My fiancé cheated on me and I don't know what to do

[Kgem99]

Apologies if this isn't allowed here. It's 1am and I don't have anyone to talk to.

So, my fiancé has had a horrible year. 2 grandparents died within a week and the next week she found out her mom has cancer. We've both been struggling to deal with this all year and I've tried my best to make things as easy as possible. Going with her to visit her mom in hospital each time, taking over most of the cooking and cleaning, organising days out and dates etc.
It's worth noting that our relationship has been a little "bleh" for a year or so and we've both had our share of mental health issues, my fiances being much worse this year.

Recently, I had an anonymous email from someone claiming that she was cheating on me with a guy at her work. I called her up on it, she told me it was all BS and I moved on.
With that fresh in my mind a few weeks later(today), I checked her phone while she was out and found that she had in fact been seeing a guy at work.
In the texts, they talk about meeting on lunch and that they'd kissed, and the part that hurts the most is that she said she loved him.

I confronted her about it this evening and it all unraveled. She explained that they'd kissed 3 times, and that she only said she loved him "as a friend". She explained that the last year has really been hard for her and she doesn't even recognise herself anymore. She stopped talking to him a couple days ago and regrets everything about it.

Now, the problem I've got is that I love this girl more than anything. She was my highschool sweetheart and we've been together for 4 years after reconnecting. We have a mortgage on a house, 2 cats. Everything felt amazing until today.
I don't want to leave her because I really do love her. But the pain in my chest from what's happened is tearing me apart and I don't know what to do. I appreciate that this is still fresh but I can't stop reading those texts between them.

I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice on what steps I should take next? Because I'm currently losing my mind.

Your relationship has felt “bleh” but “everything has been amazing”? You might be looking back through rose-tinted glasses .

I’m really sorry to hear you’re hurting. Being betrayed by someone you love is really painful. However, it’s time to take stock and decide whether you can move past it or not. She really looked at you and lied like that when you first asked her?

All the best, OP. Listen to your gut, you’ll make the right decision.

You where told she was seeing a guy in work. She denied it. Several weeks later you found messages and then she told you she's only kissed him. Do not believe her she is lying and more has happened. I'm sorry your going through this bit the fact it carried on even after you where warned shows she does not care about you or your feelings. You may love her but she does not deserve you and trust cannot be regained she continued to lie and see the guy in work. This cannot work you will constantly be over thinking living on your nerves wondering where she is, is she with him again, can you trust her. You would never do that to her and im sorry but a bad time is not an excuse you are her fiance she should have leaned on you not snogging/sleeping her feelings away with somebody else

You say:

our relationship has been a little "bleh" for a year or so

But then:

Everything felt amazing until today.

Both can't be true.

I’m sorry, but I’m not sure you could both get passed this. Not condoning cheating (ex was unfaithful) but if this had been down to tough year and she’d gone out, got drunk and did something foolish as a one off mistake, I could almost forgive that. Messaging and expressing love is an affair, even if they haven’t slept together. No matter how tough life gets, seeking romantic and emotional support from someone or getting to close to them, is not ok. She’s admitted enough to placate you now she’s been found out. This wouldn’t have ended neither would she have told you unless you had found out yourself. She had the opportunity to be honest and or end it after that email and chose not to. Sorry for you hurt

@Kgem99 , what a horrible thing to discover.
In your shoes I would leave the relationship as quickly as possible, with what you're entitled to, with your head held high and dignity in tact.
You owe her nothing. No tears or trying to work out why.
She did it. And lied.
Good luck with your future 🌺

This

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.
Unfortunately you should leave her, she’s a liar. How people act when times are tough is often a true representation of who they are, just be glad it’s her family sadness and not yours.
Love alone is not enough to sustain us, we need trust, loyalty, friendship, kindness, understanding…

I wish you well x

Standards, people, please 😁❤️
Have high ones for yourselves.
Besides, being single (I'm not) has so far been the best living ever ....

If she don’t leave you’re showing her what you’ll tolerate, what you think you’re worth and that she can do it again and you’ll still be there.

You are worth more than her shitty behaviour, her lies, her disrespect.

How convenient that it all ended just a few days ago! I'm sure you saw that in her messages too him? She had a chance to come clean when you asked her and she lied to your face. It sounds like you've been very supportive and she has thrown it back in your face. Please have some respect for yourself and leave her, it will hurt but she will do this again and again and it will eat you up inside.

Maybe show a teeny bit of thought for someone whose heart has been shattered?

Normally, when people suffer bereavement or seriously ill health (like cancer) within their family, it makes them super aware and grateful for family and the loved ones around them. You squeeze those you love that little bit tighter because you realise that life is short and can change in the blink of an eye.
Your fiancée has gone outside of her ‘circle’ to a stranger, and has been investing her time and energy away from the person who loved and supported her through that time.
She’s looking for something else. She is not in love with you the way that you are with her.
You deserve someone to love you the way that you love.

You must leave her, or you are showing her (and everyone else who knows about the affair - the e-mailer won’t be the only one) that you are a lovesick doormat. She will continue to abuse your love for her any time she feels like it, because she’ll know that she can.

It could have been an amazing love story, but it’s not and never will be. You need to get out now. Waiting will only make it much harder and messier.
Best of luck xx

From (somewhat bitter) experience - end it now.
It gets significantly more complicated when she decides she's no longer wants to be with you further down the line when you're married with kids etc. and that's IF she doesn't cheat on you again.

I'm sorry OP 🙏💐
Of course you know better than anyone here how is your relationship. I just wanted to say that sometimes love is not enough. Would you be able to trust her ever again? Or would you always have a suspicion in the back of your mind...? You deserve a reliable and honest partner, imo. She not "only" cheated, but she lied about it to your face... If you can fix this, that's great. But it would be perfectly fine if you didn't want anything to do with her.
Wishing you the best!

I think it is likely over but I personally would find it hard to end it without any further discussion when someone is going through something like that. The lying is what would get me more than the kiss and I don’t think I would be fully able to believe her without talking to her affair partner and getting his version.

My partner withdrew from me a little when his mum died, he didn’t cheat but he wasn’t himself, he was much better able to process after some counselling. When my own mum was in a coma for weeks and almost died I pulled away from him and wanted to be alone for a while - I didn’t want his advice or to hear about his problems, I guess like a lot of women I sometimes feel like I am my partners emotional crutch and I just wanted to focus on my mum and not his day to day issues. I was happy being around people I knew less well and were less likely to offer their opinions. Also daily chit chat about his life felt like he was minimising what I was dealing with - like my mum is dying and you’re telling me you’re stressed about a work deadline, what do you expect me to do about it. Also telling me it would be okay felt like minimising the situation though I know that’s not what he intended. I guess we all deal with issues differently. I can see how kissing someone new to not think about what is happening and spend time outside your life with someone who is emotionally detached from the situation could happen but the lying and continuation is difficult to justify.

I think the advice you are getting regarding separating finances and protecting yourself are incredibly important. I would personally go to one or two couples counselling sessions bearing in mind it is likely over, it may help both of you as going through all of this at once is a lot for a person to take. It may also help you part as friends if you do split up.

I think you should end the relationship. You say the relationship has been "bleh" for a year. That's not good.
She lied and she cheated. Awful things happening are not an excuse. Unfortunately everyone has awful things happen to them at some point in their lives but you don't go out and cheat on your partner.
What if you forgave her and got married and then you become ill, or another family member dies, or you have struggles with fertility, or pnd? Will she cheat again because something awful happens?

I think you should end this relationship. I know that you both have gone through a few bad things over the past 18 month's.
Rather than talk to you she decided to see if the grass was greener elsewhere. Then she lied to you about this. You gotten proof of her cheating on you and I would not be surprised if she had sex with him.
I know that you have being a couple for a long time and even before this you feel that things had gotten worse between you.
I know it hard to end a long relationship especially if you were planning to get married. You need to consider your own long term future now. You deserve to be with someone who thinks your wonderful and not with a woman who cheats on you.
I know several people who stayed with cheaters or stayed with people who had any number of red flags and got married. Within a few years they were stuck in unhappy marriage's that eventually broke up and in several cases there were kids involved.

I know it not easy to end things and walk away but when someone shows you what they are don't ignore it. I know people who ended relationships and when on to meet better people and had happy lives.

Id tell her to leave for at least space for now til you understand the full betrayal . Just because she's had deaths in family does not make it ok or excusable infact I'd feel even more close to my partner if I was dealing with that not more distant. Take a step back at least or get rid

She’s a lier and a cheat

But you do you

I hope your doing ok, I was in the same situation 20 years ago, I can't believe it's been so long. One of the biggest regrets I have is how I handled it, I caved and tried to make it work but this just meant I went through months of pain and after we parted fell into a bad pattern of behaviour. Keep your head, be strong, focus on yourself and reconnect with family and friends. There will come a time you will meet a girl that will overwhelm you with love rather than the pain you feel now, maybe next year or maybe in 20 years but whenever it happens you must be in a position to act, being with the wrong one can steal away your chances and drain your emotions. Free yourself, get fit, wealthy and happy, be the best version of yourself you can be and follow whatever calls you, follow what feels right and you will be led to the right person, good luck

So she’s had a rough year, we’ve all had rough years, if our first instinct is to cheat that says a lot about our character. It’s an excuse, and if it’s the actual truth, then you know what she does when she’s under pressure, she seeks attention outside her relationship. If she told the guy she loved him, and kissed him, and probably more she’s not admitting to, his first thought isn’t going to be that she loves him like a friend!

Frankly, if facing life's trials pushes you apart rather than bringing you closer, it's not a life partner for you.

Ask her to leave. It'll be tough, but in the long run it's for the best. You will never be able to trust her again.

She's not confessed, she's been caught out, so she's tried to blag her way out of it trying to minimise everything. All the "I only love him as a friend"
You know she's not telling the truth.

Someone's grandparents dying and a Mum with Cancer doesn't cause someone to cheat.

End things now, before the uncertainty, and the lies destroy you. She's caused damage that cannot be repaired.

It hurts so much now, but this is not for you going forward. Also please get tested for STDs.

Firstly I'm so sorry you are going through this, no one deserves to be cheated on.
There is no excuse that could condone her behaviour.

When there is infidelity in a relationship you firstly need to take some time out to re-evaluate things, so one of you moving out is probably the first thing you can do.

Then you have to think can you really move on from this? The first step is forgiveness ? Can you forgive it , never bring it up again? Can you trust her? Or is it going to cause you very valid trust issues?

After infidelity most relationships can not survive it because either the cheater cheats again because accepting it tells them because you love them you will always forgive it and move on, or the person who's been cheated on always has trust issues that will end the relationship further down the line.

This is not just cheating [a one night stand maybe you could get past, everyone makes mistakes and some people can learn from mistakes, but this was not just cheating this was a complete violation of your trust , a full blown affair , she said she loves him, yet conveniently stopped talking to him a few days ago, I'm assuming this was around the time you first confronted her about it ? , if she hadn't been found out chances are she would still be seeing this guy.

People who are in love don't cheat, people who are fulfilled by their partner do not cheat. As much as you love her , she doesn't love you , if she did why did she need this other man ?

You deserve to be loved, and respected.