Page 3 | How to get over being used and ghosted?

Hyram · 2024-10-06T13:49:56+00:00

I’m a very cautious person when it comes to online dating and I date with intention. I’m not into ONS or situationships. I make this clear with guys I date that I am looking to date with a view to get into a relationship with the right man. I’m fun and like to enjoy dates getting to know people. Anyway, it seems I’ve been used for sex and ghosted by a man I was getting to know. He’s ghosted me twice. The first time I gave him the benefit of doubt as he had something catastrophic happened in his life. Perhaps I was too kind as nobody is ever too busy to send a quick message. Now it’s happened a second time. I’m deeply hurt and upset by it. Sure we weren’t exclusive or anything but to just disappear on someone like that, after I gave him lots of support, is quite deeply disgusting in my view. I’ve tried to get over it, but it’s really making me feel angry and cross and awful that someone could treat me like this way. I know many people hate confrontation but surely if you lack these basic skills, you shouldn’t be dating. If he didn’t want to see me again, why not say? I’m a very understanding person who doesn’t mind rejection. I take it in my stride. But ghosting? That’s real low life behaviour. And part of me wonders if it’s being done on purpose. He always said I was too good for him. I don’t know how to shake these horrible feelings I have. I’ve tried telling myself he’s not someone I want - and I do believe it. I try telling myself this is part of dating. But it’s still making me feel angry and sad. Any advice?

Original poster

Hyram · 07/10/2024 22:22

WalkingaroundJardine · 07/10/2024 21:52

I had a “you are like family” friend do this to me at a time when I was very low. I got the feeling I had upset and angered her in some way (and sometimes I can be socially clumsy) but she had obviously decided not to call me out on whatever I did. Although I knew she had mental health struggles going on it still hurt. I went to her house with flowers a few times, sent her messages etc all of which were ignored. So I just decided to accept her decision as being best for her and move on.

It took a few months for the hurt to subside but I soon picked myself up. I very occasionally see her around as we live in the same area. I can smile briefly and say hello and quickly move on. I never blocked her and would still come to help her out if she had an emergency, but would not rely on her as a friend again. I need friends who can call me out if I upset them and be direct with me, not those who silently seethe. So looking back, we were not a good friendship match.

So giving it time does help a lot.

How horrible
It would hurt even more if a close friend did this
Agree time is the greatest healer
thank you

OP posts:

pubertyalloveragain · 07/10/2024 22:23

Hyram · 07/10/2024 22:21

I’ve never had this in my 30 years of dating but thanks again

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It is a first for me too, at the worst possible time in my life. It sucks.

absolutelyhadenough · 07/10/2024 22:25

Well if you’ve been dating for 30 years you probably should take some time for introspection if this one encounter has hit you so hard. You want advice but you’re not willing to take it. Sorry but you’re not some teenager by the sounds of it…

Bewareofthisonetoo · 07/10/2024 22:28

I had this and gave him the benefit of the doubt and he did it again. After the second time he did of course try to gone back as they do, but hard as it was I resisted. But it was was do hard. Horrible time. It took me a year to get over a 20 month relationship. But I am now over it. Not contacting is key. He tried to reach out to me with reminiscences to f fun times we had shared (not sexual - fun activities with shared interests). Like a recovering alcoholic I know that one ‘drink’ could set me back do I avoid places I might see him and have developed new interests and made new friends.
wishing you lots of luck -you can get through it!!!!!

Original poster

Hyram · 07/10/2024 22:28

absolutelyhadenough · 07/10/2024 22:25

Well if you’ve been dating for 30 years you probably should take some time for introspection if this one encounter has hit you so hard. You want advice but you’re not willing to take it. Sorry but you’re not some teenager by the sounds of it…

In my first post, I specified the advice I was looking for and you’ve ignored it time and time again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hyram · 07/10/2024 22:29

Bewareofthisonetoo · 07/10/2024 22:28

I had this and gave him the benefit of the doubt and he did it again. After the second time he did of course try to gone back as they do, but hard as it was I resisted. But it was was do hard. Horrible time. It took me a year to get over a 20 month relationship. But I am now over it. Not contacting is key. He tried to reach out to me with reminiscences to f fun times we had shared (not sexual - fun activities with shared interests). Like a recovering alcoholic I know that one ‘drink’ could set me back do I avoid places I might see him and have developed new interests and made new friends.
wishing you lots of luck -you can get through it!!!!!

Sorry this happened to you in such a brutal way and thanks for sharing
I’m sure I’ll get over this idiot too eventually
Such a shame people are behaving like this

OP posts:

Original poster

Hyram · 07/10/2024 22:30

pubertyalloveragain · 07/10/2024 22:23

It is a first for me too, at the worst possible time in my life. It sucks.

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Yes it’s horrid - but time will help x

OP posts:

absolutelyhadenough · 07/10/2024 22:35

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Donotgogentle · 07/10/2024 22:39

absolutelyhadenough · 07/10/2024 21:19

With the greatest of respect you are asking for help in getting over being ghosted but refuse to look at your part in why you might be feeling so awful in a situationship where you freely admit there was no exclusivity or any sort of commitment. You were both free to do as you pleased. The reason you state that you're so upset is because you supported him. Yet you'd only had minimal contact sexually. That's not a reason for him to behave well. You didn't know him. You arguably tried to create intimacy by being supportive but that's not a good thing so early on. You expected more as a result. But that's on you. Don't give unless you know it's going to be deserved and reciprocated next time. I think your inability to to see this as anything to do with you is your issue here. Clearly he has a big communication problem but there were flags before that point and the learning curve from this is to not engage sexually or otherwise until you feel that you have a secure and reciprocal connection.
And you didn't.

This is a really thoughtful post.

pubertyalloveragain · 07/10/2024 23:10

OP - I think the overriding message from everyone and in the context of your original post and what you are seeking, how to help yourself feel better is.....

Self reflection (and understanding our contribution to the dynamic) is ultimately empowering and is in fact the only way to get past and process the ghosting.

All the while being compassionate with yourself as yes he was unkind. But how in the future can you minimise the possibility of a relatively unknown (and uncommitted) person being unkind to you, and accessing the part of you that is hurting so much now.

Our level of emotional investment should be earned and our expectations of people not known to us should be tempered and not assumed to be at our level of kindness or our willingness to be open, direct or honest etc.

Acornsoup · 07/10/2024 23:51

What a horrible man. I think the thing is he isn't dating OP. He's looking around for sex. I know you have been clear on what you want but I don't think this is a problem with you. Best to look around for someone else

Acornsoup · 07/10/2024 23:52

And if they have an are we dating the same guy on your local Facebook maybe add him to the list :(

HappyToSmile · 08/10/2024 00:17

People are horrible. Yes, he acted badly/cowardly, but try not to dwell on it.
Just be prepared for when he pops up and says "hi" in a few weeks.

kkloo · 08/10/2024 00:31

Healingsfall · 06/10/2024 20:23

I disagree with blocking. Delete his number yes, but (if on WhatsApp) if he sends you a message, you can read it if you want and he'll see you have, then ignore. Only block if he messages persistent messages or abuse.

Show these arsehole men that you've seen the message but choosing to ignore them because you're no longer interested, which is quite a powerful message to send. Blocking straight away just gives them incentive to think "ah she's just blocked me, I made the right choice to ghost that weirdo so she's not worth it." It's a weird psychology but seems to be true

Disagree with this.
Women should handle this situation whatever way suits them, and not worry about what the man will think or if they will think she's 'crazy' or not.
Men call women crazy for nothing and women are actually making this worse by living in fear of it and always trying to make sure they don't give the man any ammunition. It's feeding the whole narrative.

Why would or should any woman care if a pathetic man like that thought that she was a weirdo to block him? He's the weirdo

And he's just as likely to tell himself that she's a weirdo if she doesn't block him because men like that will paint women as weirdos/psychos/crazy no matter what they do. Women need to stop caring about that stuff especially seeing as 99% of the stuff that gets labelled as crazy isn't in any way crazy.

QueenMegan · 08/10/2024 00:47

absolutelyhadenough makes some very insightful comments i think when it happened to me. He too trauma dumped and told me the most heart wrenching story. I totally fell for it and him but not in a healthy way.

He ghosted me so I blocked him and he managed to get back in touch telling me he felt he wasn't good enough so more manipulative techniques. I told him to go away and leave me alone.
I was upset because he lied and used a horrible story to manipulate me.

Op set your boundaries do not be their therapist.

MidnightMeltdown · 08/10/2024 01:15

Unfortunately this is something that many women have experienced at some point in their life, and I think it's particularly prevalent in the age of casual sex and internet dating. It's far too easy for men to do this and then just vanish. They don't have to see you again, or face up to the guilt, or any consequences. You can only learn from it, and be a lot more cautious next time.

Eijnir · 08/10/2024 03:35

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WomenInConstruction · 08/10/2024 10:25

BeachHutsAndDeckchairs · 07/10/2024 17:40

Allow yourself to be angry; get it all out on paper (or in a voice recording or on an easel or on a computer screen - whatever works) so it's not thundering around in your mind and confusing you. Do this as often as you need to, but also get out and take your mind off him with friends, work, hobbies, exercise etc.

Good advice.
Love the 'thundering around in your mind' ... Poetically accurate. 😁

Original poster

Hyram · 08/10/2024 12:38

Acornsoup · 07/10/2024 23:51

What a horrible man. I think the thing is he isn't dating OP. He's looking around for sex. I know you have been clear on what you want but I don't think this is a problem with you. Best to look around for someone else

Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Hyram · 08/10/2024 12:39

MidnightMeltdown · 08/10/2024 01:15

Unfortunately this is something that many women have experienced at some point in their life, and I think it's particularly prevalent in the age of casual sex and internet dating. It's far too easy for men to do this and then just vanish. They don't have to see you again, or face up to the guilt, or any consequences. You can only learn from it, and be a lot more cautious next time.

Thank you. It’s a shame but yes I need to be even more cautious than before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hyram · 08/10/2024 12:40

QueenMegan · 08/10/2024 00:47

absolutelyhadenough makes some very insightful comments i think when it happened to me. He too trauma dumped and told me the most heart wrenching story. I totally fell for it and him but not in a healthy way.

He ghosted me so I blocked him and he managed to get back in touch telling me he felt he wasn't good enough so more manipulative techniques. I told him to go away and leave me alone.
I was upset because he lied and used a horrible story to manipulate me.

Op set your boundaries do not be their therapist.

Yes sounds similiar to what happened to me

I don’t have a problem with boundaries - this guy just manipulated

OP posts:

Original poster

Hyram · 08/10/2024 12:42

pubertyalloveragain · 07/10/2024 23:10

OP - I think the overriding message from everyone and in the context of your original post and what you are seeking, how to help yourself feel better is.....

Self reflection (and understanding our contribution to the dynamic) is ultimately empowering and is in fact the only way to get past and process the ghosting.

All the while being compassionate with yourself as yes he was unkind. But how in the future can you minimise the possibility of a relatively unknown (and uncommitted) person being unkind to you, and accessing the part of you that is hurting so much now.

Our level of emotional investment should be earned and our expectations of people not known to us should be tempered and not assumed to be at our level of kindness or our willingness to be open, direct or honest etc.

Edited

The point is I’ve been doing this a long time, it’s the first time it happened to me and there isn’t a way I could have prevented this

I do a heck of a lot of reflection and self improvement and date very carefully so that’s why I asked for advice specifically on how to handle my feelings now rather than mull over what happened because I’ve done that and I wouldn’t change my behaviour

some men are gross and will behave this way regardless - and this is what this guy did

OP posts:

pubertyalloveragain · 08/10/2024 12:55

Hyram · 08/10/2024 12:42

The point is I’ve been doing this a long time, it’s the first time it happened to me and there isn’t a way I could have prevented this

I do a heck of a lot of reflection and self improvement and date very carefully so that’s why I asked for advice specifically on how to handle my feelings now rather than mull over what happened because I’ve done that and I wouldn’t change my behaviour

some men are gross and will behave this way regardless - and this is what this guy did

Show quote history

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been completely disarmed by my situation which has a lot of similarities.

That's is though, some men are gross and manipulative (basically pathetic) and we have both been very unlucky, lucky for us its only the first time now.