OLD for people in professional roles?

[Pinkfizzed]

I have posted on similar themes before. Is there a specific OLD app / site which attracts people who are mid to senior professionals in terms of career, in their early to mid 40s?

I'm a single mother - work in a fairly senior role in London. I have been on Bumble and Elite singles for a couple of months now with no success. Elite singles- Lots of interest from much older men - none of whom i particularly liked after exchanging messages, many seemed to be in blue collar jobs (despite what the name of the site seems to auggest). Bumble- met a couple of people. The only person I did like meeting has ghosted me! I need some sort of common ground with anyone I date and more likely to find this in people in similar careers/ roles as me.

Haven't tried Tinder yet. I am quite time poor so by all accounts that didn't sound like it would work for me. Any recommendations, please?

i think it’s more a question of making it clear on your profile what you’re looking for - and being clear. Most men use the main platforms as far as I can see. Bumble, Tinder, Hinge… don’t be afraid to spell out what you want.
I think the dating sites that proclaim to be for ‘professional’ career people, age 40+, etc are a bit of a dead loss and potentially attract the opposite. I met my partner (50+, uni educated, professional, self employed etc etc) on Tinder.

Yeah - I think the idea of dating apps for professional people hasn’t really taken off.

i found Bumble and hinge had enough of that type, but maybe depends on where you are OP?

I live in London and would’ve said most that were in my age range were professional/ educated nice enough blokes.
obviously you get the odd one who is in a a blue collar job, but I didnt need to actively filter anyone out.

tbh I didn’t think about it, but most middle aged men I matched with were professional

You're in a catch 22 position. Professional men your age (and mine) don't want intelligent professional (age appropriate) women like us.
They need to be needed.
Therefore they date women 10 years younger than themselves, often much lower earners or lesser professional status so their ego isn't threatened.
Honestly your choice is between a geriatric man or being single.
I choose my kids, my friends and my pets over becoming an old age nurse to a man I don't want or fancy.
It's sad but I'm getting there with acceptance of it.
Sorry.

The type of person I think you may have in mind is perhaps 2-5% of the population

DP & I are both what you describe: we met on match.com. I think that all the usual sites have a broad range of users & you just have to filter - like in life

That said: I think telegraph/times dating or similar might be what you are looking for

PS - lawyer friend met her now DH age 42 on Hinge, other friends have had success on Bumble

If this is what you want, just keep going. It can be done, it just might not be quick/easy to meet the right person

Also - there are so many (disproportionate number of) child free singles in London that this may make things harder for you meeting a man of similar age

My single male friends prefer to date childfree women, I don’t (yet) have many divorced couples I know so can’t tell you about the men’s preferences

Do you think you are young to be a single parent & professional in London? I think divorce is more common in 50s so that might be narrowing your pool. But you only need to find 1 person so keep at it

Hi OP, I’m very different background to you (my username says it all😂) however I’ve been able to meet plenty of successful professionals through the main apps (Hinge, Tinder and Bumble), and I’m below average and in low skilled work. I’m based in London though which has more career driven people

As other pp said I think you have a better chance on the mainstream apps but filtering through rather than smaller ones. Good luck, online dating can be exhausting x

Sadly realizing from all I read and experience that it's going to be really tough for me- no respite after years of an abusive marriage.

1. Men in their 40s aren't looking for women in their 40s
2. Many childfree single woman in London.

1. I'm really pressed for time

How does one even filter on Bumble? Their criteria don't have much granularity

I mean this kindly OP but you say you're pushed for time, you have a demanding job and at least one child. It doesn't really sound like you have capacity to add a new relationship to your life right now?

Hi OP

you may be right that men in their 40s don’t want to meet similar age women, my DP is 10 years older.

i was mainly meeting men 2-5 years older. Many of those had kids, some were open to meeting women with DC, some not

if you are prepared for it to be rough you will not let it get you down

Re time: yes and Londoners want someone just around the corner too 😡

i think if you can have a phone or video call before meeting it might tell you a lot and save time

Good luck. Persistence pays. I has a rough time dating but seeing my friends find partners (eventually) helped me

Re filtering: I did it on education (not sure all apps have that option). It’s v quick to work out from the profile/chat

I think this was the least of my worries tbh (although limited numbers). Problems were more : ghosting, poor behaviour, men looking for a shag, men who ‘don’t know what they want’ , men not fancying me/me not into them, and avoidants who cannot face a relationship. I reckon I’ve unwittingly probably spoken to a few men who were married, & plenty who were not yet fully divorced and so not in a position to date

However: you only need to meet 1 decent man. Also try to have friends introduce you/build a broad social network

and do the inner work to heal from your prior relationship: or you will attract the same again by having poor boundaries

My (slightly woo) tip: really look at the face picture hard. I think you can tell a lot about if someone is ‘your kind of person’ from the face (we are evolved to read faces)

Other friends have written a ‘list’ of what they want and stuck to it - this helps focus

I think it taking a couple of years and a few short relationships to meet a decent partner is pretty normal, you might meet someone sooner

Can you also meet someone in real life - kids activities, a sport, through your wider friends & wider acquaintances

I know 2 women in my industry who married men they met in vendor companies (we commission professional services for our companies). Can you go to conferences, professional networking etc to meet others. Let people know you are single - especially other women who may fix you up (my friends tried!)

Men in their 40s also love cycling, running, hiking etc I find - do some of that. Better a healthy fit man than 1 you look after

I’m not sure about London but Elite singles seems to have a smaller pool of people near me which doesn’t make it impossible but perhaps harder to find the right person.
I don’t think anyone has mentioned plenty of fish, okcupid or eharmony which are other dating sites.
My approach is to do a lot of screening based on their profile information before I start talking to them. That has been successful for me. I went on OK Cupid, did a lot of ground work, messages back and forth to about 5 people, narrowed it down to who I wanted to meet in a couple of weeks and I’m still with that guy a couple of years later. He’s within a couple of years of my age, is professional (got a degree) although I do have more earning potential but that doesn’t bother me (or him I presume). This isn’t my first experience of OLD but it’s not been the disaster area that others talk about. I’ve been lucky by the sounds of it. I’d definitely choose a site with lots of information & be very clear what you are looking for on your profile (without being too overbearing). I like OK Cupid as there is a profile that they can write a bit on under different categories but also hundreds of questions to answer and leave a comment on (if they choose to). You get a percentage score to say how much you match based on the questions you answer but you have to take the time to answer them. I would also say don’t rule people out based on their photo unless it’s really obvious you wouldn’t be attracted to them. The guy I’m with looks quite different in person to his photos and is definitely more attractive in person.
In terms of lack of time, it can be hard to date with limited time so be aware of that. I find it a real juggle even though I’m past the initial dating stage. I’m with someone that has very limited time due to work & childcare commitments. This suits me as then I don’t feel pressure to see him all the time (with time I don’t have) but means trying to match up child free time can be tricky. The younger the kids are the harder this is as you can’t leave them but possibly easier in that they are likely to be more accepting of the new partner (if you choose to introduce them down the line).
Good luck.

You are allowed to date someone with a different educational or professional background, even (gasp) someone with a ‘blue collar job’. You are ruling out quite a large chunk of the population.

I did a lot of internet dating in London - the sites from broadsheet newspapers had the largest percentage of what you would call ‘suitable’ men (i.e. have a degree and wear a suit🙄). I’d encourage you to open your mind a bit though - I up marrying and having two kids with someone I hooked up with on Tinder who wears a TRACKSUIT to work 😱

What do you mean by “professional” and why is it so important? Would you rule out for instance, someone who is a relatively successful self employed plumber? If so maybe think about why.

I have a friend who’s determined to only date high earning lawyers or bankers and it’s always bemoaning the fact she’s single. Baffling really when I’m sure she could be very happy with a man lovely man in another job.

I’m not saying you should just completely disregard a man’s job and shack up with someone unemployed or earning a lot less than you, but might be worth having less rigid criteria.

I find your comment very patronising. Most women don’t care what clothes a man wears to work, they care about compatibility, a similar background or outlook on life.

It’s not about not being “ allowed” to do it - what a patronising thing to say ! It’s about what they want - other women are allowed to make their own choices and have boundaries that are different from yours.

Also as you say that you married and had two kids with your partner, you were probably younger and at a different life stage than the Op, who already has children ( and says nothing about wanting more).

This is so true

@YaWeeFurryBastard I use this is as a filtering criteria - loose proxy for shared interests and life experiences. Doesn't have to be a rich banker. I don't have much free time outside work and children and need to be good at filtering. Not that I am getting loads of interest using my filters! Many people who "like" me on bumble never bother replying if I do message them.

I’m a professional man around about your age and I’m on a first date this afternoon with woman who is in a ‘blue collar’ job.

Being ‘needed’ has nothing to do with it. We’ve chatted for a week or so and she appears incredibly independent and looking for something extra in her life which is pretty much where I am.

Previous posters have made this point but why are you so hung up on them having a professional role? There is so much more to people than what job they do and you may well be missing out on some potential partners

@Slackbladder22
FWIW I don't give a hoot about profession. It was the OP's question.
My ex husband didn't have a degree (self employed) I adored him but he left.
It's the men who seem to have the problem with a woman having a higher salary and self reliance.

@BeanBeliever how I wish I could meet someone in real life. Drawn a blank among my fairly large network of friends (and their friends) which seems to consist solely of couples or single women. What happened to the single men?! No one at work either.
My children are still young and I have a complex childcare situation where they are mostly entirely with me during term time. So my first meet up with any OLD prospect has to be in a tight hour between work and when my nanny leaves for the day. I do make my time constraints clear on my profile though.

I do look at the pics hard. Some of them make me wonder why any man would willingly pose like that for a dating app.

Met on elite, very senior level so they are on there, but remember the algorithm needs time match you. I would look at your profile

But profession isn’t necessarily an indicator of shared interests. I know plenty of men in “high ranking” professions who openly admit they can’t stand the theatre and would rather be getting drunk at the football with their mates to give you an example. Also you might meet someone who’s open to trying new things that you enjoy?

And i realised quickly that men in their 50's were mostly looking for a child free woman in their 30's wanting to have children whereas in my mid 40's I had adult children and not having more. AIM a little older

When I was dating I avoided elite singles like the plague. Stories from friends tell me the blokes on there certainly think of themselves as “elite” with the arrogance and expectations to match! (I’m sure there are exceptions).