I’ve been with my husband for ten years. Married for five and we have two daughters (under ten). He was recently diagnosed with ADHD which goes some way to explaining the issues we’ve experienced in the past (pre-children) where he struggled with addiction (not to substances) and making reckless decisions as well as struggling to remember or to follow through with chores and responsibilities.
This really stepped up when we had our second child and over the years I genuinely thought maybe he just didn’t care about me. I took on most of the mental load and chores and although he kept saying he would do more, and genuinely seemed remorseful and upset, nothing changed. We’ve managed fine with me taking more of the organisational stuff and I love him very much so that was okay.
in the summer, I had an abortion. I got pregnant unplanned and we couldn’t keep the baby because it would have meant a huge disruption emotionally and physically (we don’t have the space) for my daughters, one of whom is also neurodiverse. It broke my heart because I always wanted three children and the timing meant I had to have the abortion during the anniversary of my mums death two years ago from cancer.
My husband didn’t cope well. He felt I blamed him (I probably did when I was deeply hurt) and he didn’t want to talk about it so we never sid. He called the baby a bunch of cells which make it easier for him but to me it wasn’t I know what those cells grow into and I grieved what my life could have looked like. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done.
Over the next few months I could feel him withdrawing from me. We stopped being intimate (we haven’t had sex in over four months), he stopped touching me and he didn’t want to spend time together. Meanwhile, he went out more often doing his hobbies and for more involved in his community groups. During this time he became very close to another woman and they were talking quite intimately about their lives. I felt deeply uncomfortable with this but didn’t have the words to express why because he kept telling me she was just a friend. She then moved her child into an activity our child does which means they saw each other more often but that was coincidental. I did eventually speak to
him about this after a friend of mine saw them together and let me know she felt it wasn’t all innocent. He was very angry initially and didn’t see the issue but then eventually became upset about the hurt her caused me.
In the meantime he withdrew emotionally completely. I can only describe it as my husband who I knew has gone. I see glimpses of him and he is still kind towards me but the playfulness and the intimacy and the fun has gone.
I have worked really hard to not get cross when he hasn’t done stuff and to be more understanding and I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t making a difference. I understand that due to his adhd, there are some imbalances in our marriage that will always be there and I thought about it a lot before deciding I could cope with that because I love him and he brings so much to my life that it is worth it.
He started therapy recently but if anything things have become more distant. I finally confronted him last night and after much taking he told me he thinks he wants to live alone, see the children half the week and not be together. He says he loves me but he doesn’t think our home is a safe place- his therapists words. He said that he messes up and it makes me unhappy and makes him feel terrible and so he’d rather be alone. He said he no longer trusts the things I say (I have talked about divorce previously when I was doing everything and asking for just some support with a few tasks and he couldn’t keep up.). He said he’s worried I’ll make life hard for him if he wants to leave. He said he’d come back to do the school run and things and so nothing would change. He said he feels he’s had an emotional affair with this woman and he can’t forgive himself. I have tried to get him to talk more about that because he told me they barely message but it doesn’t make sense.
The idea he’s painting of me is so upsetting. I have always tried to support him. Even when things have been touch it has been me reading every book, every podcast, buying chore games etc to try to make things better. I have supported him through family breakdowns, depression, redundancies etc. The things he’s saying about our marriage and about me I don’t recognise.
I am not perfect. I wish I’d know about his adhd earlier, so much could have been different, but the moment I knew I read books and tried to understand how to do things differently. But all of it is too late.
After the conversation, I tried to leave and he begged me not to. He wouldn’t let me go and he said his head is a mess and he doesn’t mean it but I can’t unhear it and I can’t I see the change in his behaviour towards me. I have told him I love him and if he needs to move out then I will support him. Inside I want to beg but I know that won’t help. But he keeps changing his mind. Basically, I need an outside perspective. I am so in this that I can’t see the wood for the trees. I have lost weight, I feel sick a lot of the time. I am devastated at what this will all mean. I’ll likely lose our home. I don’t know how we’ll find another flat where we live. And I love him. I’ve just taken on a new job and it has taken everything in me to get out of bed today and not cry in front of my girls. Please help.