Why do I let this happen?

[Shouldnthavebeensostupid]

My dp has, I don't know, gone? Walked out, broken up with me. He wants to do his own thing now. It's been a fair few years. I'm in my 30s.
It's the second time this has happened and I feel utterly thick, stupid, embarrassed, ashamed of myself.
I've had 3 long term relationships and I'm already having therapy because of the first two. Why do I let this happen?
We don't have children together but I do. He has left me to pick up the pieces. Dc are older and are more cross than anything.
I've been in two quite bad relationships where I was made to feel like I was the issue if I brought anything up, questioned and my therapist says emotional abuse. Maybe it was me?
I've not long ago lost a parent and I don't know what to do with myself. My life has just changed massively in the blink of an eye. I was so blindsided and didn't even know there was anything wrong.
I need to make sure I don't do anything else stupid, ever again. I suffer with ptsd because of last two relationships and I still questioned myself if I was doing things 'wrong'. I'm not making sense, I know I'm not. I'm just a bit teary and lost.
I don't know what I need. Maybe I need to make myself more accountable?
Sorry. Maybe I just need a chat.

NC'd as people I know are on here and I'm just so embarrassed.

Ok! I will go and get plenty of bin bags and fill them. And not sort them nicely as I have done previously. Luckily, I paid for everything and all is in my name so it's just stuff to pack and then there's nothing to do. Clean break

That's the spirit! Just shove it all unwashed any old how into bin bags and tell him it's outside and come and get it or the bin men will take.

The other thing you can do is write a list of all the shitty, nasty, lazy, irritating shit he's done, all his bad habits, all the negatives you can think of, and put it up somewhere prominent that you can read if you feel sad.

If you have a happy memory - read the list again.
If you want to cry do so for a few minutes - then read the list.
If you get an urge to ring him - read the list.

You can do this.

Lists.
I can do that too! Iike a good list. Mentally thinking about the list and feeling positive (just at the minute, I know it will change), and I deep down know he has done me a huge favour.
I know I will have the opportunity to improve on my own mental health, save the money that would have been spent on the extra food, fuel, imsurances etc (he struggled to hold down a job) and hopefully I will start becoming me again.

I don't know who me is at the moment and I don't think I have done for a very long time but I am excited to find out who I am!