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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has been diagnosed with Borderline and bipolar

62 replies

Sprinklesonthetop3 · 05/10/2024 05:57

Hello I'm 37 and my partner is 49. We have been in a relationship for 5 and a half years
We do not live together. The reason being he is allover the place emotionally. It got to the point in March where I thought that's it now. I've had enough. I started emotionally turning off and I guess my positive feelings were fading. We've had some very heavy times and I think the complexity of him has made me unable to make a decision and stick to it because he doesn't behave like normal people

Arguments are blown into intense silent treatments or just awful snappy phone calls where I can't talk. Even if I can talk he won't see My point of view (this has been explained to me as splitting) and its like he hates me. But then there's times he's on such a high over us.

I'm not stupid I've got a strong awareness I cannot do this forever and I don't want to. I have tried to end it several times but he always needs me for something. The loneliness also cripples me in the first few days. But sometimes I feel really empowered and he will message.

He had been ill since June. Under mental health team after he started seeing and hearing stuff. They said he was so overwhelmed that it happens. He saw a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago who has given him the diagnosis of Bipolar and Borderlone. He's started a medication.

I just don't Like how things feel. Like I've just got up for work and he was on WhatsApp at 1am. I end up thinking whys he online at that time.

I just wanted to reach out to anyone who can relate who's been here. I could do with a chat. My intention is to end it on the next bad cycle. Thank you.

OP posts:
Fkintired · 05/10/2024 06:09

Don't wait until the next 'bad' time: end it now. The man needs some intensive therapy and stable on medication before he should be in a relationship.

You need to look after yourself

Fkintired · 05/10/2024 06:10

Also, BPD is never an excuse for emotional abuse. Which this is.

GreyCarpet · 05/10/2024 06:12

I can see why you would be waiting to end it on the next bad cycle but this relationship will be actively harming you.

Sometimes the damage caused by another person isn't immediately apparent when you're in the middle of it. You feel like you're aware, understand and have a handle on it.

The problems often arise when you're out of it and you realise you've 'forgotten' what a normal relationship or interaction looks like and it impacts on the next.

I just don't Like how things feel.

This is why you end it. You don't need to wait for the next big problem. Or be able yo justify it to him. He doesn’t have to like it or agree with you. You can ignore him when he messages again. You can block him if you find that hard to do.

justhereforhelp · 05/10/2024 06:12

Sorry for what you have been going through OP. I may be wrong but based on what you have said about him, this diagnosis could potentially make things worse as he now has an 'excuse' for his behaviour. That is not me saying it is an excuse but he may view it this way.

TENSsion · 05/10/2024 06:33

Please access support from a domestic violence charity such as your local IDVA. If he has significant mental health issues, you may be at a heightened risk when you do leave.
You are responsible for him. You are responsible for your own happiness.

MayaPinion · 05/10/2024 06:57

You can’t fix him and this will not change. He will be like this for the rest of his life. No amount of listening, kindness, love, care or attention can make him better and you are not his therapist. If you can life with that then great. If not, you need to leave.

TemuSpecialBuy · 05/10/2024 06:59

Not dating but related to…

I had to go NC with my father in the end. I think men with bipolar often present very differently to women.
he was incredibly emotionally abusive and getting as far away as I could was the only option. My DM eventually left and my siblings all went NC too.
Silent treatment was a fave of his (max record was over a year with one sibling… I had over 6months once) so were the verbal tear downs.

it’s really hard you are trained to spend hours puzzling over the secret to unlock/ solve their behaviour so you know how not to do the “wrong” thing. You end up feeling totally responsible for their emotional regulation (which is nuts / impossible) and like you are at fault when the inevitable happens… again. Nothing you give is enough / can fix it / will keep life “nice”.

fear is what’s holding you back. And when you leave fear of the future you have to hold your nerve and keep going.

note: ignore ANY change / improvement on the medication and get out and leave.
it well documented many bipolar patients have very poor compliance with their meds and many randomly stop taking them for various reasons/excuses. I experienced this firsthand and at length…

PixiePirate · 05/10/2024 07:12

As there are no children involved, why bend yourself into all sorts of shapes to limp along in a dysfunctional relationship that is likely to cause you distress and suffering for the rest of your days?

Whilst it can’t be much fun for the person who has been diagnosed with these conditions, I don’t understand why an unhappy partner would hang around to endure it too unless there were children to think about. I doubt very much that many men would put up with it if the shoe was on the other foot.

CreationNat1on · 05/10/2024 07:15

End it now.

Get therapy yourself.

Why are you nursing him?

What's in this for you?

Are you co dependent?

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 05/10/2024 07:30

I don't know very much about these conditions so I will leave that area for those more knowledgeable than I to comment on.
Just wanted to send you some "strength vibes" really, as the situation doesn't sound at all nice. Many have suggested that you leave him and I think that might be for the best. He needs time to concentrate on therapy and his medication and 'getting better'. You need time to heal. IF (and I don't know whether it's possible or not lacking knowledge of his conditions) there is a brighter day in which his conditions are controlled etc. you could always have a conversation then about whether you want to rebuild your relationship or not? Wishing you the best in whatever you decide anyway. 🌺

MugPlate · 05/10/2024 07:34

Why are you so afraid of being lonely?

BanksysSprayCan · 05/10/2024 07:34

It’s kinder and easier on everyone to end things whilst he’s got some support and on medication. Please get yourself some counselling if you can, for your own support.

Purpleraiin · 05/10/2024 10:40

Hi OP, my partner has borderline and used to show similar behaviours so I kind of get where you are at.
Where you have ended it in the past, has this been during a splitting episode or outside of one?

NewDogOwner · 05/10/2024 10:42

You can sympathise with his health issues but also protect yourself. Get out.

Toopies · 05/10/2024 11:26

You are wasting years with this man.
Its over. Protect yourself.

Opentooffers · 05/10/2024 11:44

Stupid is as stupid does, and you have tolerated his cycles for 5 1/2 years. Is this really the best you can do for yourself? You must think very low of yourself if you don't wish for better and get sucked in by a few days of 'good times' now & then.

Gladicalled · 05/10/2024 11:48

You aren’t happy. Thats enough to end it. It’s mental impacting you. It’s enough to end it.

My mum was diagnosed as bi-polar. I adored her. She has been dead 3 years and I miss her everyday. But it was so hard to be her daughter. It’s left me with scars I didn’t even know where there.

It’s very difficult having any sort of relationship in these situations. It’s not one you should be in, if you are so unhappy. It will damage you in the long run.

Glooop · 05/10/2024 12:35

PixiePirate · 05/10/2024 07:12

As there are no children involved, why bend yourself into all sorts of shapes to limp along in a dysfunctional relationship that is likely to cause you distress and suffering for the rest of your days?

Whilst it can’t be much fun for the person who has been diagnosed with these conditions, I don’t understand why an unhappy partner would hang around to endure it too unless there were children to think about. I doubt very much that many men would put up with it if the shoe was on the other foot.

I think if there were children involved it would be even more reason to separate - so at least they had some time to experience at lest one parent who was attuned to their needs and not preoccupied with the other.

I also think that someone with his level of emotional dysregulation mayeb doesnt benefit from a relationship where emotional intimacy is a trigger to dysregulation and abusive discharge.

I suspect other people is his life are not sujected to this behaviour.

His diagnosis may explain his problematic behaviour but never excuses it.

He would benefit from DBT - where he can learn to observe his distorted thinking and communication patterns so he can recalibrate and mentalise his emotions and practice how to respond rather than react. Maybe your relationship is a buffer and getting in the way of him fixing himself.

Also reflect on what dynamics went on in your own childhood that it is acceptable for you to tolerate abuse and look to seek professional support to address this for you.

bipolarstars · 05/10/2024 12:54

I have bipolar and I would still say separate if it’s not making you happy. It sounds quite like you are done with the relationship, and your gut is telling you to leave. It sounds somewhat abusive - like you don’t have an equal voice and seem to be carrying the blame/responsibility for things.

My own bipolar moods (happiness level) fluctuate in a classic happy / sad wave over the months and years but I don’t do the ‘splitting’ thing - my interpersonal relationships are stable if people can cope with the fact I’m tired/low/taking time out at times.

The combination with borderline personality disorder sounds like he’ll have a lot to work out and to take a lot of personal responsibility to do so, even with meds.

It just sounds like you’re carrying him and a punchbag - I agree with previous posters that sometimes you don’t raise the damage done to your psyche until ur out (from personal experience).

Take care and good luck as OP - you deserve to be treated with respect and love!

pikkumyy77 · 05/10/2024 12:56

F

BobbyBiscuits · 05/10/2024 13:14

You must leave him. Many people with BPD and other personality disorders can live very happy lives, and be loving supportive partners.
This bloke is just abusive. He has no excuse for his behaviour and it will probably get worse, not better. There are no positives to staying in the relationship.

Marblesbackagain · 05/10/2024 13:17

This isn't manageable unfortunately as they are not taking responsibility for their impact on you.

neilyoungismyhero · 05/10/2024 13:20

The bottom line for me would be what am I getting out of this relationship?
There are any number of people who need help and support in their lives but we wouldn't attach ourselves to them to the detriment of our own well being and it seems you're doing just that. I'm early 70s and I can tell you life is too short for this shit...it goes in a flash...get out of this awful cycle with him and get a life. Best wishes genuinely you need to do this.

Glooop · 05/10/2024 14:19

neilyoungismyhero · 05/10/2024 13:20

The bottom line for me would be what am I getting out of this relationship?
There are any number of people who need help and support in their lives but we wouldn't attach ourselves to them to the detriment of our own well being and it seems you're doing just that. I'm early 70s and I can tell you life is too short for this shit...it goes in a flash...get out of this awful cycle with him and get a life. Best wishes genuinely you need to do this.

I agree with life being too short.

I dont know if you already have children or hoped to have them with this guy?

I also think that as the unavoidable knocks of life drain you - it can be compounding over time and you have less emotional capacity to absorb and buffer so you end up depleted.

WitchyBits · 05/10/2024 14:40

I'm bipolar and have been lucky enough to find a very tolerant and understanding partner. We have been together 24 years but he's stood by me through some very very tough times. I don't say this lightly, but you need to walk away. Your priority here is protecting yourself. You are not a rehab centre for anybody.

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