My fiancé cheated on me and I don't know what to do

[Kgem99]

Apologies if this isn't allowed here. It's 1am and I don't have anyone to talk to.

So, my fiancé has had a horrible year. 2 grandparents died within a week and the next week she found out her mom has cancer. We've both been struggling to deal with this all year and I've tried my best to make things as easy as possible. Going with her to visit her mom in hospital each time, taking over most of the cooking and cleaning, organising days out and dates etc.
It's worth noting that our relationship has been a little "bleh" for a year or so and we've both had our share of mental health issues, my fiances being much worse this year.

Recently, I had an anonymous email from someone claiming that she was cheating on me with a guy at her work. I called her up on it, she told me it was all BS and I moved on.
With that fresh in my mind a few weeks later(today), I checked her phone while she was out and found that she had in fact been seeing a guy at work.
In the texts, they talk about meeting on lunch and that they'd kissed, and the part that hurts the most is that she said she loved him.

I confronted her about it this evening and it all unraveled. She explained that they'd kissed 3 times, and that she only said she loved him "as a friend". She explained that the last year has really been hard for her and she doesn't even recognise herself anymore. She stopped talking to him a couple days ago and regrets everything about it.

Now, the problem I've got is that I love this girl more than anything. She was my highschool sweetheart and we've been together for 4 years after reconnecting. We have a mortgage on a house, 2 cats. Everything felt amazing until today.
I don't want to leave her because I really do love her. But the pain in my chest from what's happened is tearing me apart and I don't know what to do. I appreciate that this is still fresh but I can't stop reading those texts between them.

I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice on what steps I should take next? Because I'm currently losing my mind.

I would ask her to move out as you can't trust a word she says. The only reason you know is because you snooped. She could have told you at any point about this man but she chose to cheat and she says she loves him.

Your relationship was on rocky ground anyway and has been for a while. I would call off the engagement.

Dump her. She is a liar. Having grandparents die and a sick mother doesnt make you lie and cheat, that is a absolute cop out. If shes told someone else she loves them, i don't know how you can get past that.

A quarter of your relationship has been bleh and she's cheated. You plan to break up. That's the plan. You might love her but that isn't what makes a good relationship or marriage. It's one of a number of things you need. Respect, honesty, happiness, all things you don't have.

She fessed up because she was caught, and then lied - I don’t believe “I love you” as a friend.

You know what to do, even though it will hurt.

How does grandparents dying and mother getting cancer equate to eyeing up another man's penis and cheating on you?

It doesn't.

She's a liar and a cheat.

She had a chance to come clean when you first questioned her about a chap at work but instead she looked you in the eye and denied it.

You can never trust her again and she will always resent you for unmasking her as being a horrible person.

It's over.

You deserve better. She has to go.

She had a chance to confess and chose not to and continued to see him.
That says it all. A lie like that can destroy trust forever. I would not necessarily believe they only kissed, either. You know she lies, so she's probably lying about the extent of the relationship.
She did not "I love you" as a friend. It is clearly a romantic connection and
she's probably going to see him again. Don't trust any promises she makes and don't marry her.

Aye.walk away.
Find yourself again.cheaters cheat.it ALWAYS hurts.fuck that.

As painful as this is to hear, when the shit hit the fan she chose to turn towards someone else. She doesn't care about you in the way you care about her.

This relationship ended the second she lied to you. As the level of commitment from you is high it will take you a decent 3 years to be able to manage all the emotions and betrayal.

Leave (take the cats), and put your needs and mental health first for a minimum of 12 months.

You will take a financial hit, but its better to do it of your own accord than be left and still have to pick up the pieces.

Best of luck. xx

Dump her. It's not rocket science

Do not MARRY someone who cheats on you. She has shown you who she is so believe her. Shes minimizing as all cheaters do what has transpired with this co worker. She’s telling him she loves him? That's unforgiveable to me. She uses attention from other men rather than turning to you to cope with life stressors and she will do it again. You’re in for a rough six months but it’s NOTHING compared to how it will be if you marry her have children and a household of accumulated possessions. And take the cats she’s cheating on them too I know what I speak of by experience.

Stop torturing yourself by reading the texts, they won't give you the answers you want. Sadly neither will your DF, cheaters generally don't really know why they cheated unless they have been through therapy. You can drive yourself insane trying to understand cheating. It's probably nothing you have done or could have prevented, it will be all on her, we can only respond to situations like these we can't stop them even if you could see it coming.

Even if you're not sure if you want to split. Start protecting your finances and assets, if you only have a joint bank then set up your own individual account for your income and savings and only pay whatever you need to the joint account to cover bills while you live together. If you have a gold rolex given to you by your great grandad, passport etc get it in a safe place out of the house, your DF is not going to react as you expect from now on. People who are hurt or have been caught out act in unpredictable ways she isn't the person you know. She certainly isn't the woman you fell in love with, she has just shown you that.

Get advice about how to split the mortgage/assets etc. again even if you don't know you want to split yet, it will help you prepare if you do. Citizens Advice can be good here, as can a local solicitors. Your DF need never know but you will need to know your rights and responsibilities. Do it quickly and quietly.

Take some time away from your DF to have a think, even if it is a walk inthe park or drive in the car/train etc. You need time to breathe and get your head straight to think through what you want to do next. Being in the same space as her and not getting answers won't help you. Try not to get drawn into arguments, keep things calm when you are around each other, even if she kicks off, walk away to a safe space.

Be prepared for anger, tears and begging, yours and hers. You will have a huge roller coaster to ride emotionally for a few weeks. There are quite a number of really helpful threads here with plenty of advice and ask the folks here, we all have our own opinions but in general you will find support and advice here.

But definitely plan to leave and split assets, you don't have to go through with it but getting knowledge on these things are really helpful. If you need to move out of the house quickly, do you have somewhere to go?

Time out of the relationship when cheating has occured can be really helpful to get yourself together again, however make sure you retain access to the house and any assets you own if you are the one doing the moving. You can also ask her to leave but if she is on the mortgage she doesn't necessarily have to.

I hope you can speak to your DF when things settle down a bit so you can sort things out amicably but people do change their minds and can lash out. Keep that in mind and everything in writing.

If you choose to try again, therapy can help but keep in mind it doesn't often work, the trust has gone and that is a big thing that is hard to get over. Remember you don't cheat because you've had some stress in your life, loads of couples go through meh times and stress and manage to stay faithful. She cheated because she wanted to and she felt she could hide it from you.

You can't trust her. She lied even after you directly asked her about it.
How will you feel going forward, when she's at week, if she goes out on nights out without you.
You only have her word that's all that happened.

Move on you deserve better.

She lied to you. :( I am so sorry. There’s no excuse.

@Kgem99, your fiancée is not truly remorseful and she is still lying to you.

(1) When you initially went to her and asked for the truth, she blatantly lied to you and put OM first. She was protecting their illicit relationship, and only confessed to her infidelity after you had proof.

(2) She is lying that she meant she loves OM ‘as a friend’. That is total bullshit. They’ve been flirting, building a connection, and have kissed several times. She has been investing in secret messaging and deception. This is an affair, not a platonic relationship.

(3) Bereavements did not cause her unethical choice to lie and cheat.

She is still being dishonest and is making a mug of you. I guarantee that they are lying low right now and will soon be going underground with their romantic relationship.

As painful as this is, you are in an unequal relationship with an underinvested, self-serving, faithless individual. You deserve much better — to be truly loved, cherished and respected by a committed and faithful partner. Walk away, @Kgem99.

All of this. Well said.

What everyone else is saying about the reality of your fiancé’s actions and her deceit. It’s hard to hear, but she clearly doesn’t want to be faithful to you, or she would have been. But also:
You say
Everything felt amazing until today. I don't want to leave her because I really do love her

But earlier in the same post you’d said
It's worth noting that our relationship has been a little "bleh" for a year or so.

You are engaged to someone who you’ve had a “bleh” relationship with for a quarter of the time you’ve been together. That isn’t what an amazing relationship feels like. It might be that this is an out you really needed anyway.

The foundation of any relationship is trust. When that trust has been broken any small thing they say or do will leave you paranoid. You’re best to end things sooner rather than later.

This, entirely this.

I'm so sorry OP. The thing is, if you stay with her, you will never feel at peace. Your mind will go crazy wondering if she's cheating again. I've been there and it's awful. You love a woman who you trusted and you thought you knew. Do you still know this woman? She's not the person you initially fell for. She deceived you, lied and has broken your heart.

Going back to earlier relationships doesn't always turn out for the best despite the romantic connotations.
You've said your relationship has been blah she's a cheat and a liar you gave her the chance to tell you the truth and she kept lying. A

Nah you can't trust her it would be over for me

Your post is an attempt to justify her behaviour. Grief isn't an excuse for cheating. Having an unwell mother isn't an excuse for cheating.

I understand you love her but you are setting yourself up for a future of distrust, low self esteem and no doubt more cheating. You may feel you can get over this but it errods you. I stayed after the first cheating and excused it. Then I did the same for no 2,3,4,5 and 6. It's only now I'm free and worked on myself I realise how much each one took from me.

You want to forgive because its less painful and scary than leaving. I know you will take which ever path you want regardless of what people say but I would encourage you to walk away before it becomes harder to entangle with a wedding. You deserve better than a liar who has no issues putting your sexual health at risk and whose selfishness means you will never be a priority

Lots of people go through really hard things in life and manage not to cheat on their partners. She isn’t a good person.

@Kgem99 - really sorry you’re in this position. However, as PPs have said, you’ve been together 4 years and things have been bleh for 1 year i.e. a quarter of that time. That’s not a basis for a marriage.

The fact that she turned away from you and to another man when going through her grief also does not bode well.

It sounds a bit as if you feel this relationship must work out because you were high-school sweethearts and you’ve reunited. That’s a sweet story but it’s not a basis for marriage. You can also tell yourself that you and she gave it a proper try but it seems it’s not meant to be.

You know what to do. You're scared of doing it.

Thing is, this idea that you're perfect together is in your head. The cold hard reality is that, at best, she doesn't fully respect you.

This pain will never fully disappear if you stay together. You'll have to find away to look at her and pretend not to feel it, to hear her say "I love you" and forget she said those words to someone else while you were together. And so on. BUT all those things retain familiarity and superficial security, because you keep your home card etc.

Trouble is, it's not security.

Whoever emailed you does not think her behaviour was ok. They also wouldn't have emailed you if she'd only "kissed him three times". She's not telling you the truth.