OLD for people in professional roles?

[Pinkfizzed]

I have posted on similar themes before. Is there a specific OLD app / site which attracts people who are mid to senior professionals in terms of career, in their early to mid 40s?

I'm a single mother - work in a fairly senior role in London. I have been on Bumble and Elite singles for a couple of months now with no success. Elite singles- Lots of interest from much older men - none of whom i particularly liked after exchanging messages, many seemed to be in blue collar jobs (despite what the name of the site seems to auggest). Bumble- met a couple of people. The only person I did like meeting has ghosted me! I need some sort of common ground with anyone I date and more likely to find this in people in similar careers/ roles as me.

Haven't tried Tinder yet. I am quite time poor so by all accounts that didn't sound like it would work for me. Any recommendations, please?

Yes sorry, should have made clear I was referring to the op in the last bit of my comment.

Just done a quick google and it seems roughly 21% of roles in the UK are professional (no idea if that’s reliable but seems reasonable) so op is immediately ruling out circa 79% of potential partners by only going for people in professional jobs

Really? That’s gross but to be honest I can believe it. I was lucky enough to meet DH (online) in my late 20s but I’m in my 30s now as are many of my friends and we certainly wouldn’t be considering a 50 year old as a potential partner. These men must be deluded.

Deluded is the word! I’m married but when I’m out in London and get attention, it’s always from men in their 50s, sometimes overweight and really not my type! I don’t know in what world they think I’d be interested (I’m mid 30s) and my DH is slim attractive and younger than me! I think London is part of the problem.

@YaWeeFurryBastard deluded. Yes mostly. But some of the more attractive/fit age 50+ guys get lucky pairing up with a late 30s woman who is running out of time for kids. They then start a second family following divorce.
Some also attract other much younger women with poor boundaries.
But in my experience they don't consider age-appropriate women as an option.
I suppose in much the same way I don't consider.much older men to be an option for me.

I wasn’t trying to patronise anyone. Sorry OP if it sounded like that! My point was exactly that compatibility doesn’t depend on what clothes you wear/what job you do.

The OP posted that she was finding it difficult to find someone suitable, and I was suggesting maybe her criteria are overly restrictive, given that she already has constraints (not much time for dating, less men of her own age on OLD); and giving an example from my own experience of how it can work out well dating outside your ‘typical’ type.

Obviously everyone makes their own choices, but one would assume that in posting on a site like this and inviting comment, that the the OP has at least a passing interest in hearing people’s opinions and experiences!

I don't think screening people out by jobs is particularly useful. I work in a managers role in IT and haven't really enjoyed dating other men at my level in IT or any other jobs at that level either.
For me its lifestyle, my partner doesn't have a degree but he does run a bike job which is kind of cool. We do have similar lives outside work though, we're both in to fitness, doing similar stuff at the weekend as well as eating and drinking similar foods. I earn more money than him but have higher outgoings too. He's far more careful with his money, doesn't own a credit card and more likely to go on a budget holiday camping than the AI holidays I take my kids on. Swings and roundabouts isn't it?

Hi OP - do not put your time restrictions on your profile. I would find this incredibly off putting. I was looking for a partner/to be a priority

Fitting me in between work & the nanny knocking off does not give off ‘priority’ vibes! It’s good to be honest but do that after chatting (say you have your kids with you a lot of the time), arrange first meet up as ‘a quick drink to see how we get on’ & then just leave when you have to (if they like you they will get over that!)

And go on a couple of dates before talking about how limited your time is : because if a man is attracted to you he will make an effort

No one is going to make an effort for a stranger/a face on an app. At the start we are looking to fulfill our OWN needs , once you get to know someone you are willing to compromise on some things (time, distance etc), because you really like THEM

i think you are over-limiting your pool

If you are chatting and they stop responding just move on and don’t waste time

Also, there are plenty of men who JUST want to chat (married, dating someone early stages, impotent !!!, avoidant attachment, confidence issues, does a job with lots of free time …)

Get them on a video call if they are a chatter and if they can’t meet you within 1-2 weeks they are not interested

Very sensible advice, @BeanBeliever. thanks

Its a real hard balance of being honest but not making yourself look unavailable when talking about your time constraints.

It's only now that my children are in their teens with my oldest being 17yrs and I'm in my mid 40s that I have managed to start dating successfully again as they are old enough to be left at home so I have so much more freedom.

Only going for professionals like you who also may be unavailable due to outside commitments like children I think it will be challenging as its a very small pool. You might have to hold tight and wait it out or maybe look for someone nice who is supporting and understands your situation. Almost certainly there will have to be compromise.

Having spent my whole working life in the financial sector working with investment bankers, fund managers etc - I wouldn’t touch one of those professionals with a barge pole.

@Pinkfizzed

Have you thought about something more personal than OLD, OP?

I met the founder of Sara Eden when I consulted them - it could be what you are looking for.

https://www.sara-eden.co.uk/successful-introductions/

I don’t think filtering by occupation or class is particularly helpful, I think other things like values, treating people with respect, hobbies, interests are a much better indicator of compatibility. I was on match filtering by education but decided to date a few guys without degrees, one was a plumber who was lovely and after five years I am still with dp who doesn’t have a degree but has a highly paid city job but also lots of funny stories of manual labour jobs he had in his twenties. In contrast I now look at my exh - who I hear is on bumble - and think he may be highly paid and professional but he doesn’t really have any interests other than drinking with work colleagues and I suppose he’s quite a nice guy (ie not abusive) but fairly boring and only a catch if you want someone on a high salary.

I know OLD as a woman in your 40’s is grim, but want to re-frame some of the worst realities which are on this thread ( and I have to admit I’ve agreed with in the past)

OLD is depressing and grim because many, many men are grim. The best ones get snapped up in late teens/ early 20’s, and decent guys are far less likely to get divorced. But there are nice guys out there. It just takes longer to find them.

Yes - many men my age ( late 40’s) are looking for someone much younger. But I’d say a man who is looking for a much younger woman is basically a bit of a closet misogynist who values a woman as a status symbol.

They are not looking for an equal. ( even though many of the young women they chase are intelligent and confident). They want to be the senior partner in a relationship, and while it may work for some, these younger women need to be careful if they start out earning him or being more successful in the long run.

you don’t want one of those creeps.

so where does this leave older women? Well, it means fewer choice, but you only need to find one decent guy.

I met my current partner irl- he’s only a couple of years older and isn’t looking for a younger partner. We get on because we have the same cultural references.

it took bloody ages though! And I stopped looking and met him doing a hobby I love

If OLD in one's 40s is grim, I shudder to think what it would be like in my 50s since I will be there in half a dozen years. Even worse, I imagine. Just feel like I have had a crap personal life forever. Yes- the decent heterosexual men mostly seem to be taken.

I suggest you join and/or read the Dating thread. In summary: dating in your 40s is beyond grim so most professional single women including me have or giving up particularly on OLD. Unless you are looking for casual fun/sex, it is a waste of time and effort unless you perhaps look at potential partners who are 10-15 years older and have raised their kids and are looking to date younger women so possibly prepared to make a commitment. I didn’t find any of them attractive though.
A number of my 40s friends did find a partner in their 40s but it was IRL and outside the 40s age range - younger or older- or without university education/working class type jobs.

TBF in your 50s it should get better as you will have more time to date as your children get older. Sadly I think it's all relevant to what is going on in your life at the time. OLD is grim though full stop.

Don’t mean to make it sounds too dismal @Pinkfizzed

despite my grumblings, I have met a few decent guys on it, and two who I ended up in relationships with. I started on dating apps at 42.

to be fair, I don’t remember my 20’s being awash with great guys…I suppose they were all just a bit thinner and with full heads of hair.

I think it’s just better to be prepared. You will meet a good one - it just takes a longer. but don’t be disheartened if you don’t find a great guy straight away.

and don’t settle.

I’d say focus on building a happy social life - it will make you less bothered when the dating hits a dry patch.

and don’t worry about getting older- the men are too. And there are men out there who want an age appropriate partner. ( the ones who want a young woman are dicks anyway, so you are losing nothing)

The saddest thing is women in their 40’s are at their peak. They look great, are interesting, confident and settled in careers etc.

the men just don’t seem to be the same calibre.

i don’t envy the younger women who the men in their 40’s are after either. They aren’t interested in them as a person…which goes back to main problem that men are a bit shit.

also - even among friends who are ‘happily’ married - most are actually really fed up with their partners,
so the grass isn’t greener

Have you tried matchmaking? More expensive but high success rate. Laura Buckley from Brighton is on Instagram and secret Alchemy is her website. She is Laura Buckley Matchmaker on LinkedIn Threads etc

Bear in mind that this is the relationships board of a website for women - you will not get a representative sample if opinions and experiences here as most posters will be here after having had problems in their relationships, eg not being with great men. There are plenty of nice men out there, and (shock) some of them are even divorced. It doesn't make any more sense to say 'decent guys are far less likely to get divorced', to take one comment on this thread, than it does to say 'decent women are far less likely to get divorced'

Dating in your 50’s should be easier as kids are now adults and there’s more free time. Unfortunately there seem to be a lot more good calibre single women in that age group than men.
I’ve recently tried OLD and to be frank the men my age group are a pretty grim bunch. And I’ve been sent messages by men in the 70’s 😫

Thankfully I’ve got several single friends and a great social circle so a msn is a nice to have rather than something that’s a big deal because the pickings at 50+ are slimmer than Posh Spice

Oh I agree. More time to date but less choices. So many men who don't have their shit together as well.

As another pp said, your life sounds quite full. What do you have to offer this relationship you're seeking, seeing as you don't have much free time outside work and childcare. Are you just looking for someone who'd neatly slot into the little gap left in your life? Do you think someone would be okay with this? Would you, if the tables were turned?

I’m afraid it does make sense- women are far more likely to initiate divorce than men. It does take two to make a relationship work and while there are good men out there- statistically there’s a higher chance the divorced man has been the problem.

not always the case - but often.

people in their 40’s OLD are only there because previous relationships haven’t worked out, so all of them Have been in unsuccessful relationships…the reasons are varied, but you’re not going to meet anyone on there without baggage

I'm 55 and I gave up about 7 or 8 years ago. Realistically, as others have said, at my age I'd really only be attracting those of 65+ which is not for me.

For one, I'm still working and will be for at least another 10 years (health permitting) whereas a 65yr old man will either be retired or close to it. I find it hard enough to feel motivated about work now, so having a retired partner wouldn't help that. I also have a huge fear of ending up being someone's carer. Might be different if it was someone I'd been married to for 40 years but I'm not taking it on now.

I went through a bit of a mourning period where I came to terms with the fact I will probably be single for the rest of my life now. I've chosen to focus on the positives, of which there are many.