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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I let this happen?

53 replies

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 16:26

My dp has, I don't know, gone? Walked out, broken up with me. He wants to do his own thing now. It's been a fair few years. I'm in my 30s.
It's the second time this has happened and I feel utterly thick, stupid, embarrassed, ashamed of myself.
I've had 3 long term relationships and I'm already having therapy because of the first two. Why do I let this happen?
We don't have children together but I do. He has left me to pick up the pieces. Dc are older and are more cross than anything.
I've been in two quite bad relationships where I was made to feel like I was the issue if I brought anything up, questioned and my therapist says emotional abuse. Maybe it was me?
I've not long ago lost a parent and I don't know what to do with myself. My life has just changed massively in the blink of an eye. I was so blindsided and didn't even know there was anything wrong.
I need to make sure I don't do anything else stupid, ever again. I suffer with ptsd because of last two relationships and I still questioned myself if I was doing things 'wrong'. I'm not making sense, I know I'm not. I'm just a bit teary and lost.
I don't know what I need. Maybe I need to make myself more accountable?
Sorry. Maybe I just need a chat.

NC'd as people I know are on here and I'm just so embarrassed.

OP posts:
OldJohn · 09/10/2024 16:31

My dp has, I don't know, gone? Walked out, broken up with me. He wants to do his own thing now.
He walked out, not you, he made that bad choice, not you. You can't blame yourself when someone else is totally stupid and does stupid things.

BMW6 · 09/10/2024 16:33

I'm sorry you've been left high and dry again.

Do you tend to be attracted to the same type of bloke? What happened with the father of your dc?

Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 16:37

BMW6 · 09/10/2024 16:33

I'm sorry you've been left high and dry again.

Do you tend to be attracted to the same type of bloke? What happened with the father of your dc?

I didn't think so but now I'm not sure. Maybe they are similar.

I ended up being financially and emotionally abused. He was the second relationship.

I've lost so much. Money, self esteem, confidence. I'm a shell, I know that and I've tried so hard to get myself back but I've always felt I have one step forward and two back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 16:38

BMW6 · 09/10/2024 16:33

I'm sorry you've been left high and dry again.

Do you tend to be attracted to the same type of bloke? What happened with the father of your dc?

I didn't learn after the first time.

My first ever boyfriend committed suicide. I was 18. I'm not sure if that's relevant but I've always felt guilty. My two, now three relationships after that have all been horrendous.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/10/2024 16:38

I'm so sorry about your loss and that you have been left like this. 💐

On the other hand, if he's emotionally abusive, then it's a good thing he's taken himself off.

If he reappears and wants you back, please don't take him back.

Take this opportunity to just work through things with your counsellor and have a break from men for a bit.

Unfortunately when we've experienced abusive or dysfunctional relationships we often end up in similar ones, it's very common. So best to get yourself into the best mental shape possible before you consider dating again.

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 09/10/2024 16:40

Why are you taking the blame on yourself OP? It's him that has walked out on you. It's him that has let you down, not the other way round.
You are obviously in a bad place if you have recently lost a parent. I'm really sorry for your loss. Your dp should have been there to support you but instead he is "off to do his own thing" . He sounds very selfish.
You will get over this. Don't be hard on yourself.

Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 16:40

category12 · 09/10/2024 16:38

I'm so sorry about your loss and that you have been left like this. 💐

On the other hand, if he's emotionally abusive, then it's a good thing he's taken himself off.

If he reappears and wants you back, please don't take him back.

Take this opportunity to just work through things with your counsellor and have a break from men for a bit.

Unfortunately when we've experienced abusive or dysfunctional relationships we often end up in similar ones, it's very common. So best to get yourself into the best mental shape possible before you consider dating again.

I'm not sure he was but maybe? I can't seem to tell what is right and what isn't in a relationship, clearly!
I don't even know how to take steps. I have nothing in me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 16:42

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 09/10/2024 16:40

Why are you taking the blame on yourself OP? It's him that has walked out on you. It's him that has let you down, not the other way round.
You are obviously in a bad place if you have recently lost a parent. I'm really sorry for your loss. Your dp should have been there to support you but instead he is "off to do his own thing" . He sounds very selfish.
You will get over this. Don't be hard on yourself.

I was blamed for everything and anything in previous relationships and I know I just apologise now. Just to be on the safe side
I always question myself and just apologise. I know that's not right

OP posts:
Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 09/10/2024 16:48

Your self esteem sounds so low OP.

Best to work on yourself a bit, get yourself in a better place. If you go into another relationship go into it seeing yourself as an equal, not the fall guy.

It really is a cycle: the more you take the blame, the more other people see you as the one at fault because it gives them the upper hand in the relationship. It absolves them of having to take responsibility for things.

Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 16:55

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 09/10/2024 16:48

Your self esteem sounds so low OP.

Best to work on yourself a bit, get yourself in a better place. If you go into another relationship go into it seeing yourself as an equal, not the fall guy.

It really is a cycle: the more you take the blame, the more other people see you as the one at fault because it gives them the upper hand in the relationship. It absolves them of having to take responsibility for things.

I have none. I've not had any for years. I am so low in confidence.
I don't even know where to start. I'm definitely off men and relationships for good. I can't ever feel this way again.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 09/10/2024 17:00

This might be just what you need. Abusers sniff out people who are hurt and vulnerable. Take this time to focus on your therapy and rebuilding yourself.

You weren’t the problem here. He walked out, not you.

Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 17:02

StormingNorman · 09/10/2024 17:00

This might be just what you need. Abusers sniff out people who are hurt and vulnerable. Take this time to focus on your therapy and rebuilding yourself.

You weren’t the problem here. He walked out, not you.

I hope so.
Maybe I do go for people who take the piss a bit.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2024 17:04

If you have not already enrolled yourself onto the Freedom Programme please do so. It will help you go forwards.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further got at by this man who chose to walk out now. The trash has taken itself out really, good riddance to him.

BMW6 · 09/10/2024 17:14

Do you possibly go for men who you can "fix" to make up for the first one's suicide perhaps?

Heavier · 09/10/2024 18:04

I know it’s hard to see this but you are better off without him. I’d spend a decent amount of time being single and focusing on what makes you happy. It sounds like you need a reset.

Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 19:11

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2024 17:04

If you have not already enrolled yourself onto the Freedom Programme please do so. It will help you go forwards.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further got at by this man who chose to walk out now. The trash has taken itself out really, good riddance to him.

That has hit a nerve, thank you! I do have boundaries (in my head) but everytime I have ever tried asserting myself, I got told (in the past) I was controlling so kind of stopped doing that to show I wasn't? It makes sense in my head! I am wondering if I drop my boundaries and people walk all over me. I feel like a mug.

What is the freedom programme?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 19:13

BMW6 · 09/10/2024 17:14

Do you possibly go for men who you can "fix" to make up for the first one's suicide perhaps?

I didn't think so. I thought he fixed me. But he has also cheated, and I have taken him back. He always seemed like he had advice and helped me through things. I'm not sure he hasn't added to my already rock bottom esteem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 19:14

Heavier · 09/10/2024 18:04

I know it’s hard to see this but you are better off without him. I’d spend a decent amount of time being single and focusing on what makes you happy. It sounds like you need a reset.

On paper, that seems so easy. To do that I need to be strong and I feel so far from strong at the moment

OP posts:
OldJohn · 09/10/2024 19:29

@Shouldnthavebeensostupid You wrote "On paper, that seems so easy. To do that I need to be strong and I feel so far from strong at the moment"
I think you have been strong to write all this down, you can read it and help yourself realise that you are a good strong person. Use that strength to get the extra help you need.
Everything you have written makes me think it was your ex-partners, not you who were weak.

Heavier · 09/10/2024 19:35

You can do this. You are a nice person who has had a rough time but this is the time for that to change.

Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 19:38

OldJohn · 09/10/2024 19:29

@Shouldnthavebeensostupid You wrote "On paper, that seems so easy. To do that I need to be strong and I feel so far from strong at the moment"
I think you have been strong to write all this down, you can read it and help yourself realise that you are a good strong person. Use that strength to get the extra help you need.
Everything you have written makes me think it was your ex-partners, not you who were weak.

I've had a lot go on and suffer with ptsd. I try to do my very best in every situation but the more that keeps happening, the weaker I feel.

And I question myself so much on whether it's because I am just a generally horrible person who does this to other people!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 19:40

Heavier · 09/10/2024 19:35

You can do this. You are a nice person who has had a rough time but this is the time for that to change.

I don't know anymore! If it happens in every relationship, maybe it is me?

OP posts:
Heavier · 09/10/2024 19:47

Your therapist thinks it was emotional abuse. They wouldn’t say that if they didn’t think it.

Original poster
Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 19:50

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2024 19:44

Thank you so much ⚘

OP posts: