Partner unable to listen to my concerns without turning it into an argument

[AliceB65]

Hi,
Can I get some perspective on this please.

Recently tried to have a discussion with my partner regarding something that was bothering me, basically I had been spoke to in a disrespectful way by a dental professional. I kept it to myself for a little while because it didn't really register immediately, so I sat on it for a while.

I decided to tell my partner what had happened and how it had upset me and made me angry. What happened next was unbelievable.

He started kicking off saying, well if that is true, then why didn't you mention it when you came out of the appointment and really making a big deal out of it, I explained that I hadn't really processed what happened until afterwards and that I just needed to tell him, he then proceeded to labour the point until he managed to turn it into an argument about the fact that I should have mentioned it immediately, and implied that I was lying. He then said, what else is bothering you, I said nothing, to which he replied, well it makes me wonder!I it is beyond belief that this was the end result of me just wanting to offload my concerns to him.

Expressing your thoughts and feelings to your partner really shouldn't end in arguments...Anyone else have this problem?

What is the AIBU board OP?

Hi issues are, cannot tolerate a reasonable discussion on any level, gaslights the situation, plays the perpetual victim in situations he has created, turns every discussion into a personal attack against him...the list goes on...it is impossible to talk with it ending up going round in perpetual circles with no constructive outcome, I have been supportive and a kind listening ear to his many "issues " finally realising that phrase " when someone shows you who they are belive it" I feel like the biggest fucking fool ever!

Two things need to happen here

1. I need to get out

2 I need to lower my expectations No, make that 3 things. I need to realise I deserve better.

Thank you for your support xx

You absolutely do deserve more

He is emotionally abusing you and your health will suffer as you try and mould yourself into someone he will no longer abuse. You are making yourself quieter and smaller but honestly you will never be quiet enough or small enough.

You can leave. You really, really can. It takes careful planning, it could even take a year or two but it is certainly possible. I am nearly 60, in really bad health (mostly housebound) with multiple problems, no job and no family, but guess what. I started divorce proceedings late last year and by Christmas the marital home will be sold, and I will be nearly free. It can be done. Start bullet pointing a plan and make it happen

Thank you, I really appreciate that xx

Op please don’t blame yourself or think of yourself as a fool. Lots of us have been in this situation and it’s so much easier to give advice from outside than it is to see clearly when you’re in the thick of it. Then on top of that, feelings get in the way and feeling sorry for them etc etc etc. It might take a while to get fully detached but I think you’ll be shocked at the peace you have when you do x

I appreciate your support even though you are struggling yourself,, in a similar situation here, 63 with health issues, no capital and no-one to help or talk to, only difference is I am not married.
I just can't cope with it anymore, it is literally making me ill. Are you still living under the same roof together?

Appreciate your comments and support, dealing with an immature man-child is exhausting and draining, this is not what I deserve at all. There gas been no interest in me for a long time, physically and emotionally. I am so fucking angry, mostly at myself for not getting out of it

Yes my bf is like this. I think he thinks he needs to solve it. If said in a different way he analyses my tone of voice and body language

Men should not be trying to manage your emotions, responses, tone, facial expressions or anything else. If they don't like who you are they should leave you alone.

Makes perfect sense to me OP.

It obviously doesn't make sense to a toxic individual

Scarily it does make sense to them. They use it to gain power and control.

I just can't cope with it anymore, it is literally making me ill. Are you still living under the same roof together?
Same. I've just been diagnosed as having FND due to emotional trauma of living with him for nearly 40 years because I thought I was financially trapped. And yes we have been living "together". I've coped because I knew it was no longer for ever, I was escaping at some point.

Is the house partially yours? Get it valued when he is out of the house. Preferably get three quotes but one is good enough for a plan.

Find out what benefits you might be entitled to from one of the check sites. Or contact Citizens Advice.

Have a look at Rightmove for rental places and see what you can afford and where. No idea if you are working but I think some councils can help with a deposit. Perhaps make an appointment with the council welfare officer.

Gather information, then make a plan. Then readjust your expectations and try again. Don't give up.

Contact Women's Aid for support regarding his abuse. They might be able to signpost you to local help and/or therapy but at the very least they will validate your feelings and that can be so incredibly and wonderfully freeing and powerful when you are at the beginning. You are heard.

I wanted to thank everyone here that has given support. Particularly wanted to say, for those of you who have suffered similar, I understand now how it is futile to even try and reason with this behaviour, so I'm not going to bother anymore. My needs are not being met and I an gaining nothing from this relationship anymore. Time to think about ME just feel so selfish saying that because that is not what I am used to doing

♥️ you are going to be fine. Imagine how peaceful it will be.

OP you are too old to put up with this behaviour and he is too old to change.

Time to start getting your ducks in a row x

I have already told him I am getting nothing from the relationship, he just shut the door and said "fine" but that's OK, I don't deserve to be treated like this

Please stop blaming yourself OP, you have not 'allowed' him to abuse you or 'put up with it'. He alone is responsible for his abusive behaviour. It's difficult to recognise abuse and difficult again to leave. Please get some help and advice from Women's Aid.

I left my emotionally abusive/controlling relationship 4 years ago. I got cancer shortly after leaving. I rent a room in a shared house and live on benefits as cancer treatment has left me with chronic fatigue. My life is still so much happier and easier than it was when I was with my ex.

Sending love and hugs, you are stronger than you think 🫂💜

I am so very sorry you had to go through all this, just awful 😥
I have given so much to this, there is other stuff he has done, which I would prefer not to ho into as it is painful, but will say that it nearly broke me, I gave another chance on the basis that he would change and improve, it hasn't happened

They never change

You can get out of it.
You're only 63 and you could easily have well over 25 years or more! Don't waste time being unhappy.

Get advice from Women's Aid.

Oh, is there a reason I might be better not knowing??

He sounds completely insane.