don't believe people really hold hands at the cinema, he told me other people he'd been with had seen that as normal, then I said all the overtime affection feels a bit claustrophobic and kind of all puts me off him a bit, to which he replied "I think at this moment in time, anything would put you off me". So I told him not to be so blamey, said goodbye and went home.

By the time I'd got home ten minutes later he'd messaged saying "honey, sorry I was rude to you. I love you more than anything and we maybe slightly incompatible with how we show affection, but what I'm saying is that I'm wanting to get to know you more and want to treat you the way that's good for you because you're worth it to me. I've had a great time seeing you twice in one day... You're amazing. Thank you 😘".

I then mentioned that I just feel it's a bit needy and claustrophobic and that in secure enough in myself and us as a couple to be able to make it through a 90 minute film without needing to hold his hand and wonder whether he'd be more compatible with someone like his ex wife who loved the idea of him being obsessed with her (I was tired and hungry by this point so lashed out a bit).

His reply was "Oi, shush! We're in this mess because I like you too much and I'm kinda going over the top making sure you're happy because I never quite believe my luck! Every single time i just need to know you're fine. So... Yay?! 😆
Ugh.
Anyway, I love you loads and I've had a rainbow of emotions today so exhausted! Definitely feel like I'm gonna enjoy my sleep tonight x"

That sort of felt like he thinks I should be grateful that he's forcing unwanted affection on me but I left the conversation there and said goodnight.

This morning he's trying to message and speak like normal but I just can't snap back to I love yous and stuff l because he's soooo over the top with his affection and words, it almost feels fake!

Am I just being horrible or is he a little bit too needy and clingy?

Oh, I would feel totally claustrophobic in a relationship like this.

Ugh, ditch him. He sounds extremely irritating.

Oh god - I felt claustrophobic just reading this. Too much. Much too much. If you think it’s worth a shot, maybe tell him it’s moving way too seriously and quickly and it needs dialling down. Massively.

Otherwise, if you have the real ick, it’s best to let him down swiftly but nicely.

Sounds suffocating and emotionally manipulative.

Do you actually love him? Or is it just habit and having somebody?

You haven't mentioned your ages, nevertheless it's way OTT. It really isn't you. He is too clingy and needy. He sounds very insecure.

If you think the relationship is worth it, then you really need to sit him down and tell him that whilst people like affection, this is too much. He is being too needy and its wearing you down.

Otherwise just finish with him, as you aren't compatible.

My DH doesn't like PDA, so I respect his feelings. We do hold hands in public, but wouldn't really hold hands in the cinema. Small kiss on the lips or cheek, but wouldn't do a full blown snog!

He sounds like a needy drip. The resting his head on your shoulder, coupled with his desperation to be in physical contact with you at all times makes him sound girly and gross!

Thanks, yes I've spoken to him about it many times and he keeps saying he'll chill and relax eventually, once he has seen me lots more and knows I'm not going to just disappear on him.

He's seeing a counsellor at the moment and I've suggested mentioning this to them, as it almost feels like he thinks if I'm not pawing at him, I've stopped loving him or something.

I do care a lot about him, whether it's love or not, I don't know - I feel it's too soon to tell as we've only really seen each other a few times in the grand scheme of things.

He just keeps saying no one else has complained about his behaviour in previous relationships and I have no idea why that would be, cos I find it so suffocating 🤷🏻‍♀️

It doesn't matter if previous partners were into it, you're not them.

I think you should end it.

He doesn't listen and he doesn't pay attention to what you want or like. He bulldoze over your boundaries and tells you it's you that's in the wrong for not liking it.

The old dumperoo for this guy.

Genuinely, I can't decide which is you is weirder, or whether I would less want to be in a relationship with someone who tries to hug me when I'm unlocking my car or someone who says things like 'I can't decide whether I need to wee or not' at the cinema and then gets cross because the other person doesn't reply to this brilliant insight.

This clearly isn't working for anyone. Why not release him to pursue someone who likes holding hands? Then you can find someone who lets you pay for your own cinema tickets and replies to you saying you don't know if you want to go to the loo.

You don’t need him to decide if you need a wee or not that’s pretty weird. Presumably you are a grown adult and can say I’m going to the toliet etc. as for the affection you aren’t feeling it so need to let him find someone else who will be the same as him.

You've set some boundaries and he's trampling all over them. He's making excuses for said trampling in saying he loves you too much. And saying that your boundaries don't matter because his exs had different boundaries.

Snogging for hours and giggling is vile.

I'd say this level of petting was normalnif you were very young and hadn't yet had sex, but assuming you are both grown adults - Jesus! I have no idea how you can stand it, I'd have the ick several hundred per cent by now.

How old are you both op?

I was in this situation once & it's just not sustainable when someone ignores your boundaries. I've never once regretted calling it off & happily he found someone who loves the OTT affection - they're well suited & he's a lovely guy. I can't see this improving for you... good luck with your choice.

Actually this is a good question. I thought 'Oh, this would make a lot more sense if the OP and the guy are both socially-awkward 17-year-olds!' But then I reread and saw the the guy is old enough to have an ex-wife, and the OP is old enough to have several children.

It doesn't matter if he's autistic or these are unreasonable expectations - you don't like it. And notwithstanding that you've been together a year, you apparently barely ever see each other so there's no need for a big agonising declaration over being together or not. it doesn't work for youj, you're not happy, you should end it. And frankly, it's not workign for him either, he wants endless snogging and sex and fine, lots of people who've only seen each other in 12 months would want that, but you don't and so he is probably unhappy too.

Also, he's pressuring you with the "I just want to be sure of you" bullshit so that woudl make me give him the boot right up front.

Mid forties.

On the toilet thing... I didnt expect a decision from him, I was just making conversation and he said something about going into the cinema, I said I'm not sure whether I need to pee or not, he said "yeah" in a flat, monotone way that he always does when I say anything that doesn't interest him.

I get what I was saying wasn't interesting and didn't expect a full blown conversation but just "yeah" and looking past me felt weird, especially as when I'd decided I wasn't going to bother after all, he seemed really interested in having the conversation I'd expected outside the cinema 🙄
Just a "oh you've got time I think" type thing as we were a bit late getting there and it was all a bit of a rush.

Thanks, I suppose you're right. It's this behaviour though that's been putting me off. I give things a go, reassure him I'm not going to just up and leave, make more effort to see him more often and look past the slight icks I get because I really do care about him, but then he goes totally ott with the affection or stands there all doe eyed staring at me and it feels too much.

I asked to see him on Monday when I unexpectedly had some free time and went to hold his hand first when we went for a walk so it's not like I'm depriving him of affection I dont think, he saw me for a couple of hours in Monday then Tuesday lunchtime, then the evening Tuesday and he was still trying to hold my hand the entire film and all of that. Just feels too much.

I think the autism thing though is if he had a 'reason' for being a bit socially awkward then I'd give more leeway I think. Look past things a bit more maybe.

Once a month? I see my nails lady more often than that, bin it off.

He does your head in, you feel frustrated, suffocated and irritated in his presence, and you feel that he is a bit weird. It doesn't matter if he's got autism or not, you can either look past how he is, or it gives you the ick. It woudn't suddenly become more bearable to have him trying to climb you like a pole while you're trying to get in the car, or staring at you like a spaniel after a peice of sausage.

He has a lot of traits you find offputting and unattractive. Why are you with him? It doesn't make any sense.

Why should you give him leeway? You've said things are bothering you and he's disregarding you. This is not a respectful way to treat some.

Why do you see each other so seldom? It seems weird as you apparently don't live that far away from each other.

I disagree that the autism is an excuse. And fyi, unwanted physical contact is NOT the same as social awkwardness. It doesn't matter if someone is ND, if they want to maintain an adult relationship, they need to be abe to understand and respect physical boundaries.

I dont think he has autism. Socially awkward and very annoying but with autism all that touching wouldnt really be a thing. Well not from me anyway.
He sounds very annoying though.

But how is it you have only seen one another about once a month over the course of the year you've been together if you are also saying you saw him three times over the space of two days?

I'm going to not go with the crowd on this one. It's horses for courses and your autism probably does play a part in why physical touch and attention bothers you. I would have no issue whatsoever with holding hands during a movie. Can't say I'd mind about most of what your BF does. However, you do mind, and he's either not accepting, or ignoring that which is pushy.
Having said all that I'd find only meeting once a month unsustainable for a relationship. In fact, anything less than once a week, and I'd feel disconnected and probably couldn't just switch to loving mode once a month either. Why so little seen of each other?
I think the problem lies it such infrequent meetups. That's going to drive a wedge.

I think you're both incompatible with each other. In a new relationship, where you're still getting to know each other but really like each other, I would think loosely holding hands in the cinema for some of the film would be fine. Saying "Yeah" to your toilet comment is also fine because it's such a dull thing to say so I wouldn't care either. But his messages about "rainbows of emotions" etc would be the red flags to me that we simply don't speak the same language. Just end it now as, other than sex, I can't see what you're getting out of this.