Boyfriend has been diagnosed with Borderline and bipolar

[Sprinklesonthetop3]

Hello I'm 37 and my partner is 49. We have been in a relationship for 5 and a half years
We do not live together. The reason being he is allover the place emotionally. It got to the point in March where I thought that's it now. I've had enough. I started emotionally turning off and I guess my positive feelings were fading. We've had some very heavy times and I think the complexity of him has made me unable to make a decision and stick to it because he doesn't behave like normal people

Arguments are blown into intense silent treatments or just awful snappy phone calls where I can't talk. Even if I can talk he won't see My point of view (this has been explained to me as splitting) and its like he hates me. But then there's times he's on such a high over us.

I'm not stupid I've got a strong awareness I cannot do this forever and I don't want to. I have tried to end it several times but he always needs me for something. The loneliness also cripples me in the first few days. But sometimes I feel really empowered and he will message.

He had been ill since June. Under mental health team after he started seeing and hearing stuff. They said he was so overwhelmed that it happens. He saw a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago who has given him the diagnosis of Bipolar and Borderlone. He's started a medication.

I just don't Like how things feel. Like I've just got up for work and he was on WhatsApp at 1am. I end up thinking whys he online at that time.

I just wanted to reach out to anyone who can relate who's been here. I could do with a chat. My intention is to end it on the next bad cycle. Thank you.

OP Prioritise yourself.
You are self sacrificing.
I posted upthread that I have bipolar and I'm ( happily) divorced
At my worst(25 years ago now) I wouldn't have wanted to live with me either

I'm trying to end it now.

He told me the other day he needed me to know it wasn't me or us. It was him and he loved me and it was just his head.

Tonight I said I feel Like you hate me again. He said its my own behaviour and actions and it's my own fault. Then he hung up.

Op apologies. I definitely didn’t mean to imply that you should try harder. Hearing also that he’s asking you to help manage his medication sounds very wrong (and then blaming you for it).

You have a right to your life and happiness and the relationship sounds impossible and detrimental. Good luck op - and some of the charities/helplines re domestic abuse sound really helpful above if you feel up to reaching out.

Is he still taking gabapentin, pregabalin, oramorph and co-codemol? If so, that will explain him being tired.

Just write him a message ending it if he's put the phone down on you.

There doesn't need to be a big discussion about it or him to agree to it.

You were trying to end it, so end it.

Don't let his refusal to engage keep you stuck in place.

What words are you wanting to hear that will make you end this terrible relationship OP?

My exH was strongly suspected of having both Bipolar and BPD. He didn't finish his investigations as we split up and he had no incentive to carry on with them/didn't really like any of the Drs who were involved with him at the time. He has since been diagnosed with ADHD. From my own experience living with him I suspect he has all 3. I know there was childhood trauma with his father and his biggest fear was rejection which is fairly instrumental within BPD.
His moods could change from calm to explosive in seconds and without warning. He could be disgustingly abusive and equally loving and sorry he had behaved that way, only to repeat the behaviour again. I have no doubt that he loved me in the only way he could (he told me he didn't know what love was meant to feel like).
He loved him mother, as she 'protected' him from his dad. His father was abusive in a very sly and mainly emotional way (ie when mother was out), and behaved like he loved him if there was an audience.
It was one hell of a ride and I knew I was out of my depth trying to help him. He used my help against me whenever it suited. I was fully aware that although he professed to adore me, he didn't realise what that actually entailed with regards to respect and giving space in a relationship. He wanted to be with me a ridiculous amount of time and I need my space. He phoned constantly but wasn't controlling over my coming and going with friends and family. I know he was devastated when we split up - it was the usual explosion about nothing much and him convinced I didn't love him. He imploded and moved out very quickly. It was extremely sad as it was a second marriage for us both. One final nail in the coffin for my respect towards him was his personal name calling - 'fucking little runt' 'fucking cunt' 'fucking slag' whatever you can think of that was extremely abusive, he'd call me it in his rages. I still don't know whether he actually had any control of himself (I suspect not), I knew I had to protect my own sanity so we had to separate ans I had zero respect for him by then. We managed to do this fairly amicably and we are still friends today. He realises he cannot be in a relationship as every time he has been in one, the same pattern repeats itself. He is without doubt emotionally unstable. A very engaging person to be around, but dangerous in a relationship. I wish him well and I hope you can find your way through your own troubles. Protect your own sanity - otherwise you will have wasted so many years of your life. Good luck.

I still don't know whether he actually had any control of himself (I suspect not),

Well, he wasn’t saying it to men on the street, I assume. Odd how that happens.

Glad you’re free, hope op can see the link.

Thank you for your reply and for sharing your experience. It's very similar. His mother passed away 22 years ago but he talks about her so much and hates his dad for cheating on her etc. I relate to the not being controlling about friends etc. He's not one to tell me off if I go out. He's always been fine with it. But he gets a little rude if I chat to him about friends or work. He tells me out right he really isn't interested which is rude. He can't seem to engage in conversations unless they are about him. Infact most of the time it is about him. I've never been able to talk about my day to him. Like today for example. If he was someone else I'd have told him about work today as something happened that I think would touch other people. But I know he wouldn't engage.

The moods are awful. I feel so so sorry for him but I am fed up of this being my life. Not being able to introduce him to people. Not being able to plan ahead or book a weekend away because he will fall out with me or let me down financially.
I know I'm all he has left. But times like tonight I feel I deserve alot more

"He tells me out right he really isn't interested which is rude. He can't seem to engage in conversations unless they are about him. Infact most of the time it is about him. I've never been able to talk about my day to him."

You've taken me back there - yep - the inability to have a filter and be rude. he knows he stuggles with this, and for the most part, EVERYTHING was about him. It drove me absolutely mad mentally. He did show that he cared about me but more in a 'doing way' he felt he'd 'done his bit' if he sorted things (practical, never emotional) that I needed a help with. He simply couldn't see that I wanted EMOTIONAL support and acknowledgement, not someone pulling wallpaper off the minute I suggested lightheartedly, a change in decor, or arranging for a window cleaner before we'd even discussed it properly... even when we got engaged, he was pushing for the wedding to happen so quickly - it seemed almost pure excitement (which he seemed to live in a frequent fluctuating state of / or utter anger, misery and depression). Moods were never balanced and stable - it was all drama and adrenaline. Absolutely exhausting. The big thing with this type of behaviour, as I understand, is fear of rejection and childhood trauma. I think DMT therapy would have been his only chance of getting on top of it all, but as he didn't self harm, he didn't qualify for it when he was willing to be treated.
I have to laugh now when I remember any 'holiday' we were going on or a day out. We literally got no more than two miles away before an almighty row broke out, usually because I was driving 'too near the kerb' or drove in a direction or manner that he himself, would not! Honestly absolutely EVERYTHING was an issue. I'm just so glad it's not MY issue any more. Please DM me if you feel you need to, and I don't want to be negative (also I'm not a big LTB person), but I think you will be much better off moving on. These things don't resolve easily.

You have posted about this man numerous times before, I believe? He is a drug user in addition to all his other problems and is co-enabling his daughter's drug use as well?

What do you need from this thread in order to break up with him? Because not a single person has ever, or is ever going to, tell you to stay. So how can we help you give yourself permission to be happy? Or would it be better to seek that validation from your friends and family, or maybe a counsellor?

Why can you write it all out but not grasp the point of your own experience? You seem very dissociated from yourself. Did you have an abusive childhood with lots of abandonment, catering to alcoholic or neglectful parents?

Because you are basically describing your own life at a distance. A giant dog followed you home, shits on your carpet, bites your hand as much as it licks it, and you think it is your job to train it and give it a comfortable home? Its not. You can’t make a silk purse out of this sow’s ear.