What is the least unkind way to convey"not interested"?

[EmbarrassedDad]

Hello,

I am a recently divorced 56-year old father of two older teenagers who is out and about, trying to meet people organically, mainly looking to find new friends but why not more if with the right person. Having been out of the "game" since my early thirties I am not sure how best to handle this and would appreciate some advice from women who have probably been on the receiving end of this at some point:

During a recent evening (a sort of "meetup"), a much younger woman (probably thirties) who came to that meetup with a much older guy took pains to tell me he is "just her friend", she is recently divorced, very much single, has no kids, was very smiley and flirty, was wearing a very deep decolleté which at least suggests the possibility she is trying to attract male attention, and she asked for my number, and has now texted me, not with any concrete proposal to meet but it felt like a first step to "stay connected."

The thing is, aside from the fact that I am way too old for her anyway and also at a different life stage, I found this particular woman to be nice enough, but physically quite unattractive, and also not that interesting to talk with. I did not say "no" to giving her my number when asked, because that would have been a rather public rejection (there were other people around), but I also do not want to encourage her to pursue something that is not there.

I did respond to her text, trying to do so in a way that was polite and considerate without being at all encouraging. Why did I respond at all? I generally do not want to be rude to people unless it is necessary, and also, I may well attend future gatherings of this "meetup" so we may organically cross paths again, so if I am rude or totally ignore her, it would be that much more awkward.

This may turn out to be very easy: maybe her text was an invitation to ask her out, so maybe I all need to do is to avoid taking her hint, and that will be that. However, since she asked for my number, she may well follow that up by trying to organise an individual meeting with me (basically a date). If that happens, I am not sure whether it would be kinder to ignore her, to be "busy" that day without making a counteroffer (and repeat being busy as many times as needed), or to give her some other response that is more direct but may also then be more hurtful.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I do not want to unnecessarily hurt her or anyone else's feelings, and I am also not going to date someone whom I do not want to date.

Hopefully she’s on here and has already got the massive ick from reading the OP.

Her and her deep décolleté have dodged a misogynistic bullet. And that’s IF she was as interested in you personally as you’re asserting.

You seriously need to work on your assumption that a woman with a cleavage is out to get you. Ugh.

was wearing a very deep decolleté which at least suggests the possibility she is trying to attract male attention
are you sure you're 56? that sounds positively 1940s 🙄🙄

As she's thirties and you're nearing sixty she may see you as a nice uncle type and have asked for your number to engineer a meeting with her single auntie? She hasn't actually asked you out or made any kind of move, and as the kind of woman that wears a deep decollete on a frosty evening she's probably not backwards in coming forwards. Plus I know very few women in their thirties that want to lumber themselves with a man approaching pensioner status with teenagers.

I am thankful to those of you who have given straightforward advice, which I shall follow if needed.

I've been biting my tongue by not responding to some of the snider comments on here. I shall, however, do that now, once, and then bow out from this thread:

1. I am not in agreement that it is "disgusting" to notice that someone is the only person present on a frosty evening to have her "tits on show." Everyone in that bar, man and woman, will also have noticed it. I have, however, been most foolish by admitting that on Mumsnet.

2. The poster I have quoted above has described her as "the kind of woman that wears a deep decollete on a frosty evening" and concluded that she is "probably not backwards in coming forwards." Is what makes me disgusting for similar speculation the fact that I am male?

3. if a single woman aged 56 came on here, described an encounter with an otherwise unattractive to her (perhaps short, perhaps bald, perhaps having bad teeth or an unattractive face, perhaps just very boring) young man in his thirties who was wearing tight pants that showed off his package, or a form-fitting shirt that showed off his toned pecs, and if she asked about how to remedy the error of giving him her number, then I very much doubt whether that middle-aged single woman would start getting described by others here as "elderly" or "approaching pensioner status" at 56, or told she was "disgusting" for noticing his attributes on display.

4. If she indeed does not want to be "lumbered" with a 56-year old man "approaching pensioner status" and with teenagers, then the feeling would be totally reciprocated, because I do not want to be "lumbered" at 56 with a 30-something childless woman who may be looking for someone with whom to have babies, nor would I want to "lumber" the future babies with a father who would be in his mid-70s by the time they finished A-levels. She well may be a gift to someone younger, and I hope she finds him!

5. If she wanted to introduce me to her fun, fit and free auntie in her 50s, who perhaps even has a sense of humour when discussing deep decolletes on frosty evenings, then I would be absolutely delighted! But unfortunately I very much doubt whether that is why she asked for my number.

If you definitely wouldn't countenance a relationship with that kind of age gap I'd go with that. You are not insulting her and it leaves you able to potentially date someone else within the group.

Say you are not interested in dating. She was a bit forward asking for your number. So would be OK to ignore under the circumstances,

Just don’t be very responsive to the general texts, minimal, not replying straight away, not carrying on the conversation by asking questions. Be polite but that’s all. Obviously if she asks you out then be clear and honest but at this stage if she’s just testing the water don’t be very responsive and I’m sure she’ll get the hint

If she was wearing this outfit to a normal meet up in a pub, the likelihood is that she just has a slightly more dramatic sense of style than your other friends.

Women don’t generally have their one low-cut pulling top that they wheel out when eligible bachelors are around. They either dress like that normally or they don’t.

I would say what you’ve hinted at in your OP. ‘Thanks but on reflection we’re at different stages in life and I’m looking for someone closer to my age.’

Ew.

Idiot bloke here who had to Google decolleté

I'm a bit younger but still a middle aged single dad & I'd happily go on a coffee date if asked out by a younger lady, why on earth not? I'd be very flattered if someone 20 yrs younger than me wanted my number.

Might not be a relationship match etc but might be a fun chat with someone new?

That's what I thought as well!

"wearing a very deep décolleté." FFS you sound like someone from Victorian times. Women should know their place!

Décolleté and negligee?who even speaks like this? Are you sure you’re 56? What country are you from?

If she wanted to introduce me to her fun, fit and free auntie in her 50s, who perhaps even has a sense of humour when discussing deep decolletes on frosty evenings, then I would be absolutely delighted! But unfortunately I very much doubt whether that is why she asked for my number

Just proving you've still got it, OP?

I wouldn't want to go out with a pervy, misogynistic bloke who talks like an Edwardian novel.

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Maybe he means he's from 1856, rather than 56 years old?

Hi OP I’m so sorry that your considerate question has been piled on. Could you say something along the lines of “thank you for contacting me and it was great to meet you. I honestly feel that we’re in different age brackets but I hope that you meet someone special who’s right for you very soon.”

thank you for asking how to deal with this. We’re so often told to “be kind” but here you are, trying to be kind and you didn’t deserve the response you were given

Well said @HoppityBun . I'm shocked at some of these responses to OP. He came out with something a bit daft but really not the crime of the century. Give the man a break - he came here asking for a considerate way to respond.

Personally, I think it's better to be polite but honest. If she does ask you out on a 1:1 basis, then simply say that 'you are flattered but you aren't looking for a relationship'. Or 'thanks for the invite, I'm only looking for friendship and nothing more at the moment, I don't want to give you the wrong impression'. If you're polite but honest, there's no crossed-wires, misunderstandings and no wrong impressions given - people know where they are.

“was wearing a very deep decolleté which at least suggests the possibility she is trying to attract male attention”

just FYI assuming that what a woman WEARS is a reflection of what she WANTS is hugely offensive. You might want to rethink your attitude towards women as you re-enter the dating pool.

I'll bet you wouldn't think she was too young if you had happened to find her attractive 🤣

Indeed. No idea what this self obsessed OP is all about. Why did he give her his number in the first place?