How to get over being used and ghosted?

[Hyram]

I’m a very cautious person when it comes to online dating and I date with intention. I’m not into ONS or situationships. I make this clear with guys I date that I am looking to date with a view to get into a relationship with the right man. I’m fun and like to enjoy dates getting to know people. Anyway, it seems I’ve been used for sex and ghosted by a man I was getting to know. He’s ghosted me twice. The first time I gave him the benefit of doubt as he had something catastrophic happened in his life. Perhaps I was too kind as nobody is ever too busy to send a quick message. Now it’s happened a second time. I’m deeply hurt and upset by it. Sure we weren’t exclusive or anything but to just disappear on someone like that, after I gave him lots of support, is quite deeply disgusting in my view. I’ve tried to get over it, but it’s really making me feel angry and cross and awful that someone could treat me like this way. I know many people hate confrontation but surely if you lack these basic skills, you shouldn’t be dating. If he didn’t want to see me again, why not say? I’m a very understanding person who doesn’t mind rejection. I take it in my stride. But ghosting? That’s real low life behaviour. And part of me wonders if it’s being done on purpose. He always said I was too good for him.

I don’t know how to shake these horrible feelings I have. I’ve tried telling myself he’s not someone I want - and I do believe it. I try telling myself this is part of dating. But it’s still making me feel angry and sad. Any advice?

might just flip your perspective bc you’re sitting in feelings that are probably not entirely about him but what you have experienced in relationships of all sorts up until now.

dont think so? I think it’s ok to feel hurt and used by someone who has used and ghosted you

you’d have to be a robot not to feel shit about it

Very helpful
thank you

Yes, i did say that earlier. But you asked how you could feel better. Feel your feelings sure, but if you want to feel better, trying to flip your perspective will help you make sense of what happened and put it behind you instead of focusing on the nice bits and the idea of him in your head - which is what we all do at the start of a relationship because you can't really know someone, only what they show you.

It is fucking rude and immature. I'm not sure what you can do to make yourself feel better other than ride it out and remind yourself he is a dickhead and you are too good for him.
I wouldn't block as I childishly like the last word and I think at some point he will be back again with some other excuse - and then I would say fuck off you rude cock and then block him

You feel bad because you have invested more into this than him. Don't ever do that.
To make you feel better- look at it as a lucky escape- he showed to you who he is. Thank you, next!

I'll never forget the first time this happened to me, we had been together for 6wks and it was the last thing I was expecting. It really hurt.
On reflection working through the pain was a good thing and I learnt a lot from it. I ended up walking past him one day and we didn't even acknowledge each other.
It's not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of him. It's good you found out how he deals with stuff like this now rather than further down the line.

Also, thinking about this a lot overnight. Not sure how good it is to be overly "supportive" when you're getting to know someone I think. As in don't be an arsehole, but if you're supporting someone to the extent you indicate you were it does show that neither of you have great boundaries. And that the beginning is meant to be fun and sexy and flirty. And trauma dumping isn't really and perhaps he got a bit vulnerable and also mummy (or daddy) vibes in being the supporter really really aren't the way to start any kind of relationship casual or otherwise. I say this looking at myself having done it numerous times and now learnt my lesson!!!!!

I wouldn’t change how I behaved looking back

My behaviour didn’t lead him to ghost me

Hence why I asked for advice on how to manage how his ghosting has made me feel, rather than what I would have changed

Thank you for taking the time to post

Allow yourself to be angry; get it all out on paper (or in a voice recording or on an easel or on a computer screen - whatever works) so it's not thundering around in your mind and confusing you. Do this as often as you need to, but also get out and take your mind off him with friends, work, hobbies, exercise etc.

I am going through this right now and feel your pain completely. We had been friends for about 18 months or so, at various intervals when I knew he was unavailable (initially he never told me) I pushed back and pushed back. He knew I liked him after a while I reckon and that I was trying to tow a line, in hindsight I knew I should have completely stepped away sooner, but I really enjoying just hanging out and doing stuff with him and also thought to myself we're just friends its no big deal. In the last number of month it became obvious we weren't just friends and the last few times during the summer I would message having seen him (and doing a friend type activity together) and tell him that really it wasn't appropriate and then he would give it time and reach out again. The last time I saw him, he suddenly went all out, it was totally inappropriate romantic date like thing and he kissed me. This time (2 months ago) I decided not the write my usual this isn't a good idea (clearly my boundaries weakened) and he waited for me to text on whatsapp I could see. I held off and then suddenly he either deleted my number or blocked me without so much as a goodbye, having pursued me for well over a year. I am truly gutted, I thought we genuinely cared for eachother. I am still as gutted as I was a month ago and really struggling to figure out how to get over it.

I did hear one piece of advice (which I am clearly not following now and need to be more disciplined, I am trying) is don't give him any airtime (in your head or with friends or here) after you have processed it to the extent you can without closure. I agree with one poster it is truly avoidant (and yes ultimately dodged a bullet) but that is the reason. It isn't a case of someone treating you badly it is a case of someone being truly avoidant and ashamed. I really do believe that but annoyingly it doesn't seem to make the deep hurt any less.

A good thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5007789-tips-for-getting-over-being-ghosted

With the greatest of respect you are asking for help in getting over being ghosted but refuse to look at your part in why you might be feeling so awful in a situationship where you freely admit there was no exclusivity or any sort of commitment. You were both free to do as you pleased. The reason you state that you're so upset is because you supported him. Yet you'd only had minimal contact sexually. That's not a reason for him to behave well. You didn't know him. You arguably tried to create intimacy by being supportive but that's not a good thing so early on. You expected more as a result. But that's on you. Don't give unless you know it's going to be deserved and reciprocated next time. I think your inability to to see this as anything to do with you is your issue here. Clearly he has a big communication problem but there were flags before that point and the learning curve from this is to not engage sexually or otherwise until you feel that you have a secure and reciprocal connection.
And you didn't.

very wise words @absolutelyhadenough

This is perhaps the most unhelpful post but thank you for your comment anyway

Thank you - I will take a read

I’m glad you agree and you found that comment helpful

Sorry you are going thro the same - it’s really awful isn’t it
all your suggestions are great, thank you for sharing x

Well Op that's your choice to see it as unhelpful. Or you could turn the focus back on you and say yeah he was a dick and it hurt me, but how can I look at my choices and identify the point where i can make different decisions next time? You're stuck in the visceral hurt and that won't help you. Go to the gym and take up basketball for all I care, but trust me if you don't look at your own behaviour it will follow you into the next relationship and more.

To be fair, from the blokes POV, you could just as easily have been seeing other people at this point

I don't mean to intrude here but just curious. Is it not that your investment (and mine in my case) and your expectation of someone being reciprocal to the degree you would be the nub of the problem, as they say we cannot control others.

My expectations were my expectations (which with the sort of people I mix with seem reasonable), and my level of investment again was my level of investment (sorry to repeat but yes on par with the level of investment I make in relationships around me). This person was new however, and it was my assumption that he would approach a relationship in the same fashion. However he was new and therefore an unknown and as @absolutelyhadenough says hasn't proven themselves, so its really wing and prayer stuff.

I found her comment helpful because it does cause me to reflect on my contribution to the outcome. I placed too much trust in someone that had not proved themselves. Sure it is shitty to realise there are people who operate differently and certainly in my case after such a long time, I did think we were pretty solid friends, he knew people around me, had met my kids by accident somewhere, so I was a real person. Its the lack of empathy that is so hard. However I assumed he would treat people the same as I would. And what got me hurt is that I was wrong.

We can agree to disagree but thanks

I had a “you are like family” friend do this to me at a time when I was very low. I got the feeling I had upset and angered her in some way (and sometimes I can be socially clumsy) but she had obviously decided not to call me out on whatever I did. Although I knew she had mental health struggles going on it still hurt. I went to her house with flowers a few times, sent her messages etc all of which were ignored. So I just decided to accept her decision as being best for her and move on.

It took a few months for the hurt to subside but I soon picked myself up. I very occasionally see her around as we live in the same area. I can smile briefly and say hello and quickly move on. I never blocked her and would still come to help her out if she had an emergency, but would not rely on her as a friend again. I need friends who can call me out if I upset them and be direct with me, not those who silently seethe. So looking back, we were not a good friendship match.

So giving it time does help a lot.

@pubertyalloveragain unfortunately I think until you've had this experience time and again and the sheer horror of the impact of your inability to set clear and definite boundaries, then you're going to see this as a victim. Which is not to say he wasn't a wrong'un but we have a responsibility to set boundaries and expectations in what and who and how we want in our lives. I have lived the pain of this for two decades. Marriage, separation, dating. I have regressed to the person I was prior to all of this and had to grow up and learn that at least 50% of the pain was down to me.

Once is plenty for me!

I’ve never had this in my 30 years of dating but thanks again