Equality with money when dating?

[Pxh]

Hi
I have been dating a lovely single dad and it’s all been going well. His child is only young whereas mines is grown and working now. The only thing I’m conscious of is that he seems quite comfortable letting me pay for little things and cooking dinner constantly and I’m a bit conscious of this as I’ve previously had a very financially abusive partner who left me really out of pocket after a long term relationship. We’ve been seeing each other once a week for about 4 months. He’s cooked for me once in this time and I cook for him pretty much every weekend except maybe once a month or so we might eat out. When we go out for dinner we always split the bill down the middle - though if we get a takeaway I feel like I need to be careful as he’ll just let me pay on my account and then doesn’t offer to cover his half.

I should say I don’t drive so he is the one paying for petrol, it’s about half an hour to his from mines. Would you say that this would make it equal? I just feel like I’m the one always buying all the food and wee treats for us, there’s been weekends I’ve been like £30-40 buying food for dinner and treats, and then when we go out to eat we’re still halfing everything. The last guy I went out with always paid when we went out for dinner as he knew I’d spoil him cooking the rest of the time, but I just feel a bit like it’s me doing all the spoiling here 🤣 though I don’t know if I’m just over cautious having had a bad experience from my long term relationship ending. Any thoughts?

OP - as much as I think he’s taking the piss, if you want to give him a chsnce to redeem himself you need to find your voice

You do use words like ‘assume’ a lot and say ‘it’s up to me to provide’ but have you actually said to him ‘ok can you bring steak and a bottle of wine and I’ll cook? Or told him you fancy going v to his and him cook for a change?

Free loading man-baby. Honestly, OP, this will only get worse.

Oh come off it op. No one can be this silly surely? He's not a single dad is he, his mum is doing it. He's just using you for free meals and sex. What is he adding to your life?

I would stop offering to cook, tell him it's his turn, don't buy takeaways, maybe avoid dinner together everytime? Meet for a drink or something else, or have lunch.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I think your standards are too low. Only a lowlife would be happy to let you do all the cooking and not offer to pay his share at least for a takeaway. He sounds like a scumbag.

Please, please get rid of him. Even if you discuss this with him and he starts paying towards food or bringing food when he comes to visit you, it won’t come from the heart and slowly he’ll give less and less. In time it will become awful. I am speaking from experience.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

If he genuinely wanted to treat you, look after you and be thoughtful, it would be second nature to him. The fact that he isn't at this early stage, and that you may have to tell him speaks to his character. This is who he is!

He is looking for a replacement mum, with the added benefit of free sex. If the relationship were to progress, you'd find yourself paying for him AND his DC, and running around after them both.

You may be having a nice time on the one day a week that he deigns to visit for you to roll out the red carpet and wait on him, however he really isn't adding anything to your life OP.

Throw this one back and raise your standards. You deserve to be treated much much better than this.

Hes a freeloading piss taker. Get rid

Folk know when they're taking the piss - he knows the score here OP!

He knows you are doing the shopping, the cooking, the spending. Having a discussion will highlight this, but it's not as if he doesn't know already, unless he's a bit thick.

He is banking on this as the status quo because this is who he is.

If it were me I'd get rid immediately. If this progresses you'll be a full-time bang-maid for him, this is the path you're already on in these early stages.

You don't need a conversation "about" this, I think you just need to use your legs and run.

I agree this isn't something that can be resolved though a discussion. He is showing you he is thoughtless and tight. If you want to see whether this is the case, this week you don't offer to cook, and if he says he's coming to yours, you say you would prefer to go to his and you BRING AND PLAN NOTHING. That is what he does. YOU have been making the evening great, now it's his turn. Do this for a few weeks. You need to see what this thing is when you stop doing all the work.

Thanks everyone who has commented.
I do think some of you seem to be jumping the gun a bit. I said his mum has the child for dinner until her gets home from work and I’ve got people screaming that she probably does his cleaning and laundry too and how he isn’t really a single dad 🤣 that isn’t the case. He works long hours and sometimes has starts at 5am so yes, he relies on help but the child stays with him full time other than this. He has a childminder for a few days a week as his mum works and he doesn’t have much free time to himself at all. I also get he won’t have as much money as me as I was a single mum myself paying childcare etc.
He is a nice person and has been sober a long time and still involved in the program helping others. He is really open and honest and we get on really well together; this is the only thing I am put off by add trust me I’ve been through it with others and I know when to look out for red flags! I have a lot of people saying he sounds horrible but I hadn’t mentioned any of his personality and only this issue as this is the only thing I feel like is giving me anxiety.
I think I just need to speak to him about it and if it seems like something that’s gonna be an issue this might not be something I’m looking for.

Thank you for this. I think you’re right here, I’ve been doing too much and throwing myself into this which is why I’m then frustrated when I’m not getting the same effort back.

I think you need to set your boundaries better. You're feeling awkward as you know you're putting more into this financially than you should be. But the only way to resolve this is to put a boundary in place - ask for half the food costs and see how it goes or say if I cook, you need to bring dessert or something like that.

But just remember if you do bin him off, it's far easier to set this out at the start.

I made loads of mistakes like this when dating - and it's especially complicated when your kids are older and you date men with younger children as in general, even if they do have good jobs, they are paying for their own accommodation, child support for their kids and potentially supporting the ex in their living situation. Most men I saw had far less disposable income than me which tbh always caused issues. So set out your stall from the beginning and then everyone is clear where they stand!

Good luck!

He sounds as though he has a lot of good qualities OP, I gather he used to have a drink problem that is under control? and he's a responsible father.

There's just that niggle though, isn't there, that he's taking you for granted rather too much. The expectation that you will subsidise him is so offputting.

I really wouldn't want to have to spell it out to him, I'd just cool things and see how it goes.

Steak indeed!!

People like this instinctively know what personally type can be taken advantage of.

He needs to contribute to half the cost and not just some miserly pudding or a bottle of cheap plonk, as it's blatantly obvious he'll conveniently 'forget' or it will be some sort of inadequate offering and you'll always be paying for the lion's share.

I've been in your shoes.

@Pxh You sound really desperate to be with someone that you're willing to lower your boundary/creating multiple excuses for this man-child? Why?

From your description, he must be thanking his lucky stars (and no doubt boasting to his mates) that he had found another woman who is so accommodating to his wishes. What about yours? Are your needs being met?

Give your love and energy to yourself and children - he is a freeloader. Bin asap.

He has found another woman to take care of him. And it continues as long as you are letting him to get away with it. As PP said just stop bringing food etc with you. Take a step back and see how he reacts and deals with the situation.

You are worth more OP!! Terrible manners from him to come to you continually empty handed. Steaks too!! I’d have the ick by now.

Is that advice for women only, or also for men?

There are givers and takers in life. Sounds like you’re a giver and he’s a taker.

It is the lack of thought and effort that’s the real issue. Him not having as much disposable income doesn’t have to be a problem as long as there’s fairness and there doesn’t seem to be.

If he can’t afford to buy steak then why should you supply it? It seems like he’s got champagne taste and a Diet Coke budget

Send him a list if ingredients he needs to bring.
'Hi x, Im Happy to cook tomorrow. Would you please bring x, y, z with you.
Cheers, looking forward to seeing you x'

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’m gonna end this here and deal with it as I’m not finding some of the comments particularly helpful, like being told I sound “desperate” for saying he does have a lot of good qualities rather than just slating the guy and chucking him without a second thought. I am extremely conscious of being taken advantage of as I know the type of person I am and that’s why I wanted to ask for advice in case I was being oversensitive with this after my previous relationship (which I ended as no, I am not desperate to be with anyone). I do think he is a bit clueless and I know he hasn’t been with anyone like me before, but I am conscious of the thoughtlessness and I know it’s the things you ignore in the beginning that become the big problems in the end. Thanks for all your input x

OP, you sound like a really nice person.
But you are being used.
People are NEVER mean accidentally.
It is always a very deliberate conscious choice.
Meanness goes to the very core of a person.
Their goal is always to come out ahead.
They are often very pleasant people.
They wouldn't get away with being mean AND horrible.
You are being used.
Sadly like many nice generous women, you have thrown your home open and you like to be a nice host.

You are just the type of woman mean men like.
I am sorry that this is hurtful, but please believe me, this is not accidental.

He is very deliberate in his actions.
This is not a good relationship for you long term.

I suggest you go to his with nothing.
I bet you he will baulk big time.
I wouldn't be surprised if he moves on quickly if you change things up.

Going forward reprocosity is your goal.
It will help you spot things quicker and not be months down the line realising it.

He is also a real cheeky fxxker to suggest steak and bring nothing.
He is really mean, and so ill mannered too.