What is the least unkind way to convey"not interested"?

[EmbarrassedDad]

Hello,

I am a recently divorced 56-year old father of two older teenagers who is out and about, trying to meet people organically, mainly looking to find new friends but why not more if with the right person. Having been out of the "game" since my early thirties I am not sure how best to handle this and would appreciate some advice from women who have probably been on the receiving end of this at some point:

During a recent evening (a sort of "meetup"), a much younger woman (probably thirties) who came to that meetup with a much older guy took pains to tell me he is "just her friend", she is recently divorced, very much single, has no kids, was very smiley and flirty, was wearing a very deep decolleté which at least suggests the possibility she is trying to attract male attention, and she asked for my number, and has now texted me, not with any concrete proposal to meet but it felt like a first step to "stay connected."

The thing is, aside from the fact that I am way too old for her anyway and also at a different life stage, I found this particular woman to be nice enough, but physically quite unattractive, and also not that interesting to talk with. I did not say "no" to giving her my number when asked, because that would have been a rather public rejection (there were other people around), but I also do not want to encourage her to pursue something that is not there.

I did respond to her text, trying to do so in a way that was polite and considerate without being at all encouraging. Why did I respond at all? I generally do not want to be rude to people unless it is necessary, and also, I may well attend future gatherings of this "meetup" so we may organically cross paths again, so if I am rude or totally ignore her, it would be that much more awkward.

This may turn out to be very easy: maybe her text was an invitation to ask her out, so maybe I all need to do is to avoid taking her hint, and that will be that. However, since she asked for my number, she may well follow that up by trying to organise an individual meeting with me (basically a date). If that happens, I am not sure whether it would be kinder to ignore her, to be "busy" that day without making a counteroffer (and repeat being busy as many times as needed), or to give her some other response that is more direct but may also then be more hurtful.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I do not want to unnecessarily hurt her or anyone else's feelings, and I am also not going to date someone whom I do not want to date.

If you were open to giving a white lie, you could say you were dating someone and wanted to see where it went. Or you could say you didn’t feel chemistry. Even if she thinks you’re a dick for assuming she’s interested, well, then she thinks you’re a dick. Job done.

You're getting slightly ahead of things here. But go with being busy if she suggests doing anything and saying you're not looking for a relationship right now if she asks more specifically about that.

If she asks you out Id say I'm busy.

If she asks if your interested in her then be honest and say no.

But I have some friends I'm my friendship groups who just collect male friends who they seem to constantly message and flirt with but then nothing further happens so maybe she's one of those 🤷‍♀️

It is much nicer if you just say that you aren’t interested than ignoring someone (ie ghost them).
I think you’ve done the right thing so far and hopefully she will get the message. If she does ask you out, I would just be honest and say thanks for the invite but that you aren’t interested as you didn’t feel you clicked (or something like that).

...................was very smiley and flirty, was wearing a very deep decolleté

Ugh.

I personally wouldn’t lie and say you are busy as then she might try again (if you get to that points she’s been quite persistent with getting your phone number, messaging you etc). If there is a chance you might want something to happen with someone else at the ‘meet up’ then I also wouldn’t pretend to be dating someone else. I also think that might lead her thinking she might have a chance later which she doesn’t. I think honesty but in a kind way is the best approach.

Excuses aren't any less hurtful than a polite no thanks.
They're just less awkward for the person making them.
If she asks you out, you say you're flattered but no thank you, you aren't interested in dating at the moment or some such gubbins
or say that you prefer to avoid age gap relationships. That would probably be a good one.

be "busy" that day without making a counteroffer (and repeat being busy as many times as needed)

Yeah start off with this approach, and just don't get ahead of yourself or overthink.

"Are you free for a drink Friday?" "No, sorry I'm busy then and X is happening at work so I'm gonna be snowed under for a couple of months." That spares both your feelings. In the unlikely event that she's not socially aware enough to know what that means and persists, then have another think.

I wouldn’t bother with the “I’m busy” approach as she always seems quite pushy, so she’ll just suggest another day or keep going. I’d just say “thanks for the invite but I’m actually dating someone at the moment so I feel this would be inappropriate, have a lovely day!”

I agree with creating a fake gf that you’re dating.

wearing a very deep decolleté which at least suggests the possibility she is trying to attract male attention

🙄🙄🙄🙄

I think you need to be honest. Years ago I had several tortuous phone calls with a guy I had zero interest in (whom I knew I would keep seeing as we went to the same social club). I said I was busy every time he asked me out and felt awful that I just couldn't tell him the truth. Took a while for him to get the message.

Maybe say something like you don't feel you are compatible. If pressed, you could mention the age gap or that you didn't feel a spark. If you lie, then that might come back to bite you in the future.

I'd keep it simple yet kind:

'Thanks, that's very kind of you but you're far too young for me.'
or
'Thanks, that's a kind thought but you're far too young for me.'

Which is actually true as you mentioned not keen on age-gap relationships.

Also it implies you just thought she was being kind to an older man, so does not in any way hurt her feelings.

And it leaves you free to meet someone more suited to your life stage / age without feeling awkward if you meet this woman again.

Our bodies are made for the male gaze, didn’t you know? And in some cultures, every last inch of it.

If she does suggest a date, just say no but thank you for thinking of me.
Don’t lie and say you have a girlfriend - gossip spreads through these groups like wildfire and you will be assumed to be off limits/a player if your ideal woman should appear later on.

Don’t overthink it. Don’t respond to her messages unless she requests a meetup and let her know at that stage that you are flattered but not interested (in your own words).

Don't overthink.
If she does ask you out just you can think of a way to respond at that point. The way you respond depends on how she asks you out and what she actually says in the message.
I asked someone out for a drink a few months ago. I thought he was interested due to the way he had been behaving towards me at a group we are both part of. He just wrote back and said "Let's have a drink with the group the next time everyone meets up" which basically said he wasn't interested in meeting me individually. He didn't lie or make up a fake girlfriend or anything or say there's no spark.

So if she asks you something similar you can reply in a similar way and say you'll see her at the next meet up group ie. when lots of other people are around.

Just being honest would be the best thing to do. Might be awkward but surely it's better than making an excuse or a fake girlfriend
Doesn't need to be a long reply if she messages you, just a "I'm flattered but no thanks" I think is more than appropriate

Can't believe it took 3 or 4 replies for someone to say it.

She had a deep V neck on. Must surely be asking for it. FML

I agree with @Heavier . Just be honest and say you don’t date women that much younger than you. That’s no criticism of her and a reason that will never change - the age gap will always be what it is

@OldVillageShop says it better

was wearing a very deep decolleté which at least suggests the possibility she is trying to attract male attention * *

You are wrong for writing that about her outfit.

If she asks you out on a date, just say "sorry, I don't think we'd be a good match, but it was nice meeting you".

Quite!

Public information factoid for idiot men:
If a woman has naturally large breasts and wants to wear clothes that are also flattering to that body type, it’s quite hard to avoid showing cleavage. Large breasts often weigh down a perfectly ordinary v neck to look deeper than it would on a smaller chest. We may not even be aware of it.

It does NOT mean we are gagging for it, or are brazen slags showing off our goods, or whatever male centred sex obsessed thoughts go round your heads.

I think your implication that her low-cut clothes and smiliness were intended to attract male attention is pretty repellent, and you're jumping the gun to assume she has any interest in dating you.

You say she came to the MeetUp with a 'much older guy' who is a platonic friend of hers, so maybe she is one of the many women who just has male friends. Given that you're a much older guy, too, maybe she just sees you as a potential elderly friend to attend MeetUps with, like the other guy.

Just be honest:

"Sorry, no, I don't want to go out. I find you unattractive despite your best efforts to get male attention with your deep decollete"

Or just go out for a date. Based on your comments about her outfit, I reckon she'll get the ick pretty quickly anyway.