50 years old male never had a relationship

[Lovelyaryan]

I'm a 45F single mum of 2 children and I started chatting with a 50M on tinder. He asked me to meet for a coffee and I said yes as I think we have things in common by our last conversations but he just told me he has never had a girlfriend. I wonder if this a red flag of him being abusive? He seems kind and by his pictures he looks good . I do not understand why he has been single for so long...Should I still meet him?

I have the feeling posters will say not to go ahead, but I'd give it a go and keep an open mind.

Why hasn't he had a girlfriend?

Was he doing a 25 stretch? Is he a former priest?

Why don't you ask him?

Unfortunately, abusive men are usually the charmers.

Maybe he's autistic, or anxious, or had health problems, or who knows what. Ask.

It’s a red flag for sure. And also Tinder has a rep for being a hook up app.

While he may not be abusive, he doesn’t have the interest, skills and/or competence to have a relationship.

Is that what you’re looking for? A relationship?

Be careful.

My first thought was he maybe ND. I don't think it's a red flag necessarily.

i was in this situation but he was in his 30s. He is a wonderful kind man and just very shy etc so I didn’t think it was a red flag. It ended because he didn’t really know how to open up and connect. I think he wasn’t used to intimacy and it never improved and I sort of felt like I was having to teach him to be a boyfriend. Which was frustrating for me. Essentially, I don’t think it means he is abusive but probably will take some work! Always good to go out there and meet people though

Go and meet the guy. Keep in a public area, test the water. Ask him stuf. Sure he will tell you. Have fun.

I.disagree that just because he hasn't had a girlfriend that it is a red flag. At 45 I had my first boyfriend. I am a normal woman. I simply had no interest, I was overweight- this held me back, but really I was not ready before this. Professional job, good life being single. . Go in with an.open mind. Better this than a string of unsuccessful relationships?

It’s unusual but less likely he’s abusive and more likely he’s shy, maybe neurodivergent.
And ofc it doesn’t mean he’s a virgin. But if you’re looking for a long term relationship it might be more of an adjustment for him, given you have children so assuming you have a more usual background.

I'd ask more questions to get to know him and give it time before developing any attachments.

Could be a whole load of reasons. Not wanted one before, caring for sick parents, demanding career, travelling a lot, just not met the right person...the list is endless.

I should add: I know two men in their 50s who have never been married or had long term relationships. One is autistic. The other is a huge commitment phobe. Both still swipe endlessly on the dating apps without getting therapy or support for their struggles.

My sons 25 years old and never had a girlfriend, but he's a kind loving boy.
He's also on the spectrum so finds it difficult with new people.
If you'd like to get to know this guy more then ask him why he's never had a girlfriend, he may have a valid reason.

I have female friends in similar situations and they’re just lovely. They just never met the one and didn’t like the online dating/night club/casual sex/hook-up scene so avoided that. Also they don’t have jobs where you meet lots of people. After the age of 40 it’s hard to meet other single people.

Does he want a girlfriend?
has he had lots of one night stands/casual relationships but never been in a committed relationship?
or is he very inexperienced/a virgin.

I’d have lots of questions but wouldn’t be put off going for coffee if I enjoyed chatting with him.

i wouldn’t give out own number/address/surname

I have two male friends in their late 40s - neither have ever had a serious relationship. One is incredibly shy and thinks (totally wrongly) that he has nothing going for him because he’s edging 50. The other has had a hugely intense career which has made it difficult for him to sustain a relationship. They are both lovely blokes, intelligent, thoughtful, well educated professionals. If you get on well with the guy I’d be tempted to at least meet for a coffee, maybe. What’s your gut instinct?

I'd go for coffee with him and see how you get on but I'd definitely want to know more about why he hasn't had a girlfriend.
Ask if his Mum is still alive, how old she is or if she has died, when did that happen. Sounds like a weird thing to ask.. but I know 4 men who never had girlfriends and suddenly got one in their late 40s/early 50s.

1. A relative whose mother died. 6 months later he was married.
2. A second relative whose mother died. 1 year later he was in a serious relationship with a woman from down the street.
3. A friend of mine who has been travelling the world and coming home to his mum every couple of years. His mum is well into her 80s and ailing. Guess what - he now has a girlfriend having never had one before.
4. An acquaintance from a hobby group who had been single all his life. Mother dies. He's 60 and lo and behold, a few months later a woman moves in.

All men who were living a merry bachelor lifestyle with their mums doing everything for them (2 of the above were living in their own homes, 2 with their mums). And then when Mum is sadly no longer there or may not be there much longer, they find a replacement.

So I'd be wary of that sort of thing to be honest.

But other reasons could be shyness, neurodiversity, lack of interest in relationships, travelling a lot, could be lots of things.
Someone mentioned could be a former priest - that's a possibility too.
I don't think it's a red flag that they are abusive.

If he hasn't had a girlfriend, who would he have been abusive to?

That interesting about whether he after a replacement for mom

It's unusual, but not necessarily bad. Some people are so happy on their own that they just don't have the drive to couple up. The thought of the dating scene puts them off. Some men who've worked in male dominated industries with unsociable hours end up in a single situation for a very long time. A typical one would be oil rigs or men who work in theatre tech. So many late nights and long hours.

I'd just consider what @wwjalme said. I knew a man who still lived with his mum in his mid-50s. He was betrayed by a woman in his life and never found the motivation to move on and out of his house after that. Hi mum sounded domineering to me. I wouldn't say men like that are all looking for a replacement - sometimes they just need to be freed from that presence in their life. Do bear it in mind though.

Abusive to who? He’s never had a girlfriend.

if the guy is “normal” he could just be one of those guys who’s constantly friend zoned and he’s taking the big step to try and put himself out there to date.

My brother never had a proper girlfriend until he was in his 40s. He had a "girlfriend" who stayed with her grandparents every summer in a house quite near us. Every summer he looked forward to her staying. They must have met when they were about 11 and she would join us to play on the estate.

Then one year she didn't come. They would have been 16. He plucked up the courage to go and see her grandparents and ask if she was coming to visit.

Shed had appendicitis, peritonitis had set in, and she'd died. That's why she hadn't come.

He was bereft. He found a good job and lost himself in it. Until her met his wife when he was mid 40s.

Don't know why that would make him abusive.
He was honest about it. That says something about him.
Also, people evolve with time. Maybe had crippling anxiety all his life and got over it.

This is far more common that people seem to think.

Sometimes it's prioritising career, travel, illness, looking after dependent or ill family members.

Other times it's shyness, lack of confidence, lack of opposite sex in social circles etc.

It's not necessarily a negative. Abusive is the last reason that I would think of.