OLD for people in professional roles?

[Pinkfizzed]

I have posted on similar themes before. Is there a specific OLD app / site which attracts people who are mid to senior professionals in terms of career, in their early to mid 40s?

I'm a single mother - work in a fairly senior role in London. I have been on Bumble and Elite singles for a couple of months now with no success. Elite singles- Lots of interest from much older men - none of whom i particularly liked after exchanging messages, many seemed to be in blue collar jobs (despite what the name of the site seems to auggest). Bumble- met a couple of people. The only person I did like meeting has ghosted me! I need some sort of common ground with anyone I date and more likely to find this in people in similar careers/ roles as me.

Haven't tried Tinder yet. I am quite time poor so by all accounts that didn't sound like it would work for me. Any recommendations, please?

• the league - all professionals
• guardian dating

OP, face facts, your concerns with money and class reveal you as a snob. You'll find dating (and life in general) easier and more fun if you admit that to yourself. For example, there was a thread here recently where someone described going on a (rather successful) date with her plumber. Would you do that?

No first hand experience, but a friend of mine met someone on a site called Ivory Towers which is apparently for graduates only.

I think where you’re going wrong is assuming you’ll have no shared interests with someone because of their job.

Obviously you are entitled to your preferences, but if you’re limiting yourself to professional roles only, you will be cutting the dating market down to a quarter. You also aren’t really any different from the men who are looking for someone much younger.

From my experience, plumbers and other successful tradesmen are usually married relatively young and stay happily married. They also do quite well financially, have paid off their mortgages and seem to have a nice, settled life.

The problem with trades in my view is that the physical work often knackers their bodies by a certain age. I dated a plumber years ago and his knees and back were bad due to the work, and he was only late 40s then. Someone doing hard physical work into their 60s is usually not going to be in great physical condition. Sure someone with a desk job can be unfit but I think they're less likely to have serious problems.

A relative of mine was a successful builder, built up his own company. He's always ate like a horse which was fine when he was moving all the time but now at 60 he's morbidly obese. As he did less of the physical work, he still ate at the same rate and the weight just piled on. True him and his wife have been together for decades and are happy, but she's virtually his carer now, at only 60.

I'm sure there's exceptions but generally speaking, someone is going to be in better shape in old age if they haven't had a hard physical job all their lives.

are there also a lot of plumbers/builders who are looking for professional women who are lawyers/accountants/etc? I doubt it very much!

I had a cut off of "professional men" when OLD, but that would include office workers/chaps in IT/academics/scientists etc. I did say graduates but my bloke actually has no degree (but is high in IT world).

its a tough world out there as 40/50 year old on online dating. they all want sub 40 generally. or no kids if they have no kids and want someone who doesn't want kids themselves.

Women are more likely to initiate divorce than men because post-divorce men are more likely to have to leave the family home and live apart from their children than women (although this is now evening out in terms of family court rulings, it takes time for behavioural change to follow).

Is this a London thing, the age stuff? It's so weird and grim. The relationships I see up North are the same ages apart from the rare outlier.
It's like the men don't grow up down there. How weird to not like women who are literally their age 🤯

It’s weird isn’t it? Though I also think that many men go younger because the women the same age are wise to their BS and reject them!

im not saying younger women are naive, but I definitely think you are less likely to put up with crap as an older woman.

that’s definitely the case with my ex. He’s with a younger gf, but it’s because the several women his own age he dated got rid of him!

@Disturbia81 might be a London thing…simply because there’s so many people out there- gives the illusion of choice

Wow, lots of judgement here. To be expected. But I am not dating as a single person without time constraints. I am looking for curated "leads" since i am short of time. And yes- I am more likely to find common ground with people who have a degree and in a similar ish level in their career than with a plumber. There will always be exceptions but I am thinking of averages here, not the outliers.

Thanks- I will check 'the league'. Guardian dating is no more, sadly.

I only know one are gal couple in real life - he’s 59 shes 38 - but on OLD it really does seem a thing where men are chasing women 10/15/20 years their junior. And these are not well preserved youthful looking men. They look their age.

Im 58 and well presented, still very active socially and yet Ive had several messages from men over 70, one 74 year old who got really arsey when I (very politely) told him I was looking for someone one closer to my own age and told me I had an ageist prejudiced attitude! My loss eh

I am talking about the initial stages of meeting people and figuring if i want to progress. For the right person, i will make time. I'm at the top of the funnel right now- more volume (presumably). If things progress, there will be some incentive to investing time.

My friend in her early 40s has just married a lovely man of the same age that she met through OLD, both professionals (which was important to her, although I was one of the people saying she should broaden her criteria!). She was using OLD for a few years, had a small number of other promising leads that turned out not to be the right men for her, but were also similar age and what she was looking for. She developed a very ruthless sorting system, I think if you take the approach that the swiping and sorting becomes a bit of admin that you do once a week or so rather than something fun to do, and if you don't give second-chances to obvious write-offs, only message and meet with promising men, even if that means weeks in between first dates... then you do have a good chance of meeting some nice, same age, men with similar interests to you, it just seems to take a long time, and a lot of people burn out beforehand. And obviously the more criteria you add in to do with background, job, height, or whatever else, the longer it takes.

im in my 40s and met one in his 40s, on bumble.
i think you can filter by education so university educated can be an indication.
Although I didn’t want to be too narrow and was open minded. Tbf I think bf/DP was open minded too and not necessarily looking for just “a professional” we just hit it off

@TwistedWonder - I can say it is also true for people in real life in the sense that I have been asked out by men 10+ older through various networks. Last weekend I was at lunch where a gentlemen who looked like my Dad (70) was keen to make conversation with me and my friend (30s-mid 40s) and very keen. I think the point you are making there aren’t that many couples in real life where this is indeed the case. I only know a handful of couples with 15 year difference where they met at work (second marriage for the man) in a professional setting.

I have a degree and professional role, I dated a plumber once. He may not of been like me work wise but he was brilliant at doing stuff around the house, litrally fixed everything that was broken in my house. It didn’t last, I didn’t feel comfortable with the way he spoke about his ex wife but I have to say he was incredibly supportive of my job.

But realistically how much time would you be able to invest, if you have the kids full-time during term-time? Are you looking for someone who would eventually live with you and your kids or keep it quite compartmentalised? If you’re that short on time, then you probably don’t want to waste time with someone who doesn’t want the same dynamic in the longer run (whether living together or apart).

I met DP on Tinder (we’re both in our 40’s with kids from previous marriages) and it’s been a challenge figuring out the balance. Currently we keep it quite compartmentalised and mostly spend time together when we don’t have the kids. How would a prospective partner fit into your current living arrangement?

I would also echo what PP said, the type of man you are looking for isn’t looking for a woman like him - I had more luck (and fun) dating when I stopped treating dates like some kind of job interview.

I have no intention of moving in with anyone or vice versa as of now. I'm sure it would need work to keep it compartmentalized but surely the fact I have children who spend a lot of their time with me shouldn't mean that I should just give up looking for a relationship with a man for the next several years?

I think @Autumnblackberries has a point.

I am early 30's and doing OLD, I am a low earner/slightly below average. The men I have been dating from OLD have been 10+ years older than me and earning in the 100's of thousands.

I have very little compared to them but it doesn't seem to bother them.

No of course not, there is no exact science to this and people are only giving your there experience. No one can guarantee you will find what you want any time soon but also it could happen too,

don’t mean to be goady, but I don’t understand the point you’re making? Are you saying men are most likely to leave ( so are actually the ones ending the relationship)?

Even in married couples, women are more likely to express dissatisfaction in their marriage than men. It may be the case that men are more likely to have affairs ( but am actually not sure on the figures) , but they’re often happier to stay in a bad relationship than women- I think it comes down to the fact they are lazy.

women are usually more likely to end the relationship- and who can blame them when many men do the bare minimum in relationships?

I met my DP on Bumble and met a couple of other very decent blokes who meet your criteria. You need to def expand the age range or lie about your age. Or both. I did both! I put myself just under a major age cutoff and expanded it out to a wider older age range.
I used the Bumble criteria to weed out people who were miles away (am in London and so v lazy!) And also I prioritised men who had kids so they kind of "got" my situation. Meet for a coffee first and then decide if you'll meet again. Don't waste time in texting, basically decide early doors if you'll meet. Meet up for a max of 30 mins and then decide. If they don't agree to this, ditch. Spend no time pouding over seemingly nice guys who don't meet your must haves and I also excluded any guys who were "too handsome". I'm OK looking but not particularly stunning and I find the beautiful men tended to be worst behaved (ghosting etc).