Tips for getting over being ghosted

[Springingintolife]

Just that really. Especially if you felt you were becoming close to the person who ghosted you. The only tip which wouldn't apply here would be to speak to other guys, as we didn't meet on OLD and I don't use OLD. I wasn't actually looking for anything or anyone when we connected. Nothing against OLD, just has never been for me really.

So far I've tried journalling, decluttering and keeping my mind occupied.

I want to get to the point where I don't even give the guy a second thought.

What is it about the ghosting that’s bothering you? Ignoring someone rather than offering proper closure is - to me - selfish and hurtful. Is it more than that? Have his actions changed your self-perception in any way? Are you grieving his loss from your life? Or what might have been?

Look at it as fate has removed someone from your life who obviously didn’t appreciate you as they should, and that’s a real blessing.

They are showing their true colours. Dodged a bullet IMO

Tell yourself that you’ve had a lucky escape from someone rude immature and too cowardly to have an adult conversation. Why would you want someone like that in your life?

I haven't left the thread, have had to pop out. Giving this some thought and will come back later to reply.

If he’s capable of doing that to you then he is most likely a cold person. You don’t deserve a cold person and he doesn’t deserve you. You will meet someone who is kind and forget all about the b*stard, just give it time ❤️

@noooooooo I guess in this situation it's a mixture of loneliness and feeling unwanted. I've been made to feel unwanted by my family my entire life and found out the people I thought were my friends, weren't really my friends once I became a single mum and couldn't go and meet them wherever they wanted to meet, or where they lived. So I'm home alone all evening every day, with only the walls for company- friends/family too busy for phone calls and texting, they never want to pop round either. This person comes along and seems like they want a proper friendship at the minimum, and seem quite committed and attentive, and then bam, they're breadcrumbing then the complete ghost. It enhances that feeling for me, of not being good enough for other people. I know it's something I have to work on internally, hence posting on here, to try and find perspective. I'm just not sure how to.

There's been another ghoster a couple of years ago and that also really affected my self esteem and still does to this day. I don't know why that did more than anything- maybe because he made it seem like I was really special to him and I knew him in real life for quite a while, before we got close then he ghosted completely. He even came back a decade later, asked me for some explanations of a few things which had happened in the beginning, got close again, then ghosted me again. This latest one is bringing all those feelings back again.

I always find it's the most attentive ones who ghost- the ones who chase the most and try really persistently to get your guard down. Once they do, they're off.

I guess I also feel raw at having let my guard down and having those rejection wounds from my family and old friends poked at.

Thank you <3

I do feel that ghosting can be particularly painful if your self esteem is already low. I've been there op and it's still a work in progress for me. For me focusing on building my self esteem has helped the most cos then I am less reliant on others for validation.

Find and do things that bring you joy, treat yourself, have therapy, work on building connections with others, write a list of things about yourself that you like or are proud of and read it often, practice daily affirmations, journal, start a new hobby, exercise, eat well, drink enough water, listen to your favourite music, challenge that cynical voice in your head that tells you you aren't good enough, talk to yourself positively, but also let yourself feel your emotions and don't beat yourself up about them. And anything else that works for you.

It sounds so cheesy but learn to accept and love yourself. Little steps. It takes time and a lot of it can feel silly at first but it can really change how you feel. And it's important cos you deserve to be treated well, so set an example by treating yourself well to start with.

If you really want to get into the bones of it, reflect on your past relationships and family history, have therapy and work through past wounds. It's hard but it brings self acceptance and a deeper understanding of yourself. It can also help you stop seeking out and repeating unhealthy patterns in relationships because either they feel familiar or subconsciously you're trying to heal a past wound. When you have the power to love and soothe yourself you are not reliant on others for that.

Ghosters are generally emotionally unavailable cowards or bad communicators. You don't want someone like that in your life, you are worth more. If you build yourself up from within, step by step, trying out what works for you, you will be in a better position in the future to recognise and avoid it and also will start finding it less attractive and appealing because you know you deserve better. If you can learn to 'feed' yourself, you won't be so hungry that you find breadcrumbs from others very appetising.

It's hard, but I get it and I wish you the very best.

So basically everyone has said the same thing: you’re better off without the 👻 .

At best, ghosting speaks to a lack of moral courage. They can break off if they want, of course, but just pretending someone no longer exists also shows a serious lack of empathy and would make me seriously question who they were.

Everyone enjoys feeling seen and known and wanted. I speak from experience when I say sometimes people who’ve had difficult childhoods over-value external validation. Because of what was missing at a developmental stage where security is vital, a sense of self-worth wasn’t nourished enough. If we don’t get the right sort of love and attention at a young age, it’s not unusual to try to make up that deficit later on.

Almost everyone gets hurt by being dumped or ghosting, but not everyone internalises it as being a comment on who they are as people. Some of us could say what all the posters on here have said and mean it to the depths of their soul - ‘lucky escape.’

For some of us, moving on is more difficult. There’s a difference between knowing something is rationally true and actually feeling the truth for ourselves.

It can be very hard to acknowledge that it’s not actually about you at all, when you’ve spent a lifetime feeling a certain way.

If your childhood entailed rejection, you may not have a well-developed and inherent sense of your own value. That sense is a safety net that stops people who do have it going in to self-esteem free fall, ruminating, obsessing. So people like us need to build our own net. It’s hard work but it’s the best way to never give men like that a second thought. It will also prevent your peace of mind ending up at the mercy of other people again.

You’re doing the good things people say to do, accomplishing, journaling etc. I’d try less introspective things too, get out there, meet people. I know it’s hard with young kids but by widening your circle it’ll mean you can build up your self-esteem in a variety of ways, and when it comes to any relationship, whether love or friendship, gives you the chance to make informed choices, rather than take what comes along. Do you think that would help? If not, maybe doing something online that has nothing to do with love or friendship. What are you good at and what do you enjoy?

People end relationships and they aren't so good at it. In modern times, you come across a lot of people who think they are great communicators and who very often aren't. There's a difference between being able to speak your mind, relating and communicating, and that's empathy, awareness and adaptability.

Someone who ghosts very often doesn't have the necessary skills to communicate, adjust and work through anything impacting a relationship in a healthy way towards at least a friendship. Quite often that's because they don't have the self awareness or emotional maturity yet.

I'd view ghosting as dealing with someone who perhaps isn't at your level yet to understand the effect of it, and something that is more about that person unable to cope rather than intending to hurt or devalue you. It can help with the self esteem a bit.

Thank you, some very lovely replies here. I did have years of therapy, after the first ghoster, and threw myself into years of travelling, self love groups, meditation groups, all my different hobbies, following my passions, stopped drinking, followed healthy diets, lots of exercises, meeting loads of new people. That kind of thing. It never took that dull ache away though, of what happened with the ghoster. Never quite got him out of the back of my mind. Then, when I was a vulnerable single mum, stuck at home alone, he popped back. I felt messed up from it. I don't have money for proper therapy now, and haven't found anything good for free over the past few years. Lots of it is CBT, but I've never found a free counsellor who can go through things properly and deeply with me.

This new one is bringing it all back in a strange way. I can't get out much to meet people because I don't have the funds for it, no babysitter to join social groups of an evening, and I haven't found anything I can get to locally during the daytime. I'm just with my daughter most of the time, or with the odd mum friend for an hour or two here and there, or alone. I can't do my old hobbies any more as can't afford them and my daughter is too young to bring along. I've tried some solo hobbies like knitting, cooking and writing, but I don't enjoy it as much as socialising. Being able to chat to friends does take my mind off of it all, so when someone has time to text, that helps. I guess just affirmations and stuff may help, whilst I'm going through this lonely period.

It makes a lot of sense now that it's their poor communication when something feels off, which makes them completely vanish, rather than talk through it. I guess I could never get my head around it, as I have a lot of empathy and could never just treat the other person at the end of the connection like a commodity. I guess that does help my self esteem.

I think with the latest guy I definitely did just take, what came along. Because I'm meeting so few people at the moment. So I guess I have to raise my bar even higher, and if I meet 5 people, not think "oh this is the top of the 5 and therefore the best", and try and compare the top of the 5 to the kind, considerate, funny people in the wider world who I may not necessarily be able to meet right now, but could do one day.

My pond is small, but I don't have to agree with what's in it, whilst I'm waiting to be allowed back into my lake.

I enjoy being in water, dancing, writing, comedy, art, painting, cinema, craft. tennis, travelling, journaling, documenting things, some science stuff, tennis, improv, connection group exercises. Plenty more as well, but that's some of it. I'm good at helping people, but I'm trying to remind myself of what other things I'm good at which are more selfish.

Another thing is, I think I beat myself up for bad judgement, as these guys seemed really great when I met them. In fact, the first one came with great praise and recommendations from mutual people, and the second came with really good reviews from some volunteer work we both do, which is where we met. Reviews about his empathy and communication and human understanding and care from the people we work with. Which is why I find it hard to understand, and I guess that's why my self esteem gets lowered because I think 'maybe they saw something in me I'm not aware of', because everyone else got an amazing version of them.