How to get over being used and ghosted?

[Hyram]

I’m a very cautious person when it comes to online dating and I date with intention. I’m not into ONS or situationships. I make this clear with guys I date that I am looking to date with a view to get into a relationship with the right man. I’m fun and like to enjoy dates getting to know people. Anyway, it seems I’ve been used for sex and ghosted by a man I was getting to know. He’s ghosted me twice. The first time I gave him the benefit of doubt as he had something catastrophic happened in his life. Perhaps I was too kind as nobody is ever too busy to send a quick message. Now it’s happened a second time. I’m deeply hurt and upset by it. Sure we weren’t exclusive or anything but to just disappear on someone like that, after I gave him lots of support, is quite deeply disgusting in my view. I’ve tried to get over it, but it’s really making me feel angry and cross and awful that someone could treat me like this way. I know many people hate confrontation but surely if you lack these basic skills, you shouldn’t be dating. If he didn’t want to see me again, why not say? I’m a very understanding person who doesn’t mind rejection. I take it in my stride. But ghosting? That’s real low life behaviour. And part of me wonders if it’s being done on purpose. He always said I was too good for him.

I don’t know how to shake these horrible feelings I have. I’ve tried telling myself he’s not someone I want - and I do believe it. I try telling myself this is part of dating. But it’s still making me feel angry and sad. Any advice?

It's not about you, that's the only way to think about it. It's avoidant behaviour because he knows he has treated you badly for whatever reason and led you on or not been clear about his intentions. Whatever is going on with him it won't have anything to do with you.

The reason it hurts is because it IS hurtful. It's really psychologically damaging to be intimate and open with someone and then ignored. It's not an adult way to behave. If you had been awful to each other then maybe but even then it's still not a way to deal with conflict.

Keep writing down the wrongs and why he is not a good person for you. And don't get into casual relationships with someone who is emotionally unable to handle the truth and communicate properly. That's what I have learned and taking time off to think about me and what I want and not letting myself get into a situation where it becomes very much them leading the way.

Also let yourself be upset. And it will help you process it and use it as a learning experience as trite as that may sound.

Great advice thank you

Dating is basically fucked in the current day with everyone swiping like they’re shopping… so easy to jump into bed after good dates but guys don’t experience the same attachment and they want the chase… sounds like a 90s dating game but it’s true.

Block him so that he can’t give you a lame excuse and do it again because it will be a constant cycle.

They are never honest because they know we would walk away. By ghosting they think it leaves the door open when they crawl back with their excuses.

If you weren't exclusive with him, then while he was having sex with you he was likely having sex with other women too. That's not a position that puts you at risk in more ways than one, but it's one he's taken full advantage of.

I think OP if you want a LTR and not casual/a situationship, then you probably need to insist on being exclusive otherwise you will continue to attract men who will talk a good game but are really just looking for sex when it suits them.

Thanks for your replies.

We had sex once. I wanted to see how it went before the exclusivity chat.

I’m looking for advice on how to handle my feelings now rather than for lessons learned for the future.

I’ve only ever attracted one man to do this in my 25 years of dating so hopefully it won’t happen again.

Any advice on how to handle how awful this makes me feel?

Yes I will block thank you

What really irks me is how nice I was to him
How supportive and engaging I was
There was no need to just ghost like this
It really leaves me with such a sour taste

Agree with @absolutelyhadenough its not about you, its about him- his immature communication style and his inability to conduct a relationship like an adult. In a way he did you a favour, you now know that his reaction to anything even slightly challenging is to disappear without any explanation. If your relationship had continued, this would have worn thin very very quickly because it's not healthy and you deserve better.

Watch this:

It will help.

I don't get why some people are like this. Live your best life and ignore right back. A them not a you problem as other posters have said. Sorry this has happened to you. How shitty.

Block, delete, forget.

Chalk this up to experience, as mumsnet would say.

Don't give men second chances in the future. Remember: treat me badly once, shame on you; treat me badly twice, shame on me.

What a horrid little man. I’m sorry you’re feeling rejected. He’s behaved badly and thus is not your fault.

Bets on that he will be back again to see how far he can push it for his ego boost. Some men are just in it for this sadly and you got caught out. Sucks but will make you wiser

I don't think telling people you're not interested in one night stands or situationships is particularly useful.

Some blokes will see getting you into bed as a challenge, and some just change their minds after a while just cos they're not feeling it.

I just think have sex when you're ready to because you fancy the pants off him and want to enjoy yourself, not because it is supposed to seal the deal on a relationship. You're not being used if you're having sex you want.

You've heard the saying.. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. You shouldn't have given him a second chance after ghosting you the first time. When people show you who they are, best to believe them.
He sounds cowardly, don't waste anymore headspace on this guy.

I just think have sex when you're ready to because you fancy the pants off him and want to enjoy yourself, not because it is supposed to seal the deal on a relationship.

yes I had sex because I fancied him and was getting very close having supported him

what happened wasn’t because I wanted to seal the deal on a relationship

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. You shouldn't have given him a second chance after ghosting you the first time.

very unhelpful comment

Thank you

Thank you

I disagree with blocking. Delete his number yes, but (if on WhatsApp) if he sends you a message, you can read it if you want and he'll see you have, then ignore. Only block if he messages persistent messages or abuse.

Show these arsehole men that you've seen the message but choosing to ignore them because you're no longer interested, which is quite a powerful message to send. Blocking straight away just gives them incentive to think "ah she's just blocked me, I made the right choice to ghost that weirdo so she's not worth it." It's a weird psychology but seems to be true

Makes sense thank you

I don’t think you can find ways to get over feelings like this. It doesn’t sound like a long relationship. But it has bruised you. So write a list of what he did and what you did. And then another column of what you’d do differently against all of those things now. It might just flip your perspective bc you’re sitting in feelings that are probably not entirely about him but what you have experienced in relationships of all sorts up until now. Look at attachment theory/ it’s not everything but it does help give some insight to how you might be feeling now and why. And put your energy back into you, your life and every time you feel crap force yourself to do something nice for you. It’s counter to what your mind tells you but it’s a good way of breaking a pattern of rumination. Easier said than done obvs.