Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner unable to listen to my concerns without turning it into an argument

57 replies

AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 00:33

Hi,
Can I get some perspective on this please.

Recently tried to have a discussion with my partner regarding something that was bothering me, basically I had been spoke to in a disrespectful way by a dental professional. I kept it to myself for a little while because it didn't really register immediately, so I sat on it for a while.

I decided to tell my partner what had happened and how it had upset me and made me angry. What happened next was unbelievable.

He started kicking off saying, well if that is true, then why didn't you mention it when you came out of the appointment and really making a big deal out of it, I explained that I hadn't really processed what happened until afterwards and that I just needed to tell him, he then proceeded to labour the point until he managed to turn it into an argument about the fact that I should have mentioned it immediately, and implied that I was lying. He then said, what else is bothering you, I said nothing, to which he replied, well it makes me wonder!I it is beyond belief that this was the end result of me just wanting to offload my concerns to him.

Expressing your thoughts and feelings to your partner really shouldn't end in arguments...Anyone else have this problem?

OP posts:
Catoo · 02/10/2024 00:46

Sorry to say, he sounds like an arsehole OP.

Mine will get frustrated in these situations because he thinks I want him to solve something when I just want to tell him. So I will say first, ‘ I just want to tell you something that you don’t need to solve but to see what you think’ and the chat goes better.

But if I forget that, he doesn’t act like a complete tosser.

Is yours short tempered and grumpy about other things? Has he always been like this? Is it new behaviour?

Sigh.

Original poster
AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 00:58

Catoo · 02/10/2024 00:46

Sorry to say, he sounds like an arsehole OP.

Mine will get frustrated in these situations because he thinks I want him to solve something when I just want to tell him. So I will say first, ‘ I just want to tell you something that you don’t need to solve but to see what you think’ and the chat goes better.

But if I forget that, he doesn’t act like a complete tosser.

Is yours short tempered and grumpy about other things? Has he always been like this? Is it new behaviour?

Sigh.

Hi,
If I'm being honest, no it isn't new behaviour, however, it normally when I try to talk about something related to him that he gets like this.

On this occasion I was simply explaining what happened to me and how it had upset me.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 02/10/2024 08:26

Jeez, he gets stroppy if you talk about stuff related to him and also related to you. What are you allowed to talk about?

Original poster
AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 15:10

I am just following up here regarding this situation from yesterday
Apparently, his dismissive and uncaring behaviour was because I explained my issue in the wrong tone of voice, I never realised that just telling your partner about something that has upset you can actually be done in the wrong tone of voice

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/10/2024 15:13

OP you're describing abuse.

My ex used to complain about my voice. It was just a way of wrong-footing me.

You need to end this. Have you got any children?

TheDeepLemonHelper · 02/10/2024 15:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 15:20

TheShellBeach · 02/10/2024 15:13

OP you're describing abuse.

My ex used to complain about my voice. It was just a way of wrong-footing me.

You need to end this. Have you got any children?

No children, I'm 63 years old and have spoken in the same way all my life, I only relayed to him sometimes that happened to me and he reacted all out of proportion, his excuses for that were that was speaking in a tone of voice he did not like

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 15:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, he has issues, I won't be accepting of him trying to change my perception of reality, and will very much stand my ground with that. Quite frankly, I don't think he really wanted to listen to what had to say, even though I am supporting of his worries. This behaviour is just teaching me to keep my mouth shut, which is likely what he wanted...I'm 63 years old BTW

OP posts:
TheDeepLemonHelper · 02/10/2024 15:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

abracadabra1980 · 02/10/2024 15:41

I'm have been through two marriages and witnessed many relationships over the years. The ones who survive all have the skills to manoeuvre around disagreements and the communicative skills to make amends when necessary. They don't name call, undermine or sling horrendous swear words at one another. Swearing in general maybe, but not calling the other a c* or the like. They are more mature than that. Basically, they respect one another and know each others boundaries. Without that skill, I doubt any relationship can survive long term.

Dazzler27 · 02/10/2024 15:51

AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 00:33

Hi,
Can I get some perspective on this please.

Recently tried to have a discussion with my partner regarding something that was bothering me, basically I had been spoke to in a disrespectful way by a dental professional. I kept it to myself for a little while because it didn't really register immediately, so I sat on it for a while.

I decided to tell my partner what had happened and how it had upset me and made me angry. What happened next was unbelievable.

He started kicking off saying, well if that is true, then why didn't you mention it when you came out of the appointment and really making a big deal out of it, I explained that I hadn't really processed what happened until afterwards and that I just needed to tell him, he then proceeded to labour the point until he managed to turn it into an argument about the fact that I should have mentioned it immediately, and implied that I was lying. He then said, what else is bothering you, I said nothing, to which he replied, well it makes me wonder!I it is beyond belief that this was the end result of me just wanting to offload my concerns to him.

Expressing your thoughts and feelings to your partner really shouldn't end in arguments...Anyone else have this problem?

Well what was the issue then would probably be helpful to know

Original poster
AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 15:56

Dazzler27 · 02/10/2024 15:51

Well what was the issue then would probably be helpful to know

Show quote history

I outlined the issue in the above post, basically tried to convey my upset over what had happened to me, he was argumentative over the fact that I should have said something sooner, I feel that is irrelevant, when a partner discusses something that is on their mind, it should not result in an argument

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2024 16:03

You have forgotten that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

If you stand your ground with him in an argument he will merely see that as an additional challenge to take you down. Such tactics do not work with abusers. I note he’s already trying to gaslight you and that is a pernicious form of abuse that also creeps up on people unawares. This relationship is to all intents and purposes over really.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2024 16:06

What are his issues exactly?.

Do not use his issues as an excuse for his behaviour , abusers all have issues. I am wondering if you have basically become inured to his abuses of you over the years. He does this because he can and he’s learnt this works for him. You’re now 63, you do not want to be in this same position in two months time let alone two years time.

Original poster
AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 16:08

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2024 16:03

You have forgotten that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

If you stand your ground with him in an argument he will merely see that as an additional challenge to take you down. Such tactics do not work with abusers. I note he’s already trying to gaslight you and that is a pernicious form of abuse that also creeps up on people unawares. This relationship is to all intents and purposes over really.

Thank you, do you have experience of this? I recognise that ge is doing this to avoid being accountable, much more to this than I have outlined here, no display of affection, intimacy, the list goes on, yes, my fault for allowing it, I accept that

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2024 16:17

Some of my friends have been in abusive relationships, abuse is no respector of persons, class or creed.

You have a choice re this man even now and he was doubtless all sweetness and light when you met. Now his feet are under the table you are seeing the real him. It’s not your fault that he has chosen to embark on his own private based war against you, this is all on him. You are and have never been responsible for his actions.

Ask yourself why you are with him now. Is it because you are 63 and afraid to be alone, are you afraid of him and the unknown?. I would say you are alone within this relationship now and that is a bad place to be.

How can you be helped into leaving him if this is what you want?.

Original poster
AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 16:25

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2024 16:17

Some of my friends have been in abusive relationships, abuse is no respector of persons, class or creed.

You have a choice re this man even now and he was doubtless all sweetness and light when you met. Now his feet are under the table you are seeing the real him. It’s not your fault that he has chosen to embark on his own private based war against you, this is all on him. You are and have never been responsible for his actions.

Ask yourself why you are with him now. Is it because you are 63 and afraid to be alone, are you afraid of him and the unknown?. I would say you are alone within this relationship now and that is a bad place to be.

How can you be helped into leaving him if this is what you want?.

I see, so you understand from your friends experiences. Yes, I realise it is all on him, I take no responsibility for his behaviour. Yes, just existing under the same roof, with him regularly stating he will change is my own fault, and I guess I am afraid in a way to walk away, due to finances and not so good health, not valid reasons, but I am totally baffled why I am treated this way, totally baffled why I am the one who puts effort into the relationship and he does not.if I am so bad, what is he even still doing here? Senseless!

OP posts:
NPET · 02/10/2024 16:35

From experience, I'm liable to say "well, he's a man!".
Doesn't say much for my experiences with men (boys), but as a 20 year old with several notches on her belt (lol), I'd say men will turn a discussion EITHER into "proof" that you were in the wrong OR (more often) into "proof" that equally bad or worse things happen to them on a daily basis.
Yes I know some women will say "only 20 and you think you know men?".
No, but I know the ones I've had the discomfort of being with!

TheDeepLemonHelper · 02/10/2024 16:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2024 16:40

He’s on to a good thing with you because he thinks you are so desperate for a man that you’d put up with any old crap from
him. Also you go all his washing, cooking and ironing for him. Why would he leave when he has all the above and also in his eyes a willing victim to abuse and otherwise mistreat as he sees fit. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Is the property held in joint names, is there a joint mortgage? Are you named in title deeds?. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable and your reasons for staying are very weak. He is likely making your health worse, he is certainly bashing your mental health. You have a choice re this man after all.

Read Women who love too
much by Dr robin Norwood

GinForBreakfast · 02/10/2024 16:43

You're effectively dating the AIBU board. That lot would argue black was white and the OP was nuts to sigh otherwise.

Original poster
AliceB65 · 02/10/2024 16:50

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2024 16:40

He’s on to a good thing with you because he thinks you are so desperate for a man that you’d put up with any old crap from
him. Also you go all his washing, cooking and ironing for him. Why would he leave when he has all the above and also in his eyes a willing victim to abuse and otherwise mistreat as he sees fit. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Is the property held in joint names, is there a joint mortgage? Are you named in title deeds?. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable and your reasons for staying are very weak. He is likely making your health worse, he is certainly bashing your mental health. You have a choice re this man after all.

Read Women who love too
much by Dr robin Norwood

Appreciate your directness, it is me that needs to face this head on and accept who he is..yes, very weak excuses on my part.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 19:41

When your partner says to you in any situation 'if that was true' it is time to leave op. He doesn't value your opinion, he doesn't have your back, he is arguing for the sake of it.

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 19:45

@AliceB65 it is really easy to become used to this type of behaviour and normalised to it. Especially if it has built up over decades and there has not been any one specific identifiable episode of what you consider to be traditional abuse. The thing is you have spotted it and you are thinking about it now. You are stronger than you think Flowers

EmeraldDreams73 · 02/10/2024 19:45

Hi OP, I'm in my early fifties and had 20 years of an emotionally abusive marriage. Blaming your tone of voice for not engaging, when it's a pattern of behaviour in particular, is abusive and it won't be the only red flag when you think about it. I used to have to monitor my facial expressions as well as my tone of voice and even then (with frankly scary levels of control over my actual feelings) I was regularly "bullying" him when I ever tried to speak about anything I was unhappy about. It's an insidious thing - do read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? It opened my eyes enormously. Research, learn - and recognise your own feelings and wellbeing as being important too. You'll be able to start analysing his behaviour once you're familiar with all the tricks they use, and that will help a lot with clarity.

One more thing: my counsellor stopped me from blaming myself for "putting up with"/enabling his abuse. I beat myself up hugely about having stayed so long and put up with so much but she kept telling me that I'd only done what I needed to do to feel safe. There is no crime in wanting to see the best in people or in compromising but abusive people will twist everything to be your fault somehow. It's not you!!!