Page 2 | Why do I let this happen?

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 19:50

Heavier · 09/10/2024 19:47

Your therapist thinks it was emotional abuse. They wouldn’t say that if they didn’t think it.

I'm doubting it. I'm doubting everything. Maybe I made it all up in my head?

OP posts:

B1rd · 09/10/2024 20:10

You are not alone with finding men who aren't right for you. Many of us do it, irrespective of self confidence. Some men feed you with exactly what you want to hear and it feels wonderful in the beginning, but then starts to go wrong when they settle into their true self. Maybe the issue is that you stay for too long in a relationship that isn't right for you.

I lost both parents and was eager to find someone who loved me. All the relationships ended and truly messed with my confidence. I promised myself that I would not date for a year. That year showed me that I was ok with myself. I grew as a person as I was only reliant on myself. It demonstrated that I didnt need a man and gave me time to reflect upon what I did require in a partner. When I did go back to dating, I quickly dumped the wrong ones and waited for the nice guy. I had all the time in the world, there was no longer a rush because I knew that I was ok by myself.

Heavier · 09/10/2024 20:13

Irrespective of what is in the past you need to look to the future and work out how you can build a happy life for yourself.

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/10/2024 23:59

I think this man has done you a favour OP although I know it may not seem like it now.
A lot has happened to you, bereavement , abuse , PTSD and low self esteem.
Work on your self , focus on finding the things that bring you joy . No man can fill a gap in your life op only you can do that x
Be strong x

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 09:49

B1rd · 09/10/2024 20:10

You are not alone with finding men who aren't right for you. Many of us do it, irrespective of self confidence. Some men feed you with exactly what you want to hear and it feels wonderful in the beginning, but then starts to go wrong when they settle into their true self. Maybe the issue is that you stay for too long in a relationship that isn't right for you.

I lost both parents and was eager to find someone who loved me. All the relationships ended and truly messed with my confidence. I promised myself that I would not date for a year. That year showed me that I was ok with myself. I grew as a person as I was only reliant on myself. It demonstrated that I didnt need a man and gave me time to reflect upon what I did require in a partner. When I did go back to dating, I quickly dumped the wrong ones and waited for the nice guy. I had all the time in the world, there was no longer a rush because I knew that I was ok by myself.

Maybe I do, you could be onto something there! Why do we stay even though it makes us feel anxious or far down the priority list, anything really. We aren't happy and we stay.

I'm so glad your confidence returned. I think I will swear off men forever. I just need to get through this sad and crying stage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 09:52

Heavier · 09/10/2024 20:13

Irrespective of what is in the past you need to look to the future and work out how you can build a happy life for yourself.

I'm trying to. I have decided to look after myself in a fitness sense, I have struggled with weight but I was always told that my curves were perfect and not to change them.
I occasionally smoke when I'm stressed. I need to curb that.
I feel I want a new fresh start, new job etc but I don't know if it's a knee jerk reaction

OP posts:

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 09:56

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/10/2024 23:59

I think this man has done you a favour OP although I know it may not seem like it now.
A lot has happened to you, bereavement , abuse , PTSD and low self esteem.
Work on your self , focus on finding the things that bring you joy . No man can fill a gap in your life op only you can do that x
Be strong x

I really hope you're right. I hope this feeling doesn't last too long. I feel so low and empty and very raw. My eyes fill the second I think about anything. I'm trying not to but it still does.
I'm going to declutter a room today and hopefully that will take my mind off.

I am so low in everything I think about myself and I can't help wondering what on earth I've done in a previous life to have been dealt this hand. It's been rock hard since I was 18. Life has been so difficult.
Thank you for replying

OP posts:

Bibi12 · 10/10/2024 09:58

OP the fact is that many people are just awful. That's why it's so important to recognise red flags and be able to leave.
It's better to be on your own then in bad relationship.
It's not necessarily anything that you've done and there is nothing wrong with you. Being good and lovely doesn't suddenly land you a perfect life you deserve. It's choices you make and a bit of luck that helps.

There are good men out there but you need to be more selective and prepared to he happy by yourself before you find one.

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 09:59

Update, just to make myself accountable.
I have had a message asking when he can pick his sfuff up. I don't know how to start going through it. I have replied 'I will be in touch'. There is nothing packed and I feel so angry that he has lefr all his stuff, only took his car and I am expected to pack it all up. It's a bit of a kick in the teeth.
I resolve to never send a begging message. Or to show him how upset I am. I need this thread to keep myself accountable.
He did this last time and I had to go through the heart wrenching couple of days to pack his stuff. It's so selfish and unfair.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 10:00

Bibi12 · 10/10/2024 09:58

OP the fact is that many people are just awful. That's why it's so important to recognise red flags and be able to leave.
It's better to be on your own then in bad relationship.
It's not necessarily anything that you've done and there is nothing wrong with you. Being good and lovely doesn't suddenly land you a perfect life you deserve. It's choices you make and a bit of luck that helps.

There are good men out there but you need to be more selective and prepared to he happy by yourself before you find one.

Edited

I'm not sure I'd know a red flag if it ran me over and slapped me about with a wet fish 🥴

OP posts:

exhaustedmum24 · 10/10/2024 10:12

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 09/10/2024 16:26

My dp has, I don't know, gone? Walked out, broken up with me. He wants to do his own thing now. It's been a fair few years. I'm in my 30s.
It's the second time this has happened and I feel utterly thick, stupid, embarrassed, ashamed of myself.
I've had 3 long term relationships and I'm already having therapy because of the first two. Why do I let this happen?
We don't have children together but I do. He has left me to pick up the pieces. Dc are older and are more cross than anything.
I've been in two quite bad relationships where I was made to feel like I was the issue if I brought anything up, questioned and my therapist says emotional abuse. Maybe it was me?
I've not long ago lost a parent and I don't know what to do with myself. My life has just changed massively in the blink of an eye. I was so blindsided and didn't even know there was anything wrong.
I need to make sure I don't do anything else stupid, ever again. I suffer with ptsd because of last two relationships and I still questioned myself if I was doing things 'wrong'. I'm not making sense, I know I'm not. I'm just a bit teary and lost.
I don't know what I need. Maybe I need to make myself more accountable?
Sorry. Maybe I just need a chat.

NC'd as people I know are on here and I'm just so embarrassed.

Maybe you now need to focus on YOU.

I think the saying is you can't love someone or be happy if you don't love yourself or you're not happy with yourself, I do believe this saying is true.

I think you need to focus on yourself and start boosting your self esteem, confidence and your mental health, start doing things for you, spend time with family and friends, get your hair and nails done, coffee with friends and family, speak to your GP again get referrals for therapy and counselling, You seem to have a lot of self blame and doubt and really your not the 'issue' as you say, I think a lot of guys that you've been in relationships with seek out the more vulnerable women and use this massively to their advantage! They can sense when a woman is low, has zero confidence and self esteem and they use that as a weapon when really they should be helping you boost these, I 100% get this situation because I have put myself in these relationships a couple of times and it's due to the lack of self esteem and confidence in myself and because of that I allowed myself to get into these shitty relationships.

You deserve more and deserved to be loved and respected by a man, this walking away bollocks is just a sign he's weak and pathetic and when times get hard he runs away like a little boy. You are also grieving and he should be supporting you, if I was you I would completely distance myself away from this 'boy' and focus on you it takes time but you will then become resilient to these men who think it's ok to treat women like shit and you will eventually become stronger and won't put up with this kind of behaviour as you will realise you are worth more and deserve more.

What he has done is not ok, you should not be ok with it either as it will keep happening he's done it twice. Don't allow this to happen again.

Bibi12 · 10/10/2024 10:14

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 10:00

I'm not sure I'd know a red flag if it ran me over and slapped me about with a wet fish 🥴

Show quote history

Then don't date before you learn what healthy relationship looks like and what are red flags.
Would you buy a car or house or even booked a holiday if you didn't know anything about what you're buying and how to judge if it's right for you? Relationship is one of the most important decisions you will make. Don't make it unless you are ready.

There are so many horrible people out there. They will take advantage and mistreat others. You can't stay with those people and then interpret it as if there is something wrong with you or you're not deserving of something. That's not how the world works. Its not a fairytale.
You just made a wrong choice/were unlucky. That's all. You need to learn from it , not identity yourself with it.

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 10:22

exhaustedmum24 · 10/10/2024 10:12

Maybe you now need to focus on YOU.

I think the saying is you can't love someone or be happy if you don't love yourself or you're not happy with yourself, I do believe this saying is true.

I think you need to focus on yourself and start boosting your self esteem, confidence and your mental health, start doing things for you, spend time with family and friends, get your hair and nails done, coffee with friends and family, speak to your GP again get referrals for therapy and counselling, You seem to have a lot of self blame and doubt and really your not the 'issue' as you say, I think a lot of guys that you've been in relationships with seek out the more vulnerable women and use this massively to their advantage! They can sense when a woman is low, has zero confidence and self esteem and they use that as a weapon when really they should be helping you boost these, I 100% get this situation because I have put myself in these relationships a couple of times and it's due to the lack of self esteem and confidence in myself and because of that I allowed myself to get into these shitty relationships.

You deserve more and deserved to be loved and respected by a man, this walking away bollocks is just a sign he's weak and pathetic and when times get hard he runs away like a little boy. You are also grieving and he should be supporting you, if I was you I would completely distance myself away from this 'boy' and focus on you it takes time but you will then become resilient to these men who think it's ok to treat women like shit and you will eventually become stronger and won't put up with this kind of behaviour as you will realise you are worth more and deserve more.

What he has done is not ok, you should not be ok with it either as it will keep happening he's done it twice. Don't allow this to happen again.

Show quote history

Thank you that was really helpful to read. He is weak and pathetic and in hindsight, I don't really think it was me he wanted. I have a good job, I paid for everything and he just went through life without any worries. I feel so stupid

OP posts:

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 10:24

Bibi12 · 10/10/2024 10:14

Then don't date before you learn what healthy relationship looks like and what are red flags.
Would you buy a car or house or even booked a holiday if you didn't know anything about what you're buying and how to judge if it's right for you? Relationship is one of the most important decisions you will make. Don't make it unless you are ready.

There are so many horrible people out there. They will take advantage and mistreat others. You can't stay with those people and then interpret it as if there is something wrong with you or you're not deserving of something. That's not how the world works. Its not a fairytale.
You just made a wrong choice/were unlucky. That's all. You need to learn from it , not identity yourself with it.

Show quote history

I need to learn this. Everything was brilliant though, I felt really loved. I have realised that these last few weeks, I have felt very unloved. I have even spoken to him about it and he assured me all was ok. Thank you

OP posts:

category12 · 10/10/2024 10:34

He probably love-bombed you in the beginning.

Bibi12 · 10/10/2024 10:36

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 10:24

I need to learn this. Everything was brilliant though, I felt really loved. I have realised that these last few weeks, I have felt very unloved. I have even spoken to him about it and he assured me all was ok. Thank you

Show quote history

Oh it takes a while for them to show their true colours, doesn't it?
It's hard but it sounds like you have a good job and you can move forward without this useless man OP.
Best of luck 💐

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 10:55

I lied because I am so embarrassed. This is the 4th time he has walked out on me. I have been so stupid to let him back. Not this time

OP posts:

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/10/2024 10:55

OP You are a lovely person who has had it hard and deserves better.
It sounds as if a visitor to Doctor may help yo u feel less down , self help starts with better nutrition, exercise therapy and re connecting with friends. Small steps but important.

Dont allow him to step over your doorstep and rummage for his stuff. He’s no longer welcome in your home. You are vulnerable and don’t need his lies Get those bin bags ready mix his dirty and clean stuff and throw it in - no folding allowed. Put it the garage , get it out of your house and your life.
Give him a deadline to collect his stuff if possible get someone else there for him to talk to , so you don’t get drawn into his bullshit ! then Id block him on all social media and your phone.
Get a ring doorbell if that would help you feel more secure.

Book something nice to look forward to .Small steps OP but look forward and focus on making yourself feel better .

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 13:23

category12 · 10/10/2024 10:34

He probably love-bombed you in the beginning.

Telling you everything you want to hear, need to hear, being brilliant in every way. Yes that is what happened. It didn't stay that way though! I will resolve to keep remembering the bad things, and not live in the lovely memories

OP posts:

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 13:25

Bibi12 · 10/10/2024 10:36

Oh it takes a while for them to show their true colours, doesn't it?
It's hard but it sounds like you have a good job and you can move forward without this useless man OP.
Best of luck 💐

Show quote history

He has been very distant these last three weeks. He started a new hobby and found new friends. He has shown once again that whenever something better comes along, I am the one who suffers. It has happened every time before. How can I have not seen this!

OP posts:

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 13:27

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/10/2024 10:55

OP You are a lovely person who has had it hard and deserves better.
It sounds as if a visitor to Doctor may help yo u feel less down , self help starts with better nutrition, exercise therapy and re connecting with friends. Small steps but important.

Dont allow him to step over your doorstep and rummage for his stuff. He’s no longer welcome in your home. You are vulnerable and don’t need his lies Get those bin bags ready mix his dirty and clean stuff and throw it in - no folding allowed. Put it the garage , get it out of your house and your life.
Give him a deadline to collect his stuff if possible get someone else there for him to talk to , so you don’t get drawn into his bullshit ! then Id block him on all social media and your phone.
Get a ring doorbell if that would help you feel more secure.

Book something nice to look forward to .Small steps OP but look forward and focus on making yourself feel better .

Thank you, I wasn't sure whether I needed to wash his dirty clothes before I packed them. Just these little bits of advice are really helpful as I just don't know what to do! I haven't even started packing his stuff. I can't face it. But I suppose the quicker I do it, hopefully it will help to move on?

OP posts:

Comtesse · 10/10/2024 13:38

He’s a wrong’un. Enough of this rubbish, he’s messed you around for long enough.

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/10/2024 13:42

Don’t interpret ” pack “ as folding up his stuff . You aren’t his mother !
Throw his junk in bin bags , mix it up.
Stop being so nice . He deserves nothing from you OP but contempt , he’s run you a merry dance and treated you like ……
Get angry

YellowRoom · 10/10/2024 13:53

I wonder why you think you should wash the clothes of someone who has abused you, cheated on you and then abandoned you. Why do you think you ought to?

Original poster

Shouldnthavebeensostupid · 10/10/2024 14:18

YellowRoom · 10/10/2024 13:53

I wonder why you think you should wash the clothes of someone who has abused you, cheated on you and then abandoned you. Why do you think you ought to?

These are the questions I need! I don't know, I've always done the washing and I think that I'm maybe a little bit too nice and a bit of a mug...

OP posts: