Should I just go home? Support needed

[FromCrisisToCrisis]

Will try and keep this brief.

Usually in happy relationship with dp. We are both divorcees, do not live together and both have kids ( mine much older). M

To cut a long story short, we had a child free holiday booked but I had to cancel it and move to next year. This was due to ex fil becoming sick abroad and going into ucu. There is no way I could go away as needed to support my dc, who went yesterday morning with their dad to be with their grandad. My x H and older dc came back from abroad just to take the younger Dc back with them. I have a cert close relationship with fil and if I’m honest I should have gone with dc to support them plus I was welcome to go. I held back as I knew this would be one step too far for my dp ( and I understand it).

Today older dc said they will call me at 2.30pm uk time so I said this to my dp so we could have our lunchtime walk before that. I want to be home as it’s a good bye call and I’ve been crying all week. Anyway, we was late for the walk and as we set off I said I’ll walk back on my own after half hour. He then started laying into my older dc saying that they always dominate my moods ect. I asked him to stop because although dc1 is difficult, this wasn’t the time. He carried on so I turned back. He came after me and asked me to come back. He didn’t apologise and it did escalate into an arguement, I was in tears and he’s left me. I Am staying at his home till tomorrow then will back to mine. I am wondering whether it’s inappropriate for me to be grieving my fil but I am in pain too because my dc are in pieces. It feels like my heart is being ripped out. I am also thinking it’s not appropriate for me to be at dps house as this is relating to my ex’s family. I want to go home but I don’t want to make it worse. Dp is meant to be staying over at my house with his dc for the weekend. Sorry, I’ve really gone on. Hand hold needed

I think that you need to think about the impact on your children of seeing their mother in a relationship with a jealous man who leaves no space or support for her to feel pain or grief. You might think that they don't know; they do know. They always do.

It sounds like you're too beaten down and insecure to leave for your own sake, so leave for the benefit and love of your children.
Huge hugs OP.

When a long term ex of mine died unexpectedly my dp of the time held me tight as I cried my heart out and suggested we had a drink and made a toast for "John".

"John" had been a good partner to me and my partner of the time couldn't have been more supportive when he died.

I'll never forget his empathy and love when I needed it most despite it being the death of an ex. That's what people who love you do.

My partner of the time is still one of my closest friends 15 years later and admittedly an occasional FWB.

Your DP is a jealous prick and as a PP said, the reaction about your dress isn't right either.

Thanks to all of you for your messages and support. I am reading them and will reread them in a few days when I can fully take them in. The messages really helped me get through yesterday.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I really hope you see the wood for the trees.
That is not a good partner.
Nasty, unkind, mean to your son, manipulative and controlling.

Really awful.
I think going with your children would have been the right decision for you and has nothing to do with your partner.

In a healthy loving relationship when older, normal people accept everyone has a past.
Of course you might care about your in laws after a long marriage.
Of course you would be concerned about your grieving children.

I think your partner has abusive tendencies and I think you need to be brave and admit that he is toxic, and this relationship is too.

Protect yourself.

This.

Get rid of this selfish, uncaring arsehole.

Back home now… I spoke to my dc. DC1 was with grandad when he passed and I see a lot of potential trauma coming up because of what they’ve seen in last few weeks. When I saw dc1 when they were back in uk for under 48hours I’ve discussed the potential need for counselling. My dc1 had poor mh two years ago and nearly got kicked out of school. They turned it around and got 3 A’s for their Alevels in Aug and deferred place at uni to travel ang spend time with both sets of grand parents and also us parents.

Sorry, I am rambling. Partner messaged a few hours ago to ask where I am though I told him I’d be gone. He asked how I was and I said my dad had passed and I found out at 7.15am. He asked why I didn’t wake him and I didn’t respond. Like I feel I can’t go to him for comfort so why would I ? He called after I didn’t respond. He knows he has acted like a prick and is on back foot. He’s the person I least want to hear from right now. I’ve been cold and detached from him on the call. I cut it short.

So sorry for your loss OP