Sulking or am I in the wrong?

[CM97]

So I've been dating someone after meeting on line for 3 months now... messaged for a month before that but he was away with work so we didn't meet for a month. We live 2 hours apart and are both busy. Dates have been sporadic which kind of suited me initially. His daughter was moving to Australia for 2 years, and he wanted to spend time with her which I completely understood so I waited. However, she left, he had to go away for work for 10 days and then returned. We saw each other last weekend and this week he was came to my home town for work.

He suggested meeting after his work dinner on the Tuesday but it was going to be after 10 pm and I had work the next day so said let's meet on the Wednesday. Anyway - long story short but we didn't meet because his work don't go well and he wanted to get back home.

He's been really busy so we hadn't spoken all week, yesterday I messaged to say what's happened/why has he been distant etc? No response initially which is unusual for him.

Then he replied and said my texts were not what he was expecting and we'd talk later.

Then later, he said my messages have thrown him and he needs time to process. I said fine, does he want me to explain etc, he said no he is tired.

So I think about it, and this morning I text and say that I need more than meeting for dinner and a night together in a hotel every 3-6 weeks, (He's def not married, I've been to his house), and he's seen my message but not replied.

Surely this doesn't need thinking about, either he wants to date me or he doesn't? Why the silent treatment?

If you’ve only seen him a few times this is too much drama and a bit manipulative OP. You told him it wasn’t working. He probably thought ‘ok fair enough’ and got on with his day.

You were giving him an ultimatum instead of opening up a respectful conversation. People generally don’t respond to those. I would 100% have ignored a message like that assuming you were breaking if off without bothering to be polite or assuming you were trying to manipulate me into getting more commitment.

@Catoo yes I agree if it was the first time we've had a discussion about the lack of time we spent together. However, we've had several discussions over it and each time he came up with an excuse as to why he didn't have time etc. So I think it was an ultimatum - he knew I'd waited for 6 weeks and then at the end of that 6 weeks when nothing changed, I had enough.

I wouldn't block him but I would move on. If he ever comes back to you then you can say "I took your silence as your answer, I'm not interested in meeting again". Or just ignore him.

I don't really understand what he meant about your messages, he seems like hard work.

I disagree. If a man gives you the cold shoulder then you have your answer. There’s a difference between having a busy schedule and ignoring messages or cancelling dates. He’s clearly not interested and I don’t think the OP should hold out for false hope.

He could just be so busy he hasn’t got time for someone who expects much from him in his life at the moment, this will probably be why he’s single because there won’t be many women who would put up with this low level of effor. OP your responses to everyone on this thread are so respectful despite probably not being what you want to hear and I’m sure you’re a great person who is a great communicator, whereas he clearly isn’t, so it’s his loss and no loss to you. Try and find someone who lives a bit closer to you and has more time to give you what you want from a relationship. They must be out there, don’t waste any more of your time on this one.

Your messages have “thrown him” and he needs “time to process”? Talk about overdramatic! You haven’t told him that you’re secretly married to the Prime Minister or that you used to be a man - you asked if maybe you might see one another a bit more often and whether you’ve somehow upset him. It’s hardly mind blowing stuff.

He’s dialling up the drama as a get-out clause. He wants to make it your fault when the inevitable happens because he told you he needed time to “process” it; it’s not his fault if you didn’t give him enough time or space…

Relationships where you live that sort of distance apart are bloody difficult even if everything else is perfect. This one seems doomed, I’m afraid.

My thoughts exactly- what's to process? Either he wants to be see me more often than once every 3 weeks or he doesn't. He's either not into me or has a seriously avoidant attachment style which I can well do without.

Thanks ☺️

Meeting someone 5 or 6 times isn’t a relationship, it’s a passing acquaintance at best. I don’t think this is going anywhere.

Ok well it was an ultimatum and he’s ignored it. That’s your answer.

Now you are free to find someone who won’t make excuses about seeing you and who hopefully lives closer!

💐

Yea you're right. I've thought more than once that he wasn't really that committed to developing a relationship.

No, it is childish. If you decide to dump him, do it, ghosting is out of order

This isn’t a relationship, you’ve only met him 5 or 6 times and have already had several discussions about the lack of time you spend together.

Even reading about it feels like pulling teeth, why are you so willing to settle for something that feels like such hard work?

Wouldn't you rather find someone who enthusiastically wants to see you?

There have been reasons it's only been 6 times (he was in India for 2 lots of 2 weeks with work) and family commitments. We've texted every day and spoken several times a week.

Tbh I quite liked the space and not living in each others pockets but there wasn't much enthusiasm to plan to meet.

this seems like hard work and cant believe you are both in your 50s, sounds like my teenage son and his friends dating dilemas

If he was truly interested in you he would make it happen. No excuses.

Sounds like he has others on the go that he prefers to u.

Just call him op and update us!!

your message did sound like you dumped him tho

I'm suggesting that adult males with busy schedules in that age group are not likely to change their plans just because you or I tell them to. DP used to ignore my messages all the time, but when I told him how it made me feel, we discussed the issues and resolved them. The op mentioned that he had some commitments to attend to family and work in a relationship still in its infancy.

I know 🤦‍♀️Being back on the dating scene in your 50's isn't fun. Age doesn't bring wisdom in this case.

@Missamyp I think you are right. It's very different at our age. I don't think we would have worked long term - there were cultural and lifestyle differences to deal with as well.

They would if they were really into you. So again, I disagree. Your experience is one personal experience. Overall, men will make the effort if they want you. No matter what their plans are. No matter how busy they are. If they are really into you, they make it work, they find a way. Just as yours did.

^With a kid my dinner time is about 6.

After work, after school club that is reality

Single mum.

So an update... thank you all for your supportive and honest replies. A few texts have been exchanged and I've realised he is probably the most extreme example of an avoidant attachment type that is humanly possible. So I've told him how out of order he has been (via text obvs because he won't answer the phone to me 🙄), I've wished him well and moved on. #thrownthatoneback #next

How rubbish op. Sorry this happened to you he seems to have wasted your time!!

oh well now he’s moved out of the for your really Prince Charming!!