Equality with money when dating?

[Pxh]

Hi
I have been dating a lovely single dad and it’s all been going well. His child is only young whereas mines is grown and working now. The only thing I’m conscious of is that he seems quite comfortable letting me pay for little things and cooking dinner constantly and I’m a bit conscious of this as I’ve previously had a very financially abusive partner who left me really out of pocket after a long term relationship. We’ve been seeing each other once a week for about 4 months. He’s cooked for me once in this time and I cook for him pretty much every weekend except maybe once a month or so we might eat out. When we go out for dinner we always split the bill down the middle - though if we get a takeaway I feel like I need to be careful as he’ll just let me pay on my account and then doesn’t offer to cover his half.

I should say I don’t drive so he is the one paying for petrol, it’s about half an hour to his from mines. Would you say that this would make it equal? I just feel like I’m the one always buying all the food and wee treats for us, there’s been weekends I’ve been like £30-40 buying food for dinner and treats, and then when we go out to eat we’re still halfing everything. The last guy I went out with always paid when we went out for dinner as he knew I’d spoil him cooking the rest of the time, but I just feel a bit like it’s me doing all the spoiling here 🤣 though I don’t know if I’m just over cautious having had a bad experience from my long term relationship ending. Any thoughts?

@Pxh Are you saying I should be contributing towards his vehicle costs for him to come and see me?

Absolutely not, you're already providing free labour by cooking his meals. Let him pay for his gas.

Who suggests a steak dinner and then leaves organising and cooking to the other person? No thank you. I don't like his behaviour at all and you need to make some changes so that it's not you paying majority unless you ok to break up with him for this. That's going to cost you a fortune in a long run to co your line this.

@TwistedWonder Sounds like a waste of time if I’m honest. It’s not really going anywhere is it?

I waste of time for her maybe, but he's hit the lotto with her, he aint going nowhere...

Oh definitely. Hes got it cushy and won’t want anything to change.

Sorry OP but he doesn’t sound lovejy. He knows exactly what game he’s playing here

Hi, he’s a single dad and has the wee one all the time. Even when the mum is meant to have the wean, she cancels a lot as she’s not the best. So it’s not that he doesn’t see me when he can, in his defence lol. He also will have less money than me as his job isn’t the level of mines and he’ll have childcare etc. But no, he doesn’t really bring anything or make an effort that way which is why I’m kind of like, is this a sign? As I’m the type to go all in and cook nice big meals, buy expensive cakes and cookies as treats and while we always have a good time together I’m kind of like, am I being an idiot? 😕

He sounds like he's using you to be honest. He's probably still with his wife and this once a week treat for him is all paid for by you. No thanks!

I do think it’s a bit rubbish him not bringing anything at all, I do appreciate if he’s a single parent then money may be tight but surely he could stretch to even a £2 box of chocolates or a £5 bottle of Aldi wine/bunch of flowers to bring round when he knows you are paying for the meal, even just as a token gesture, I was always taught never to show up empty handed.

The only thing that would potentially make me feel a little differently about it is if he really is primary carer of his young child and works full time, has his own home, is that actually he really might not have the money. Nursery isn’t cheap for a 2 parent household nevermind a single parent household, plus the costs of running a house, paying for everything a toddler needs, he might just really not have the money and that’s different from having the money but being tight with it.

It depends how much you like him really. If I really liked him and his situation is as described above and he’s just under huge financial pressure then I wouldn’t be massively upset about this. But if he has the money and just chooses not to spend it then I couldn’t be arsed with this. Could you not go to his house so then he can do the meal?

I go to his house a lot as I didn’t want to introduce him to my teenager too early. He has never had a wife and the ex barely sees the child - drug addiction issues, they’ve been split for years so that isn’t the issue at all. He gets his meals made for him by his mum mainly during the week as she helps out with the wee one until he’s home from work, so I think a lot of it is just thoughtlessness tbh.

It’s the lack of effort that would bother me. Even if he’s pushed for cash he shouldn’t expect you to pay for his food every time.
And he doesn’t need to bring champagne and caviar - a bottle of Tesco wine and a box of chocolates would go a long way to looking like he’s making at least some effort.

Who pays for the food/snacks/meals at his house?

Waste of time. He is mean and unfair.

Don't date someone poorer than you. It is never usually a good idea.

So he’s freeloading off his mum 6 days a week and then gets a free dinner and a warm bed the 7th

Hes really got it made hasn’t he?

Sorry OP but what exactly are you getting from this man?

He's cooked once, every other time I’ve cooked at his, brought a pasta bake with me, or we’ve gone for dinner first. I think there was once he did pay for some chocolate from asda after we’d been for dinner but it’s usually me bringing everything. Maybe it’s me that’s the problem here 🤣

He sounds as tight as a duck's arse, just make sure he doesn't move in with you.

How old is the child if they've been split for years? If his mum is helping out and assuming you are in Scotland if he's a low earner and a single dad (UC most likely qualified plus would get Scottish child payment) from age 2 he'd get 22 hours free, from 3 it's funded early years so free regardless. With his mum helping how much childcare is he actually paying? Especially if mum is also feeding him.

Sounds like he either needs to really sort his finances out to provide better for his child and not be dating until that's stable or he's using you for a luxury night while he doesn't have his child.

Have you met his child? Or do you only see him the night child's mother or someone else has the child?

This guy is smart, he’s sorrounding himself with women that provide him with free labour, free meals and free sex. I want to be him.

Men in the UK are just mentally emasculated. Is feminism has a role to play with it all too, not sure anymore

yes and this normally should be the case if they are married and he provides the house and money for all expenses.

Jesus.

I initially had a bit of respect for the man raising a child by himself, but he's not is he?

He's got his mum on childcare, cooking and laundry no doubt, you for sex and a meal on the 7th day (whilst presumably his mum watches the child again?).

He's not really a single dad is he? He's a parent who lets his mum raise his child and manage his home and his gf taking care of him the only day that mummy-dearest is otherwise occupied 🙄

I bet he's lauded as a saint as well for "doing it all by himself" unlike every other female single parent who usually is doing it by themselves.

He suggested we have a steak dinner at the weekend and it was just up to me to provide it all, he doesn’t even think to bring round dessert or anything

Who decides that it's up to you to provide it?

You really need a conversation with this man. How can you be OK to get naked with someone but can't talk to them ?

If he suggests a steak dinner, why not ask him to get the ingredients. Or say you will get them if he pays you up front.

Lhr, you know, have a conversation about it. Ask him how he feels about how you are dividing costs between you and see what he says.

Not only he's not paying for all that free labour and free meals but he won't even bring her a bloody chocolate. This man is used to having mom providing him with free meals and free labour, cause that what "women do", in his mind what the OP does for him is to be expected cause he's been getting it from mom all his life. OP: getting in a relationship with this man is going to be like adopting another child.

I suggested we go out this week and he’s saying he can’t as he doesn’t have the money, so again it’s assumed I’ll be the one paying for food and cooking dinner.

But you need to say otherwise-stop any assumption or confusion. ‘Ah, right-shall I see you next week then if you’re skint this week?’ If he says, ‘oh no, I’ll still come to you’ you can say, ‘you do realise that the food I cook for us costs money that I’m paying for, don’t you?’

He suggested we have a steak dinner at the weekend and it was just up to me to provide it all, he doesn’t even think to bring round dessert or anything

Say something, though, don’t just cook the steak dinner! ‘That’s a bit out of my budget, to be honest, shall I get the stuff and split the cost or do you want to just come round after dinner?’

If he tries to say he wants to come to eat at yours but doesn’t want to pay anything, you need to say, ‘it feels like I’m always cooking and paying for food for both of us when you come here-I don’t really think this is fair’

You need to establish whether he is piss taking or just thoughtless and you can’t establish that by carrying on as you are and not saying anything.

Absolutely taking the piss!
There's no way I'd go.to someone's house for dinner and not bring wine and desert.
Why don't you ask him to bring the steak if he suggested it?
I think you need to dump him or tell him it's very unfair that you've to pay for everything and see how he reacts

"you want a steak this weekend? Me too, problem is I'm skint so lets do something: you go and buy the food, I cook and we split the cost, howboutthat?"

That would be the fair thing.