What is the least unkind way to convey"not interested"?

[EmbarrassedDad]

Hello,

I am a recently divorced 56-year old father of two older teenagers who is out and about, trying to meet people organically, mainly looking to find new friends but why not more if with the right person. Having been out of the "game" since my early thirties I am not sure how best to handle this and would appreciate some advice from women who have probably been on the receiving end of this at some point:

During a recent evening (a sort of "meetup"), a much younger woman (probably thirties) who came to that meetup with a much older guy took pains to tell me he is "just her friend", she is recently divorced, very much single, has no kids, was very smiley and flirty, was wearing a very deep decolleté which at least suggests the possibility she is trying to attract male attention, and she asked for my number, and has now texted me, not with any concrete proposal to meet but it felt like a first step to "stay connected."

The thing is, aside from the fact that I am way too old for her anyway and also at a different life stage, I found this particular woman to be nice enough, but physically quite unattractive, and also not that interesting to talk with. I did not say "no" to giving her my number when asked, because that would have been a rather public rejection (there were other people around), but I also do not want to encourage her to pursue something that is not there.

I did respond to her text, trying to do so in a way that was polite and considerate without being at all encouraging. Why did I respond at all? I generally do not want to be rude to people unless it is necessary, and also, I may well attend future gatherings of this "meetup" so we may organically cross paths again, so if I am rude or totally ignore her, it would be that much more awkward.

This may turn out to be very easy: maybe her text was an invitation to ask her out, so maybe I all need to do is to avoid taking her hint, and that will be that. However, since she asked for my number, she may well follow that up by trying to organise an individual meeting with me (basically a date). If that happens, I am not sure whether it would be kinder to ignore her, to be "busy" that day without making a counteroffer (and repeat being busy as many times as needed), or to give her some other response that is more direct but may also then be more hurtful.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I do not want to unnecessarily hurt her or anyone else's feelings, and I am also not going to date someone whom I do not want to date.

So true. If I wear clothes modelled by smaller chested women, on me a lot of it looks completely different!

This reminds me of that line in The Office about women wearing necklaces to draw attention to their breasts 😆

Thanks for the advice, I think the age gap one sounds likely to be the most inoffensive, expressed as an “I prefer to date women closer to my own age” in order to pre-empt any sort of “but I prefer to date older men” that might otherwise come back.

I did very much interpret the “I came here with Bill but we are not together, he’s just my best mate, I don’t have a boyfriend, I am completely single” to mean “I am available to meet someone, possibly you.” Because why else would she tell me that?

Regarding the outfit, I am not at all surprised that everyone jumped on me for that, and perhaps I should not have even mentioned it. But she did sort of stand out by wearing a very low cut lacy top that looked rather like a sleeveless negligee, on a cold evening when everyone else in that bar was wearing at a minimum long sleeves, and mostly jumpers or jackets, that were more suited to the cold temperatures.

jeepers. You could have cut down that OP by just saying I’m 56 yr old bloke with teenage kids, on a social event, when a much younger woman asked me for my phone number. I wasn’t keen as I thought she wasn’t my type but gave my number regardless as didn’t want to appear rude. How do I let her down gently if she asks me out?

Answer is, thanks but no thanks, I’m not looking to date atm.

This description made me lol actually 😂

Would you rather he said "she was wearing a low cut top so you could see her ample cleavage"? Or "she had her tits on show and looked like she was gagging for it"?

I did very much interpret the “I came here with Bill but we are not together, he’s just my best mate, I don’t have a boyfriend, I am completely single” to mean “I am available to meet someone, possibly you.” Because why else would she tell me that?

Because she was simply being accurate? Because she was telling people in general at a new group, so she wasn't inadvertently classified as 'coupled up' when she was open to a relationship, not necessarily with you, but with other men closer to her age? Or because she didn't want people to think that she had a 'much older man' fetish?

No version of it was needed.

There was absolutely no need to make a reference to her cleavage 😂

For goodness sake. I wear low cut lace tops sometimes. I wear them because I look good in them. A plunging neckline suits larger breasts. It does not mean I'm advertising myself as available for sex. And anyone who thinks it does will get short fucking shrift from me.

You sound completely wet!

Giving out your number so as not to publicly reject her?! Jesus wept!

Why on earth do people get themselves into a mess?

Just tell her straight that you're busy man and no time for a one on one friendship with her.

Tell her her decolletee is too deep

Yep. But do it in the style of your OP: keep it really long-winded.

Sir, since you are out of the loop, the best thing you can do in situations where people ask for your number is to decline to give it to them. That stops the nonsense in its tracks. How would I suggest you do it?

"Thank you for asking, but no. I don't think the woman I'm seeing would like that very much."

You can smile while you say it. And seeing is vague enough that no one can press you about it later. Seeing could be once. Seeing could be you want to be with them but haven't made it happen yet. Seeing could be 10 dates in with no formal commitment. Plus it's no one's business anyway. That's how you are going to have to back women up off you in a polite yet firm way.

This is the kindest but honest answer.

If she suggests anything you can simply reply ‘thank you but I am looking to befriend women of my own age’

You don't come across as a 56year old adult.

you sound like a bloody teenager.

you're massively overthinking and over investing in this. Just say you're very busy at work, block the number and move on. Jeez.

Maybe she's planning on matchmaking you with her Gran? Or Bill? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Frasier

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Don't lie about having a girlfriend or not wanting to date anyone.I agree with others up-thread, the age gap is a factual and inoffensive way to deal with this respectfully. If she asks you out, just politely say "Thank you, but I'm only looking to connect with women much closer to my own age."

There's a dating coach, Erika on "A Little Nudge", who has lots of good examples of how to handle awkward situations respectfully. You can Google her or find her on Instagram here : https://www.instagram.com/alittlenudge?igsh=MWlteTh4ZG5zNHZuZA==

Agree, stick with the age gap and your preference.

Also, you can respectfully decline to give your number - "Sorry, but I never give anyone my number," is very acceptable.

Optional, to give an impression that the age gap is noticeable and matters to you, "Sorry, my dear..."

Just be honest. She's too young

Your comment about her low top is disgusting

If someone asks me out and I don't want to go, I usually just say I'm seeing someone. If they are persistent I just ignore/block as they're not respecting my boundaries so I don't give a shit about theirs.

If I go out once, and I know I won't see them again, as I'm leaving I say, thanks for nice evening, but you're not for me.

It gets easier when you've been in the game for a while!

I don't get why some posters often jump to lying as a get out when you're mentioned you may see her again. Out of interest why? He may see someone else there he is interested in.

The cleavage detail was unnecessary and has derailed the thread.

If it's true that you're not interested in younger women that's a perfect get out if she asks you out "thanks for asking, I'm flattered but I'm looking for someone my own age'. If she comes back and says she likes older men, so what? You've said no thanks. Don't say this if it's not true and you may accept a date with a 30 something. That case it's fine to say "thanks for asking but I felt more of a friendly vibe'. That's a recognised "thanks but no thanks', it doesn't necessarily mean you're offering to be mates.

I really don’t get the posts telling him to lie about a made up gf rather than just say a simple ‘no thank you’

Honestly the knots people seem to tie themselves into rather than just say a good honest no baffles me