Should I just go home? Support needed

[FromCrisisToCrisis]

Will try and keep this brief.

Usually in happy relationship with dp. We are both divorcees, do not live together and both have kids ( mine much older). M

To cut a long story short, we had a child free holiday booked but I had to cancel it and move to next year. This was due to ex fil becoming sick abroad and going into ucu. There is no way I could go away as needed to support my dc, who went yesterday morning with their dad to be with their grandad. My x H and older dc came back from abroad just to take the younger Dc back with them. I have a cert close relationship with fil and if I’m honest I should have gone with dc to support them plus I was welcome to go. I held back as I knew this would be one step too far for my dp ( and I understand it).

Today older dc said they will call me at 2.30pm uk time so I said this to my dp so we could have our lunchtime walk before that. I want to be home as it’s a good bye call and I’ve been crying all week. Anyway, we was late for the walk and as we set off I said I’ll walk back on my own after half hour. He then started laying into my older dc saying that they always dominate my moods ect. I asked him to stop because although dc1 is difficult, this wasn’t the time. He carried on so I turned back. He came after me and asked me to come back. He didn’t apologise and it did escalate into an arguement, I was in tears and he’s left me. I Am staying at his home till tomorrow then will back to mine. I am wondering whether it’s inappropriate for me to be grieving my fil but I am in pain too because my dc are in pieces. It feels like my heart is being ripped out. I am also thinking it’s not appropriate for me to be at dps house as this is relating to my ex’s family. I want to go home but I don’t want to make it worse. Dp is meant to be staying over at my house with his dc for the weekend. Sorry, I’ve really gone on. Hand hold needed

Once you feel able to please drive home. Just the description of his question tells of the tone he used which I'm assuming is a very sarcastic one. At least you managed to speak to your FIL.

@Kerkyra2024 exactly was sarcastic and menacing.

Sending you huge hugs. This is the last thing you need right now

It's not about appropriatness... You are sad and your DP is being a dick about it. It's that simple. If I was sad my DP would give me a hug, be kind, make me dinner etc.. He might be a bit confused about why I was that bothered about my ex-FIL but he'd keep that to himself until I was feeling better and then explore it in a really tactful way or maybe not at all and just accept that I was sad and needed him.

I think after this (assuming you don't ditch his miserable unsupportive arse) you may need to sit down with him and talk over what sort of support you need / expect in future during difficult times.

This. Go home. Cancel the weekend. If you can go and see FIL do so.

You decide what is appropriate for you, not your partner. I find it odd you put his feelings before yours and DCs.

Do what you know is right for your family.

If there’s a relationship to be salvaged in a week or so well then it can be salvaged.

I’m sorry for your sadness. Go and see this man who was like a father to you if you can.

💐

Put yourself first as this is an awful time for you.
Your DP is not being dear at all.
At best, he’s self-centred.
Don’t make any decisions why you are so upset, but pandering to this man is not how life should be for you.

He's being a controlling dick. Take care of yourself, do whatever you need to do. Personally I'd be out of the relationship after this. How they act in a crisis is very telling. He should be comforting and supporting you.

I have my ex-FIL round for Christmas with my new DP and my children. Everyone is nice to one another. Why would they not be? I wasn't married to my ex-FIL!

Yes all of this - he has no right to behave like this or tell you who, how or when to grieve and to bring your children into it (no matter what circumstances exist beyond this) at this point is time is just wrong. Take lots of care and do what you need to do, I really do feel for you and your DP needs to take a long hard look at himself and his actions because this is the type of thing that can be hard to forgive.

I do wonder if he is your common and garden dick head, or if the fact you’re so heavily entwined with your ex in laws and the way your kid feels, it is maybe causing him other issues.

was the divorce your ex husbands decision or yours?

It’s all of this really! He says he finds it hard as he hates anything to do with my ex and says as a man he finds it hard to swallow. I didn’t see in laws much after divorce as they live on other side of U.K. but we would keep in touch and pop in sometimes when I was dropping or collecting dc.
It was my choice to divorce Xh as he cheated on me .His parents didn’t accept the ow and we’re always loyal to me. I can’t really help how I feel about my fil and seeing my kids like this and the future pain to come in next few days is too much. I can’t go join them as I don’t have vaccines as European country and have another illness atm where a long haul flight would not be ideal. I’ve gone out for a walk and ended up in McDonald’s to just get some peace but it’s full of kids and loud. I think if I go home it will set motion to end relationship but I’m not ready to make big decisions like this. But I do see his behaviour and it disgusts me.

Yeah he’s not behaving well. But on the flip side, his home isn’t the place to be doing this op, effectively in front of him. You need to go home. And if you’re not likely to be in a good place at the weekend, any of you, then cancel the weekend plans.

@Autumnalfun he told me to come to his. But yes agree it’s not a good idea anymore.

Bin him. He’s a wanker

He prob didn’t expect the level of trauma for you and the kids, I think you need to go home. As much as he’s not handling it well i don’t think this is fair on him , you crying all week, his holiday cancelled, it’s heavy stuff for an ex in law.

@Autumnalfun i was actually keeping it together yesterday until my partners behaviour.
He begged me to stay last night and was hugging and kissing me on the sofa. I was quite rigid as I was so hurt but I let him anyway as I know he was trying to make up. We watched a movie and he was a bit on edge as I said I was leaving early this morning and he was asking why. I also took one of my dresses as I have a work social coming up so he was a bit insecure. I am leaving in an hour once rush hour died down. My dear father in law past away an hour ago as the ex called me. I haven’t told dp, he’s got the day off and intending on
lie in so I’ll leave him be. Feel surprisingly calm for now and I am glad my dad ( I always called him this) is no longer in pain. He was such a kind and jolly man, full of life … my dc have a beautiful video of him from last year where he walks in on one of them posing pre party and then they get him to join in ❤️

Also to add re holiday, I’ve paid £500 extra to move everything. There’s no way I could go on holiday due to impact on my dc. I know it’s disappointing for my dp which is why I toook full responsibility and rebooked as soon as I knew what was on the horizon. I am just going to keep my grief to myself.

Sorry for your loss. I honestly would move on from this man. He’s shown his true colours and sounds very needy.

He is a dick.

If OP is entwined with her family and he doesn't like he it should leave.

But I don't see caring about children during times of grief or caring about a father figure dying as entwined.

A decent man and partner would have taken you to the airport, not stopped you from going.

Get rid.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do concentrate on yourself and your dc. Please don't give your "p" any head or other space. He can support you or ...
I'd be tempted to pack anything I could of mine when you go home.

I wouldn't like the kissing and hugging either that's not particularly appropriate following a loss, I stead of sat watching a film he could have asked you to share stories of your in law. I think he is the kind of man that doesn't want to be reminded of any trace of your previous life and that includes the children. I don't like the fact you feel you need to keep your grief to yourself either he clearly isn't there for you in your time of need. I would take any belongings you have there (if you haven't left already) and then when you are back home decide whether this is the 'straw that broke the cames back' saves the awkwardness of you having to go back and collect them

I don’t think uou need to keep your grief to yourself, but share it with your kids and your ex in-laws family.

id then reconsider the relationship. Not now. It’s never wise to do something in the eye of a storm, but take some time for you and then make a decision.

@Singleandproud the kissing ect was last night before I got the news this morning. They were forehead kisses nothing passionate as that would def not be appropriate.
Just when we got into bed last night he started asking questions about my dad as I didn’t mention anything at all after the series of arguements we had. I was just so drained and gutted. I suppose he’s jealous but no need.

I’m sorry for your loss Op.
I think going home is definitely the right idea. Go home and grieve in your own space.

One thing from your post above. Why would your Partner be insecure about you having taken a dress for a work social? This seems like another possible red flag.

@TurquoiseBear re the dress as I suppose he was seeing it as I sign I was leaving him. I have tonnes of stuff upstairs that I haven’t touched and have just left. He’s usually been so good in the past as a very good partner but I think the last few weeks have shown me there are cracks in our relationship. I did say to him a few weeks ago that I’ve never hidden my kids and so it shouldn’t come as a shock as when they need me I have to be there for them and to end the relationship if it wasn’t for him. I do still love him at this point but I am very hurt. I’ve been away so many times with him abroad child free because ex and his or my family able to cover a few of my days.

Hadn’t mentioned work social as it was only confirmed yesterday and I just accepted the invite but didn’t mention it because we were barely talking.