Equality with money when dating?

[Pxh]

Hi
I have been dating a lovely single dad and it’s all been going well. His child is only young whereas mines is grown and working now. The only thing I’m conscious of is that he seems quite comfortable letting me pay for little things and cooking dinner constantly and I’m a bit conscious of this as I’ve previously had a very financially abusive partner who left me really out of pocket after a long term relationship. We’ve been seeing each other once a week for about 4 months. He’s cooked for me once in this time and I cook for him pretty much every weekend except maybe once a month or so we might eat out. When we go out for dinner we always split the bill down the middle - though if we get a takeaway I feel like I need to be careful as he’ll just let me pay on my account and then doesn’t offer to cover his half.

I should say I don’t drive so he is the one paying for petrol, it’s about half an hour to his from mines. Would you say that this would make it equal? I just feel like I’m the one always buying all the food and wee treats for us, there’s been weekends I’ve been like £30-40 buying food for dinner and treats, and then when we go out to eat we’re still halfing everything. The last guy I went out with always paid when we went out for dinner as he knew I’d spoil him cooking the rest of the time, but I just feel a bit like it’s me doing all the spoiling here 🤣 though I don’t know if I’m just over cautious having had a bad experience from my long term relationship ending. Any thoughts?

If you’re uncomfortable with how things are and if you can’t afford to always pay, then tell him that. Just ask him if he would mind going halfers on the dinner and take aways. If he has a problem with it, then you’ll know he’s taking advantage. Maybe you could go to his half the time and then you’d be splitting the travel expenses as well.

Maybe do 50/50 on Splitwise? Then you can both add any joint costs fairly.

I used to have this with my ex, and using Splitwise immediately stopped any hard feelings because all costs were accounted for (I think he just had terrible memory looking back at it now! At the time I was convinced he was having me on 😂)

He might be a complete tightarse or he might just think you enjoy cooking but unless you chat to him and tell him how you’re feeling you won’t know which.

Thanks everyone. I do like cooking and naturally like spoiling someone with wee treats but just find all this really awkward as I don’t feel like it’s coming back from him. He suggested we have a steak dinner at the weekend and it was just up to me to provide it all, he doesn’t even think to bring round dessert or anything, and I suggested we go out this week and he’s saying he can’t as he doesn’t have the money, so again it’s assumed I’ll be the one paying for food and cooking dinner. I think especially this early on I kind of expect a bit more effort? Which is a bit gutting as he’s great in every other way 😕

Your second message makes me think he is taking the piss. Who suggests steak night and then lets the other person foot the bill? He must realise steak is pricey. You need to say something OP, before this gets too embedded. Just say "oh by the way, I'm feeling a bit out of pocket because of all the times we have dinner at mine, can we think about how to split the costs between us?". @MoneyAndPercentages 's idea of Splitwise is good because then he can put an allowance for petrol on there to make it fair.

I would be rather put off by this.
I assume he's either using you to feed him with nice food, without any effort on his part or just plain tight!
Then again, what is his salary, maybe he's paying his ex-wife?
I wouldn't fall into the habit of being someone's doormat so early into the relationship. Perhaps say something like you are fed up of cooking and could he take you out or cook for you, for a change.

I would be naffed off if someone came to my house for the weekend and didn’t turn up with something, bottle of wine, dessert even a bunch of flowers, he’s not even offering.

Actually think your update answers the question. Hes a freeloader - I’d be binning him off.

I think it would more be the thoughtlessness rather than the discrepancies in money that would bother me in your position. You need to have the conservation sooner rather than later.

He's not a nice guy - he's a user and a chancer.

I wouldn't treat a friend like that, would you?

I'd get rid, honestly.

I don't believe in talking this sort of thing over, really. He's shown you who he is. There's no need for a discussion.

Sounds like he's taking advantage. DH and I first got together during COVID when the restaurants were still closed so we had most of our dates in my house. He did cook at his a few times but it was mostly me cooking which I didn't mind as I enjoy hosting and cooking. He would always pay for the takeaways when he had them and he'd often ask me to send him a shopping list and he'd bring round the ingredients for me to cook dinner or he'd bring some wine or dessert. The man your dating is just eating for free. It'll be costing him a couple of quid in petrol at the most. The first few months of a relationship are usually when people are trying to impress and on their best behaviour so this doesn't bode well that he's already showing himself to be a bit of a user and a cheapskate.

What a spongy loser!

I don't think it sounds ideal OP. Similar to PP I had a lot of at home dates with a partner and they would do the cooking and bring the ingredients etc

Hmmm all I’d say is non drivers often don’t appreciate motoring costs beyond just the petrol, but love the convenience of getting lifts door to door.

Of course, @alwaysmovingforwards but do you think she should visit him, then, and bring all the food with her? He's obviously getting a far better deal than she is.

He’s taking the piss and doing minimal effort in at the beginning of a relationship when both of you are trying to impress each other. If he’s behaving like this during this time I don’t even want to think what it’s going to look like three years into the relationship. I would sit with him and politely tell him that you’re struggling and it’s 50/50 money wise from now on. You’re not paying one penny for his petrol because you’re doing the cooking which is work, end off. I would place some strict boundaries money wise with this guy. He’s getting free labour, free hot meals, and free sex, what are you getting from him OP? Plus by keeping quiet you’re planting a seed for financial abuse and sending him a strong message that you’re happy to put up with his free loading ways.

Bin him op.

I'd not want a partner like this , if he's short of money he should explain and you can make decisions around that eg walk in the park with a flask and hot sausage rolls . If he's not strapped for cash why does he think it's acceptable for you to always pay .
Either way it's not great so think how much worse it could be if the relationship develops to the point you move in together

Either sack him off.
Or
Tell him you have to rein in your spending so in future would it be ok to go halfers on everything when dating, food, petrol, eating out (and choosing places based on cost we can afford in any particular week) etc?

If he says yes then that's fine

I'd take cash out and have it ready so when it comes to splitting the bill you can say here's my half. Much easier than card.

If he's skint he may be grateful for this. Perhaps he's been feeling bad.

Or perhaps he's a potential lodger of the cock variety. You'll soon find out which if he runs....

Four months in and he's already got you doing all the cooking and paying for it, now claiming he can't afford to eat out which was the only thing you split.

Throw him back.

“Hi Lucy, I’m strapped for cash so I’m going to have you pay for my meals, that involves your time going shopping to Tesco, buying the food, cooking it and the energy bills involved. In exchange I’ll just pop up at your place and sit on your table, hopefully I’ll get some free sex after that and watch some telly”.

It doesn't sound great and I think I would end it. However if you don't want to do that why don't you say something like steak sounds great, will you get it and a bottle of red on your way over, and see how he reacts to that

I’m not sure what to take from this. I only see him once a week from about 7pm until the next morning at like 7am as he usually needs to pick up the wee one. I don’t get lifts other than going to his. Are you saying I should be contributing towards his vehicle costs for him to come and see me?

OP - you see him once a week and he’s pleading poverty and doesn’t contribute anything to the meals you’re cooking.
Does he bring wine? Chocolates? Dessert?

Or is it roll up, eat your food, sex then see you next week?

Sounds like a waste of time if I’m honest. It’s not really going anywhere is it?