Partner unable to listen to my concerns without turning it into an argument

[AliceB65]

Hi,
Can I get some perspective on this please.

Recently tried to have a discussion with my partner regarding something that was bothering me, basically I had been spoke to in a disrespectful way by a dental professional. I kept it to myself for a little while because it didn't really register immediately, so I sat on it for a while.

I decided to tell my partner what had happened and how it had upset me and made me angry. What happened next was unbelievable.

He started kicking off saying, well if that is true, then why didn't you mention it when you came out of the appointment and really making a big deal out of it, I explained that I hadn't really processed what happened until afterwards and that I just needed to tell him, he then proceeded to labour the point until he managed to turn it into an argument about the fact that I should have mentioned it immediately, and implied that I was lying. He then said, what else is bothering you, I said nothing, to which he replied, well it makes me wonder!I it is beyond belief that this was the end result of me just wanting to offload my concerns to him.

Expressing your thoughts and feelings to your partner really shouldn't end in arguments...Anyone else have this problem?

Thank you
I do intend to call women's aid because I feel I need to get this out, because at the moment I just feel like I could happily throw him under a bus, I do not want to feel all this anger, that is not who I am. Yes, the house is half mine, but I can't support myself financially easily.

Good for you OP! They rely on us being kind and wanting to see the best in them. Be prepared for a huge lovebombing episode when he sees that you're serious about getting out and stick to your guns. Look up grey rock as a method of keeping him at emotional arm's length, it's invaluable. Don't get sucked in to ridiculous circular arguments, keep as bland and boring as you can (like a grey rock!).

Remember that nobody is abusive 24/7 or they'd have nobody to abuse - my ex husband can be lovely when it suits him. It's easy to be nice when everything's going your way, but men like this seem to think they live in a bubble and everyone around them will just suck up their nastiness. They definitely get worse as they get older, too. Get away before you end up potentially nursing/caring for him physically, if he's like this when (I'm assuming) he's reasonably healthy, God help you if anything happened in future that he hadn't chosen!

It's well worth pointing things out every time now your eyes are opened to him - if you feel safe enough to do that. I found it very helpful to spell it out for my ex (as everything I tried to bring up was ignored/minimised/denied) - kept it short but along the lines of "when you do/say xyz I feel abc. This isn't OK for me and your behaviour is making me ill. Next time xyz happens this relationship is over". Obviously make sure you've made your plans and sorted things out in your head but when you're ready it's a useful line in the sand.

Then make sure you refer back to that conversation when he does it again, which he will. It helps you stick to your guns when they try to say it's come out of the blue/no warning etc. Even though you've tried 100 times to talk about the effect they're having and got nowhere, they'll try to tell the world (and convince themselves) that you're being unfair/overreacting. When you're questioning yourself it's helpful to be able to say, I told him one more time of xyz and he's out, and I'm sticking to that.

My ex had to be reminded of the above scenario multiple times while wailing that it was all so sudden etc etc. I had tried SO many times to talk to him and been silenced. Eventually I got my ducks in a row and said, do that again and we're done. It still took a few more times (we had kids/business/property to complicate it) but I did it. He once said "well, now I know you really mean it..." when trying to get me to change my mind! I told him I'd rather be alone than with someone who is only willing/capable of being respectful and kind to me under the threat of me leaving.

Sorry, rambling now. Hope it makes sense. Feel free to dm me if you like, I unfortunately have a lot of experience! Many of us have been there but there is an alternative and it's not your fault!!

AIBU is Am I Being Unreasonable.

It seems to bring out the worst in people.

Yes, the house is half mine, but I can't support myself financially easily.
Speak to Citizens Advice or the council welfare officer. They might be able to point out help or support regarding benefits or rental help. If you sell the house/he buys you out i believe you are given 6 months grace as far as UC are concerned but this is where CAB or council can help more precisely. Find out exactly what you are entitled to first. Accept your life will be worse in some ways but a whole lot better in other ways. For instance I might have to ration my food BUT I would rather do that than live with him. Not having nice food or treats is a price worth paying as far as I am concerned but some people think that is too big a trade off. Do what you are comfortable with but please do consider making these hard decisions for your freedom and your inner peace, it will be worth it

Apologies I missed this reply, he has issues in handfuls, how I ended up being involved with a person like this is unbelievable! Impossible to reason, discuss, find constructive outcomes, a 2 year old toddler in a grown ups body 😡

😊 thank you for explaining, lots of great support here, feel better for that 🤗