Boyfriend has been diagnosed with Borderline and bipolar

[Sprinklesonthetop3]

Hello I'm 37 and my partner is 49. We have been in a relationship for 5 and a half years
We do not live together. The reason being he is allover the place emotionally. It got to the point in March where I thought that's it now. I've had enough. I started emotionally turning off and I guess my positive feelings were fading. We've had some very heavy times and I think the complexity of him has made me unable to make a decision and stick to it because he doesn't behave like normal people

Arguments are blown into intense silent treatments or just awful snappy phone calls where I can't talk. Even if I can talk he won't see My point of view (this has been explained to me as splitting) and its like he hates me. But then there's times he's on such a high over us.

I'm not stupid I've got a strong awareness I cannot do this forever and I don't want to. I have tried to end it several times but he always needs me for something. The loneliness also cripples me in the first few days. But sometimes I feel really empowered and he will message.

He had been ill since June. Under mental health team after he started seeing and hearing stuff. They said he was so overwhelmed that it happens. He saw a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago who has given him the diagnosis of Bipolar and Borderlone. He's started a medication.

I just don't Like how things feel. Like I've just got up for work and he was on WhatsApp at 1am. I end up thinking whys he online at that time.

I just wanted to reach out to anyone who can relate who's been here. I could do with a chat. My intention is to end it on the next bad cycle. Thank you.

I don't think I've ever been co dependant before. I've always dumped partners if they cheated. I dont normally stay when things fail. I think I've just been made to feel heavily responsible for him but also I think I've gotten so used to caring for him. Being there for him. Helping him. It's never really been about me. Unless he's on a high. Then he makes out he loves me so much and xyz but I know its short term thinking.

I don't feel lonely as in lonely lonely. I mix alot at work and have 3 good friends out of work. It's just the silence feels really uncomfortable when I'm distressed from a meltdown.

I know its not normal. Which is why I protect things Like him not living with me. I could never allow it. If he lived with me i would be broke and struggle. So I know I have certain boundaries.

It's so hard. But I just need to do it I know I do.

Run away, run away....

You need to end this for your own self preservation
You've said it doesn't feel right for you, and that's enough reason,his diagnoses aren't a reason to stay
He is emotionally abusive to you
I am bipolar myself, very stable on meds
The patients with BPD I have met have all been manipulative and explosive., and treatment for BPD is rare and often is unsuccessful because it's innate and often due to past abuse or trauma
Don't let him try to talk you round, even if he threatens suicide.
You are not his therapist and he needs more support than you can provide

Back away, sweetheart.

At a guess he's been through hell as a young person - BPD and bipolar in the way you describe don't come from nowhere - but if he's still as unstable as this at 49, he needs serious help. Will he accept the help he's been offered?

The thing is, someone with uncontrolled BPD can suck you dry without even realising it, then move onto the next one. It's a desperately difficult condition for the person and for everyone around them.

You can't cure him. Only he can learn to live with the hard emotions that govern him. All you can do is find yourself sucked dry.

I think you need to use your head here. His behaviour is tugging at your heartstrings, but it's also going to have a really bad effect on you - the silent treatment, the fights. It has a long term influence on you, and I suspect you won't realise how much until a few years down the line.

There's a very useful phrase that Pamela Stephenson coined, "Detach with love". You can love someone, but still realise that you don't have to go down into the sad, painful and angry life he lives.

After 3 days of him being on a happy positive high and decorating for me he's completely changed overnight with his new medications. He was almost 2 hours late to my house last night. He was coming for half 2. Arrive at 4.15. It was a struggle between half 2 and half 3 to get hold of him. He then came up and half 6 was done with the day. Took his tablets and went to sleep at 6.55. I tried to lie in bed with him and watch tele but he snored really loud (maybe the meds?) I came through until almost 10pm and sat in the living room. I've just got up. I have work at 7am. He's still asleep.
I am just fed up. I almost fell out with him last night. I'm not one to argue I dont like it. But it feels selfish to come round my house to take over and sleep like a toddler.

He is no longer working may I add. I work 6.30 until 2.30. I was genuinely tired after my shift yesterday because I'm getting a cold. I'm struggling with the darker mornings and he went out of his way to say he worked 13 hours and would come home and Potter and do this and do that. In the 5 years I've known him his sleep patterns have always been either over sleeping or not sleeping at all

I know I've got to try harder to get out if it all. I feel so guilty. He has no idea how much I have changed how I feel.

There's alot of mental health In his mother's side. But it sounds he has major issues with his dad who seems to have left the family home and come back leaving his mum skint whilst he was loaded and having lots of sex outside his marriage. Sounds like his dad didn't like him or support him as a child/teenager and he's always remained bitter. He has a deep routed anger towards his dad. I can only presume that triggered it. He had 2 children when he was really young. Doesn't have a relationship with them. Although one of them got in touch this year and they have met up 2 or 3 times. But it doesn't seem healthy or normal. It seems they both act really self destructive together. He spills all his problems onto them and sulks. They don't act like an adult and tend to act like a little girl back. No idea!

It's just really grinded me down and I forgot what normal looks like..

I know it's abuse. He in the past has told his bosses and colleagues and family members really strange things about me that aren't the case.

I think you know the answer to this - bite the bullet and don’t look back.

It gets worse. Doesn’t sound like he’s capable of being fully considerate towards other people. Very telling that he can’t put his own issues aside enough to be a proper adult towards his child.
Confused about whether he’s working. You said not and then that he’d worked 13 hrs. You mean decorating for you?
Take a step back from this mess. He’s a significantly older man with no job, a shit dad, abusive to you. You haven’t made any vows and there are no children to consider.
Why do you feel he’s your responsibility?
Why are you carrying on with someone you can never live with?
Yes he will blame and judge you for leaving him but it’s not as though he appreciates you now.

Just remember, you're not responsible for him. His childhood isn't your fault. His failure as a parent isnt your fault. You can't fix him.

He doesn't need you. He will manage, like he managed before you came into his life.

Let go of the guilt and obligation and feeling sorry for him.

You can have compassion for someone and understanding for them without having to stay in a relationship that is harmful to you.

You were concerned about what he was doing at 1 o'clock in the morning and it sounds as though infidelity is your sticking point. I would imagine he was up all night talking to people online particularly if he is in a manic phase.

You know you have to end the relationship. You know that you will feel lonely so you have to set things in place for what you can do to help yourself at that time. Do you have many friends? Could you join a gym or go swimming?

Does he have a key to your place?

Just how much are you enjoying this relationship?

Don't wait.

You are not his counsellor or his therapist, and you are not responsible for his mental health or wellbeing.

If the relationship is making you unhappy, then that is all that matters. Put your own feelings and emotions first, because he isn't ever going to become the person you want him to be, however hard you try.

Do you know where you want to be @Sprinklesonthetop3 ?

Can you break that down into steps?

What would be the first one?

When would be the best time to take it?

Are you concerned for your safety?

How do you suppose he will react?

Do you have a plan to deal with his reactions?

Have you broken up with him in the past?

What is his relationship history and breakup behaviour?

Do you have friends and family to lean on right now?

What do you think you will miss from this relationship and how can you minimise any negative impact?

If you don't care enough about him to support him when he is ill just go

Whoosh! @anniegun

You absolutely have to get therapy and help for yourself, OP. You ate wasting your life pouring care and compassion into a bucket with no bottom. This man is unstable and more than half the time he is manipulative and abusive. He is a full time patient looking for a full time caregiver. Don’t give your life away.

OP - many anti psychotics can knock you out completely and utterly. Starting meds, you’d expect someone to be possibly sleeping a great deal and not necessarily have control over this.

None of this changes what you’ve said already though and that this relationship is possibly harmful - it sounds like you know what you need/want to do and are just trying to gear up?

His mental health isn't his fault, but it is his responsibility, not yours. The kind thing to do is to end it now. Waiting until he's at a low point and then ending it is a bit cruel.

Take it from someone who has been there — you cannot heal, mend or save him.

You can however protect yourself. As others have said expect the behaviour to escalate as you detach but stay strong — a whole world of peace and calm awaits you on the other side. It’s amazing how we normalise, rationalise and explain away terrible behaviour. I truly think that because it is cyclical we do almost forget just how bad it is when it’s bad.

Good luck

Regardless of his diagnosis, if the relationship isn't meeting your basic needs then end it. You don't owe him your happiness.
Read Matthew hussey loveofe

Much kinder to get out as soon as possible rather than stringing him along.

He's turned horrible again today. He slept until 11am today from 6.45 last night. He asked me to be on at him about his tablets so he takes them properly. He can barely keep his eyes open and was nodding off on my sofa in the last hour. I told him that he needs to take another 2 tonight and he's already nodding off so he should take them. He got nasty and I told him to go home. He claimed I was at him and he wanted me yo leave him alone.

To be honest I need a break from him. He's been on a high for days. Minute he's started these tablets he's a moody tired mess. I do have sympathy but I live in a small bungalow and it makes me feel I can't relax when I'm trying to not disturb him.

He's walked out and told me he just wants Me to leave him alone. I really didn't try pee him off. Never mind. I will do some thinking tonight.

Yeah I truly do care and understand. In the time I've known him he's been on amitriplyine. Gaberpentin. Pregablins. Anti depressants. Oramorph. Fluxetine. Cocomols. So many more. The thing is he can be lovely for a couple of weeks then go all horrible because of tablets or whatever and then he decides I'm the problem. So I am truly supportive. He's only had this diagnosis for a couple of weeks. I know what he's like though and I do believe he will be a nightmare and take them at the wrong times. Take too many. Run out. Sleep through and forget. I'll end up worrying when he's uncontactable. I try with him I really do.

please do something for yourself and end this