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Original poster

50 years old male never had a relationship

79 replies

Lovelyaryan · 06/10/2024 19:28

I'm a 45F single mum of 2 children and I started chatting with a 50M on tinder. He asked me to meet for a coffee and I said yes as I think we have things in common by our last conversations but he just told me he has never had a girlfriend. I wonder if this a red flag of him being abusive? He seems kind and by his pictures he looks good . I do not understand why he has been single for so long...Should I still meet him?

OP posts:
ComingBackHome · 07/10/2024 11:25

Yep.
I second many PP, this guy is socially awkward. Maybe ASD.

I suspect you’ll find a nice guy that will drive potty pretty quickly.
(Not the least because at 50yo, he’ll have well established routines that work for him and will find it hard to adjust fur someone else).

Depending on what you are looking for, it might work.
eg living apart and no plan to ever move in with each other.

BobbyBiscuits · 07/10/2024 11:39

When he says that he could mean he hadn't had a serious LTR where he was in love. Not that he's never had flings or any kind of relationship with a woman necessarily.
Some people will find it hard to connect to people, and he may not be into casual sex, so there are plenty of reasons why he might not have had a 'girlfriend'. I'd give him a chance.
If he really gives off any bad vibes then you can just say goodbye.
I would find it somewhat unusual. I'd find it all the more unusual if he'd never had sex before. But I think you should see what he's like in person.

User135644 · 07/10/2024 12:32

Sounds like an incel from his reasoning

Original poster
Lovelyaryan · 07/10/2024 12:36

User135644 · 07/10/2024 12:32

Sounds like an incel from his reasoning

What's an incel? Thank you x

OP posts:
nfkl · 07/10/2024 12:38

Hyram · 06/10/2024 19:49

I should add: I know two men in their 50s who have never been married or had long term relationships. One is autistic. The other is a huge commitment phobe. Both still swipe endlessly on the dating apps without getting therapy or support for their struggles.

That!

Comedycook · 07/10/2024 12:42

User135644 · 07/10/2024 12:32

Sounds like an incel from his reasoning

Yes incels often like to say that their lack of success with women is because of their physical appearance and women's shallowness. It's more often their personality though.

Most women would choose a less attractive confident and charming man over a socially awkward, handsome man.

catlesslady · 07/10/2024 13:04

I have 2 older male relatives who have never had a proper girlfriend. One had a teenage sweetheart and writes off anyone he dates who he does not feel measures up to her. This includes expecting that anyone worthy of being his girlfriend should act as besotted as she did. The other tries to jump straight to moving in/marriage/lifepartners etc on the first date which so far has just scared any potential girlfriends off. Various friends and family members have tried to suggest that he takes things slowly but his view is that he's not got time to waste. It's very sad, as he is a lovely person but I can totally understand why it scares people off.

purpleandorangeroses · 07/10/2024 13:08

Does he mean that he hasn't had a long term relationship but has had flings or short term dating? Might just be down to that perhaps

MattDamon · 07/10/2024 13:12

I personally wouldn't waste my time.

User135644 · 07/10/2024 13:47

Lovelyaryan · 07/10/2024 12:36

What's an incel? Thank you x

Show quote history

Involuntary celibate. Blame their physical appearance or women's choices for their lack of relationships or sex with women

SS155 · 06/02/2025 13:21

wwjalme · 06/10/2024 20:48

I'd go for coffee with him and see how you get on but I'd definitely want to know more about why he hasn't had a girlfriend.
Ask if his Mum is still alive, how old she is or if she has died, when did that happen. Sounds like a weird thing to ask.. but I know 4 men who never had girlfriends and suddenly got one in their late 40s/early 50s.

  1. A relative whose mother died. 6 months later he was married.
  2. A second relative whose mother died. 1 year later he was in a serious relationship with a woman from down the street.
  3. A friend of mine who has been travelling the world and coming home to his mum every couple of years. His mum is well into her 80s and ailing. Guess what - he now has a girlfriend having never had one before.
  4. An acquaintance from a hobby group who had been single all his life. Mother dies. He's 60 and lo and behold, a few months later a woman moves in.
All men who were living a merry bachelor lifestyle with their mums doing everything for them (2 of the above were living in their own homes, 2 with their mums). And then when Mum is sadly no longer there or may not be there much longer, they find a replacement.

So I'd be wary of that sort of thing to be honest.

But other reasons could be shyness, neurodiversity, lack of interest in relationships, travelling a lot, could be lots of things.
Someone mentioned could be a former priest - that's a possibility too.
I don't think it's a red flag that they are abusive.

I don’t know if it’s ok to post as a guy but I thought I’d do so if ok to give my feedback.

I’m what I would consider an intelligent 50 year old man but I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve been on 3 dates over the last year and I think I’m getting reasonably close even though they haven’t developed into a relationship.

I told two of them of my situation but one I didn’t and tbh I don’t think I would again until it got to an advanced stage. One I think used it to not see me and another too and it makes me wonder if I should ever try.

I can totally get the thing with the relationships starting as the mother dies or is no longer on the the scene. My mum just got Parkinson’s disease and is less and less able to support me emotionally.

The reason for my lack of relationships is that I went to boarding school as a child and developed what is now called ‘boarding school syndrome’. The removal of parents at a young age sets up a child having to deal with bereavement but at the same time you are told the loss of parents at school is for your own good. It creates a double bind.

Essentially I protected myself against such loss and fear of rejection in adulthood by not having a relationship. This is a subconscious thing I’ve discovered in therapy but then it perpetuates by embarrassment which is incredibly hard to get over as you get older. The abandonment led to complex PTSD so there is a very strong fear response of rejection that I protect myself against. On YouTube there is a very good video called the making of them which explains the trauma kids go through, it’s cruel and nobody should send kids to boarding school.

The last date I went on recently I think I gave her too much attention and that’s why she didn’t want to see me as a friend too although I don’t know that as whilst I told her of my situation she wasn’t empathetic to talk to me about it before she cut ties, so she probably wasn’t an understanding person anyway and on reflection she was a bit self centred. This has been tough and actually, just experiencing the loss of not wanting to take it further, has made me feel suicidal. It’s incredibly frustrating because having told some people I know they don’t know what to say, but maybe I haven’t told the right people. A part of me thinks I should say so at the start and if they are not interested they probably are not for a GF for me.

So in summary, my experience dictates in answer to the original poster and others after, so long as someone could understand the reason I don’t think it should put you off at all. I’ve got so much bloody love to give the right person - a lifetime of love and lost love in fact.

MakingWavesNotDrowning · 06/02/2025 14:03

It depends.

Did he mean no girlfriend EVER?

Or not a serious relationship.

Someone in my family has not had a serious relationship ever. They (male) are now mid 50s. I can understand why as I think they are on the AS.
They had dates but it never developed into anything. Partly, IMO as I think they lack empathy and have very narrow interests .

I'd given him the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes.

To concur with a PP- the man who went to boarding school.
I dated one of those men who was very inexperienced with women.
We had a long relationship but it ended partly because of their upbringing.

BleepingBleepy · 06/02/2025 14:07

wwjalme · 06/10/2024 20:48

I'd go for coffee with him and see how you get on but I'd definitely want to know more about why he hasn't had a girlfriend.
Ask if his Mum is still alive, how old she is or if she has died, when did that happen. Sounds like a weird thing to ask.. but I know 4 men who never had girlfriends and suddenly got one in their late 40s/early 50s.

  1. A relative whose mother died. 6 months later he was married.
  2. A second relative whose mother died. 1 year later he was in a serious relationship with a woman from down the street.
  3. A friend of mine who has been travelling the world and coming home to his mum every couple of years. His mum is well into her 80s and ailing. Guess what - he now has a girlfriend having never had one before.
  4. An acquaintance from a hobby group who had been single all his life. Mother dies. He's 60 and lo and behold, a few months later a woman moves in.
All men who were living a merry bachelor lifestyle with their mums doing everything for them (2 of the above were living in their own homes, 2 with their mums). And then when Mum is sadly no longer there or may not be there much longer, they find a replacement.

So I'd be wary of that sort of thing to be honest.

But other reasons could be shyness, neurodiversity, lack of interest in relationships, travelling a lot, could be lots of things.
Someone mentioned could be a former priest - that's a possibility too.
I don't think it's a red flag that they are abusive.

This was my thought too. I'd be looking for an enmeshed relationship with his mother. Possibly his dad wasn't around or was useless, and he was expected to step in. Just go in with your eyes open.

SS155 · 06/02/2025 16:48

MakingWavesNotDrowning · 06/02/2025 14:03

It depends.

Did he mean no girlfriend EVER?

Or not a serious relationship.

Someone in my family has not had a serious relationship ever. They (male) are now mid 50s. I can understand why as I think they are on the AS.
They had dates but it never developed into anything. Partly, IMO as I think they lack empathy and have very narrow interests .

I'd given him the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes.

To concur with a PP- the man who went to boarding school.
I dated one of those men who was very inexperienced with women.
We had a long relationship but it ended partly because of their upbringing.

Edited

No girlfriend ever……. I think there isn’t a one fits all to everyone’s circumstances. Some people might think some people who haven’t had relationships are deficient but everyone is living an existential crisis - as that’s what human existence is about. So they may be deficient in other areas equally, which isn’t being critical but just how we are. And not having a relationship is not a measure of success for the right person. For example boarding school teaches resilience and I’ve got that in spades but other people may not have that at all - and that’s obviously useful in relationships.

if anything for me I come at it with no baggage - none of the texting to advise feelings, ghosting and all this stuff in modern dating. It’s also quite revealing to see how peoples behaviour changes in a negative way in dating (and not keeping friends after) if it’s unsuccessful ie when it differs between friend relationships and dating ones. I went on one dating forum and was amazed that many girls ghost the guys as friends if they don’t find a relationship with them, rather than keep them as friends if possible, and equally the other way around.

A relationship is gonna succeed or fail based off of both parties, which is pretty obvious regardless of experience, and in general terms (not referring to specific circumstances) it’s in no way possible to lump failure of relationships based on experience and of course there’ll be a learning curve but if relationships keep failing for experienced people then that’s gonna be a question of how competent the people are to want to make it work and again I don’t think experience necessarily predicates that. What I do know is that for the right person I’m going to be very caring indeed and I’ll have loads of love to give.

NattyQuail · 06/02/2025 17:00

Run. For. Hills!

At best he will be a dismissive avoidant, autistic or both.

My last 'relationship' was with someone like this. We'd been friends first though for 3 years, that's why I gave it a chance. Wish I hadn't now.

NattyQuail · 06/02/2025 17:05

wwjalme · 06/10/2024 20:48

I'd go for coffee with him and see how you get on but I'd definitely want to know more about why he hasn't had a girlfriend.
Ask if his Mum is still alive, how old she is or if she has died, when did that happen. Sounds like a weird thing to ask.. but I know 4 men who never had girlfriends and suddenly got one in their late 40s/early 50s.

  1. A relative whose mother died. 6 months later he was married.
  2. A second relative whose mother died. 1 year later he was in a serious relationship with a woman from down the street.
  3. A friend of mine who has been travelling the world and coming home to his mum every couple of years. His mum is well into her 80s and ailing. Guess what - he now has a girlfriend having never had one before.
  4. An acquaintance from a hobby group who had been single all his life. Mother dies. He's 60 and lo and behold, a few months later a woman moves in.
All men who were living a merry bachelor lifestyle with their mums doing everything for them (2 of the above were living in their own homes, 2 with their mums). And then when Mum is sadly no longer there or may not be there much longer, they find a replacement.

So I'd be wary of that sort of thing to be honest.

But other reasons could be shyness, neurodiversity, lack of interest in relationships, travelling a lot, could be lots of things.
Someone mentioned could be a former priest - that's a possibility too.
I don't think it's a red flag that they are abusive.

Mine lives with his mum, too.

Just mummy's boys.

NattyQuail · 06/02/2025 17:12

wwjalme · 07/10/2024 10:41

Nah, that's a weird answer. I'd be very wary of him now he's said that.
It's complete nonsense. I know absolutely loads of men who are bald and have women flocking round them. Several women I know find bald men very hot.

There's some other reason for it.

Show quote history

And mine was bald as well!!!

As others say, be wary, even more so now he's told you this as this is a complete lie.

joysexreno · 06/02/2025 17:22

I would be wary, but might be worth going on another date or two if you really click.

My amazing 40+ yo bf had three extremely short relationships before me - honestly, they were so non-serious that I barely think they count.

As far as I can tell, they all treated him badly and this is why the relationships didn't last. I think that he got into these situations due to low self esteem, some serious trauma in his background, and being extreme agreeable.

Anyway, I was a bit wary based on that fact, but kept seeing him because still had a good feeling about him overall. He really couldn't be a better life partner and I am glad that I didn't give up on him too quickly!

User364837 · 06/02/2025 18:00

I wouldn't have assumed abusive, but I would question his interpersonal and communication skills, and what the reasons are.
Also does that mean he's a virgin? Not sure I'd want someone that inexperienced tbh.

monsterfish · 06/02/2025 18:09

There could be all sorts of reasons but when dating in 40’s & 50’s there will be all sorts of reasons to walk away. No one arrives in a perfect all in one package. Either divorced, separated, bit damaged or like this guy still finding his feet.

But he was on OLD so trying to get out there, seems like a decent human being, why not give it a try?

Newbutoldfather · 06/02/2025 18:20

People have proposed loads of possible reasons, but you won’t know unless you meet him. Maybe he has just been unlucky! Out of millions of people, some will just have been ‘unlucky in love’.

But, unless you are super busy and hate dating per se, go on a short date, meet and chat with him and draw your own conclusions.

robman78 · 21/07/2025 03:32

A lot of assumptions are being made, as is in most cases on any forum or website decrying that a middle-aged man who's never had a relationship is somehow broken, or that there's something wrong with him. That may be true in some cases, but no one knows the real story until they actually ask the person.

I'm a middle-aged man in my mid-to-late 40's, and I've never had a girlfriend, but not for a lack of trying. Some of us just don't have whatever "it" is that women find attractive in a man. I'm somewhat of a below average looking bloke, losing my hair, and I could stand to lose some weight. I always wanted to have a serious long-term relationship that would eventually lead to marriage, but have always been put in the so-called "friend zone," as I seem to be best suited as a platonic friend than a romantic partner.

I have a full time job, I'm organized and responsible, I take care of my hygiene on a regular basis, I don't play video games, do drugs or smoke, maybe have a drink once a week, no tattoos, and live a fairly regular normal life. I don't think I'm boring by any means, and have a wide variety of interests in hobbies, and I'm also not one of those types of men who these days seems to be sucked into internet conspiracy theories, politics and other nonsense that's simply a waste of time. I think I have enough going for me and I'm stable enough to have a girlfriend... but here I am, and I've been single all my life, never even been on a date.

Like I stated earlier, it's not for lack of trying, but I wasn't exactly a popular kid in my school years, which made me an easy target for the girls especially to use that against me. So when any interest I had in a girl at that age, they knew how to make it hurt hard when the rejection happened. I thought that kind of thing would change in my 20's, but I was ignored and invisible to women, and was met with kinder rejection, but rejection nonetheless.

Rejection is a key part of life in general, but if all a person experiences is negative feedback to romantic endeavours, it can take quite a toll on one's mental and emotional mindset, where you start believe that you're simply unworthy and just flat out too awful of a human being to be loved by anyone else but your parents.

Now in the age of online dating, I think there's still a lot of disillusion among women that men have it easy, where in fact it seems to be the opposite, especially if you're just an average guy. I tried online dating for several years, but like what seems to be the majority of men these days, zero interest from the opposite sex.

There simply comes a point where a man just stops trying, because if you don't have the characteristics and qualities women are supposedly looking for in a mate, why waste your time? I stopped trying when I hit 40, and I've seen no difference in how women interact with me. So the idea of trying too hard vs. not trying at all is in my opinion a myth, and it doesn't matter if you work at it or the age old "if you stop looking, it'll happen" idea.

Ultimately what my ramblings come down to, is that some guys just have crap luck when it comes to pursuing love and relationships. I know that might be hard to believe for most folks, but there is a perception that there's someone for everyone, which I think isn't necessarily true, and can only make ones life worse if they follow that advice. Some people will never find someone else, no matter if they try or not, and for those who've gone decades without any sort of romantic companionship shouldn't be chastised for being a "red flag" simply because they just don't have the "it" factor in what attracts people to one another.

Candy24 · 21/07/2025 03:37

bad joke but has he had a boyfriend.....Give me a go if anythign it is a good stroy to tell in years to come

FunMum2019 · 21/07/2025 03:40

Wait, did he go bald at 15?

Plantatreetoday · 21/07/2025 03:42

Ribenaberry12 · 06/10/2024 20:19

I have two male friends in their late 40s - neither have ever had a serious relationship. One is incredibly shy and thinks (totally wrongly) that he has nothing going for him because he’s edging 50. The other has had a hugely intense career which has made it difficult for him to sustain a relationship. They are both lovely blokes, intelligent, thoughtful, well educated professionals. If you get on well with the guy I’d be tempted to at least meet for a coffee, maybe. What’s your gut instinct?

Exactly. I have quite a few male friends ( male dominated job) who haven’t had relationships. Most mainly due to being shy and being in a the same male dominated job so it’s not like they get to meet and st least talk to many women through work.

Occasionally because of career but generally they have had short term relationships.

I wouldn’t be put off OP.
Online dating has made it easier for shy people to get to know others.

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