Should I just go home? Support needed

[FromCrisisToCrisis]

Will try and keep this brief.

Usually in happy relationship with dp. We are both divorcees, do not live together and both have kids ( mine much older). M

To cut a long story short, we had a child free holiday booked but I had to cancel it and move to next year. This was due to ex fil becoming sick abroad and going into ucu. There is no way I could go away as needed to support my dc, who went yesterday morning with their dad to be with their grandad. My x H and older dc came back from abroad just to take the younger Dc back with them. I have a cert close relationship with fil and if I’m honest I should have gone with dc to support them plus I was welcome to go. I held back as I knew this would be one step too far for my dp ( and I understand it).

Today older dc said they will call me at 2.30pm uk time so I said this to my dp so we could have our lunchtime walk before that. I want to be home as it’s a good bye call and I’ve been crying all week. Anyway, we was late for the walk and as we set off I said I’ll walk back on my own after half hour. He then started laying into my older dc saying that they always dominate my moods ect. I asked him to stop because although dc1 is difficult, this wasn’t the time. He carried on so I turned back. He came after me and asked me to come back. He didn’t apologise and it did escalate into an arguement, I was in tears and he’s left me. I Am staying at his home till tomorrow then will back to mine. I am wondering whether it’s inappropriate for me to be grieving my fil but I am in pain too because my dc are in pieces. It feels like my heart is being ripped out. I am also thinking it’s not appropriate for me to be at dps house as this is relating to my ex’s family. I want to go home but I don’t want to make it worse. Dp is meant to be staying over at my house with his dc for the weekend. Sorry, I’ve really gone on. Hand hold needed

It's not about appropriateness. Someone is dying who you had a good relationship and was in your life for a significant time. It doesn't matter that that person is related to your ex, a good partner would support you not pick fights. He doesn't like your son either. I think he has shown you his true colours. If being with your exFiL and supporting your son's was important to you he should have encouraged you to go, not made you choose.

If you believe you will be safe enough to drive home, then I would go later this afternoon.

This sounds horrible for you. I am sorry that your FIL is dying and that you weren't able to say good bye to him in person. I appreciate relationships which follow marriages and where each person has children must be hard (and I am not in that situation myself) but I would be expecting for more support from my DP in a situation like this. Obviously it relates to your Ex's family but really your DP needs to grow up. I would go home and then next time I saw him I would have explain why I felt he was being unreasonable and why I felt unsupported. Depending on what he said I might end the relationship. Your Ex is going to eb a part of your life forever, you have kids together; unless he can be mature about it and prioritise YOU in an emotionally difficult time then I would call it a day.

@Singleandproud I am just in a state of shock tbh. It’s like a few crises points have really tested our relationship and I don’t like or understand what I’m seeing. My father in law is more of a dad to me than my own, he’s always been lovely too me and the dc. And he’s suffering right now so badly that it’s killing me, I can’t stop crying. I was always in regular contact with him and mil.

You are not wrong for grieving a former FIL as you had a good relationship with him. Your DP is in the wrong here especially in regards to complaining about your DC who will be grieving their grandfather. I think it's just as well you found his true colours now rather than down the road where you would possibly have moved in together.

You are allowed to be upset about your former father in law. You. Yourself. Not just because it is upsetting for your DC. If your partner can't understand that you divorced your XH and not his family (who are also your children's family) then your partner is the one with the problem.

My mum and dad divorced very unamicably. She still visited his mother and grieved her death almost 20 years after their divorce.
She cared for his older brother when he had cancer (during Covid and she worked in the hospital but would take his washing and make meals for him).

If your in laws were lovely and you got on well and were close to them just because a marriage doesn't work out there is no reason to not still care about those people.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Tell DP you need some time as you are upset over saying goodbye to a very nice man who you respected and cared for. Take yourself off home and speak to DC as often as needed without his nonsense stressing you further.

I'd also expect an apology.

You feel how you feel so of course it's OK to grieve for someone who was part of your family and who you still feel close to. No one has the right to deny you your grief.
And of course you want to be there to support your children.
Your DP isn't behaving well at the very time when he should be supporting you. He is showing you who he is.
You are doing the right thing by going home where you are needed and where your heart, quite rightly, is at the moment.

He’s being a complete prick. Go home. He’s made you even more upset at a very difficult painful time and all you asked for was basic support and understanding. This is what he’s like when the chips are down, an utter disappointment. I’m so sorry.

A bit off topic but why does he come
to stay with you when he has his children?

Is it too late to still fly out? This is a man you love. It's plain you're hurt at not saying goodbye. And your partner's being an ass no matter what.

Go home if you can. You are upset because someone you cared about is nearing the end of life; it doesn't matter that it's your ex's dad. I'd be thinking long and hard over a future relationship with your partner if he doesn't understand that.

Only because there is event we are attending this weekend and it’s near my home plus we were going to see my parents.

Personally I’d be going home, cancelling the weekend and assessing the future.

I wonder if in all those points of crisis whether you are the one to 'compromise' and lose out. I would go home if you are safe to drive or get a taxi / public transport. I wouldn't expect to have him or his DC at your whilst you are grieving unless he is coming to be supportive - really I like to think I'd dump him as I wouldn't like how he is behaving but now might not be the time for making big decisions (or maybe it's the perfect time)

In regards to his claim that DC1 dominates your moods and your admission that they are difficult what is his relationship like with both your DC in general? On both sides.

I agree with the PPs saying you should go home if safe, cancel the weekend plans and re-think your relationship. It doesn't sound like your partner actually truly cares about your wellbeing in these difficult times and support you. You shouldn't have to choose not to join your kids to say goodbye to ex FIL who is a big part of their and your life.

This. He sounds controlling and immature. I can’t see it getting any better. To be jealous of your husband is one thing but to be resentful of your children is unacceptable. Move on without him.

There is nothing inappropriate about grieving for your FIL, feeling your DCs pain, or being at you current partner's home whilst you do so.

The only thing inappropriate here is him.

How was he about the holiday cancellation? Is this a long sulk perchance? He can clearly see you are upset and he is making a difficult time worse. Have you ever been ill around him? How does he cope with that? Some people don't seem to have a sympathy gene and just concerned about themselves and he is showing hints of that.

Go home and if it's not too late go and see your ex-FIL. Your new DP should not be dictating how appropriate it is for you to do this. Stop trying to please him - he clearly isn't into pleasing you.

Your partner doesn’t have the emotional maturity to let you grieve your ex FiL. That is pretty poor to say the least. I cannot believe he felt it okay to stop you saying goodbye to someone.

If you’re safe to drive then leave early and go home and grieve with your family. You can sort man child out later.

Im sorry for your loss

Absolutely go. How dare he? Don’t question yourself!

I’d go home, this isn’t going to get better by the weekend, so I’m not sure that’s feasible,

he maybe finding it hard the fact you’re so emotional about your ex in law, reading more into it. Sometimes people can be funny. I’d not end it right now, but I’d just key an eye.

Sorry but your DP should not get to dictate who you care for or your response when something happens to one of them. It sounds as though he is deeply jealous/insecure of your exH and that is a him problem.

Frankly, you should have felt you could go and say goodbye to a person who has been a significant influence on and presence in your life, whether he is related to your ex or not. This would make me question whether I liked, let alone cared for, my DP. The lack of compassion for FiL, you or children AND the laying into your DC would make this DP and exDP.

He got back half an hour ago and the first thing he said horribly was “ Did you DC call then?”. To which I replied yes but they got cut off in icu, my niece then called and said once they are allowed to go back into icu they will call. I did get to speak to fil and tell him I loved him, and told him how much my do enjoyed him stayed over at Ex’s house in May which was the last time they saw him before they went abroad 💔 I am a crying mess, meant to be working, I can’t drive back now as I’m not good and it’s an hour drive.

Dc1 doesn’t want to know as handled divorce badly and is adament I shouldn’t have a partner ( which is wrong). It’s harder when you have d older dc. He gets in great dc2 and seems to genuinely care about them. So there is resentment as dc1 attitude can make things tough so I try to just see him when my dc are not there .