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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wiped from his social media

55 replies

Disappearedwife · 01/10/2024 13:45

Have been married a number of years and have two small children under 4.
Husband has felt pushed out by my attention being on the children and I discovered and affair (from when our DC was just a newborn). It’s now over he says (she’s in another country so I would know if they were seeing each other).

We keep having the same argument about his social media where over the years he stopped posting about me. It’s been 3 years since I existed. There’s lots and lots of other pics of our kids or his life but I just don’t exist at all. He says I’m controlling trying to dictate what he posts. I’ve said it’s hurtful and suspicious that I don’t exist.
originally he deleted all traces of me just after our baby was born and he started the affair. Presumably to hide from the other woman that he was still married to me and living with me etc.

He now won’t post any pics of me or include info that I exist. I keep reiterating the same points of if he loves me (which is text me this morning) and keeps saying how good our relationship is nowadays, why am I a dirty secret? I think it also shows all his friends how little respect me has for me.

please help me explain why this hurts me so much and also I’m so angry?

OP posts:

RainbowZebraWarrior · 01/10/2024 13:50

I'm sorry but this sounds to me like he's on Tinder or still having an affair(s).

If he had an affair with someone who lives abroad, but still wants to keep you secret, then he wishes to appear single on his social media.

It's very common. I met a few guys via online dating who had pics of the kids on social media, but no wife. That was their way of pretending they were separated.

Either way this is awful for you and I'm sorry.

Typo

Girlmom35 · 01/10/2024 13:55

It's pretty obvious, isn't it?
He had an affair.
For some incomprehensible reason you haven't left him. And more so, despite the affair and him needing to make some serious ammends, somehow you've still ended up in a push-and-pull situation where you're practically begging him to love you and show you that he loves you, and he's able to reject your pleas whenever they cause a discomfort to him.

What is the hold that this man has on you?
Do you not feel that you deserve better than to be with someone who clearly isn't very devoted to your marriage? If he was, the affair never would have happened in the first place. And if he was really remorseful and devoted to making things right between you, don't you think he'd jump at the chance to win you over by plastering you all over his social media?

I think you need to take a long, hard look at the power imbalance in your marriage and ask yourself if you want to be living like this for the rest of your life.

GreenGrass28 · 01/10/2024 14:07

He should at least have his status as married and linked to your profile (assuming you have one), why wouldn't he? Well you know why...

Autumnalmanac · 01/10/2024 14:14

He obviously is not sorry about the affair OP. And he is putting the blame on you because he isn't " getting enough attention " And calling you controlling when all the onus should be on him to be transparent to help you regain trust in him.
He still wants to appear as a single man. There is absolutely no reason to think he can be trusted. If he isn't having another affair he certainly wants to.
Is this the life you want OP?

Snowdrops17 · 01/10/2024 14:16

If I were you I would start taking family photos and selfies and tag him in them ...

Scrambledchickens · 01/10/2024 14:23

He doesn’t like or respect you, he should be proud to put pictures up of you.

Elektra1 · 01/10/2024 14:31

God he's a shithead. He has one foot out of the door and that's why he doesn't want to post any "married" pictures. Do yourself a favour and get as much info as possible about his financial situation together before you let him know he's free to pursue his new life. You will be happier.

Cas112 · 01/10/2024 14:33

OP, he's either very clearly ashamed of you and the marriage or leaving space to be able to entertain another affair, no trace of you makes this easy to do so.

StormingNorman · 01/10/2024 14:35

There’s no good reason to pretend you don’t exist.

Pixiewombat · 01/10/2024 14:36

Er, so when he does the script (she doesn't understand me, I'm only staying for the DC) there's no evidence to show a happy family life.

worriedMiL33 · 01/10/2024 14:36

petty, but you could tag him all over your timeline @Disappearedwife?

2Little · 01/10/2024 14:39

He's pretending to be single and cheating on you.

raydavis · 01/10/2024 14:41

The fact you've forgiven an affair and are willing to work on the marriage means he should be bending over backwards to reassure you and win back your trust.

You've made it clear you'd like to be on his SM. He actively uses this but is not willing to post photos/references of you to give you the reassurance he OWES you.

I think it's pretty clear why he wants to appear single. However, even if you give him the benefit of the doubt on that - why would you give someone a 2nd chance if they're not doing everything they can to help a relationship recover from an absolutely monumental fuck up that they caused

The fact he's not grovelling for forgiveness and willing to do all that it takes would be enough for me to bin him off

Seaoftroubles · 01/10/2024 14:53

I wouldn't trust him an inch OP, he is obviously still presenting himself as a single man. He cheated, he is probably still cheating or looking to cheat. Why on earth would you put up with this?

Original poster

Disappearedwife · 01/10/2024 15:01

Right so all of these replies are very accurate. I know I’m staying in a not great marriage for the wrong reasons.

We talked about it just now and he’s posted a family photo of us all. Should I be okay with this for now? I guess if he deletes it or go back to only posting other pics of his life I should be annoyed again. Is this enough for now??!

OP posts:

RainbowZebraWarrior · 01/10/2024 15:10

Disappearedwife · 01/10/2024 15:01

Right so all of these replies are very accurate. I know I’m staying in a not great marriage for the wrong reasons.

I don't really understand why you're asking strangers "is this enough for now?" (I do get you being here and asking for advice in general, though)

Is it enough for you?

It wouldn't be for me, no. Yes, of course he will delete it. He's doing the bare minimum to keep you off his back, patted you on the head, shut you up for now. Men like this never change and I've seen it over and over again.

The minute you start to worry again, he will call you controlling and mistrustung if you question him. He will act wounded, so you will back off.

And round and round until you've wasted as many years as it takes for you to leave.

Original poster

Disappearedwife · 01/10/2024 15:13

RainbowZebraWarrior · 01/10/2024 15:10

I don't really understand why you're asking strangers "is this enough for now?" (I do get you being here and asking for advice in general, though)

Is it enough for you?

The minute you start to worry again, he will call you controlling and mistrustung if you question him. He will act wounded, so you will back off.

And round and round until you've wasted as many years as it takes for you to leave.

Show quote history

Yeah I know, I agree. I thought the same thing when I wrote it. I don’t know why I asked that, I guess my brain is just mush trying to make the best of it all.
I know it’s not good enough, I know his behaviour is not good enough.

i haven’t left for a myriad of reasons. I will one day.

OP posts:

LightSpeeds · 01/10/2024 15:22

Elektra1 · 01/10/2024 14:31

^Totally this.

Don't hang around to be insulted by his behaviour!

maclen · 01/10/2024 15:25

If you're not going to leave then these responses are all pointless... It always astounds me what people put up with in relationships.

Getonwitit · 01/10/2024 15:47

You know the truth. He loves his children but can't cope with not being number one on your list of priorities. Forget the woman from the first affair, that is not who he is sleeping with now.

Snowdrops17 · 02/10/2024 10:27

Disappearedwife · 01/10/2024 15:01

Right so all of these replies are very accurate. I know I’m staying in a not great marriage for the wrong reasons.

Social media shouldn't be the reason you stay or go honestly just take that completely out of the equation and look at the relationship

Farmwifefarmlife · 02/10/2024 10:45

i also do this and see what do does / say? Surly you tag him in stuff? Me & my DH tag each other in most things we post.

IsawwhatIsaw · 02/10/2024 11:11

Rightfully the trust has gone. He’s likely ended one affair and thinking about another..
if you don’t want to end it now, how about at least having a chat with someone about finances and housing so you have an idea of what you might be entitled to

Original poster

Disappearedwife · 02/10/2024 12:52

IsawwhatIsaw · 02/10/2024 11:11

Thanks yes I’ve done all of that with a solicitor etc. It’s not a pretty picture

OP posts:

jolota · 02/10/2024 12:54

No it's not enough but that's not really the point - he had an affair and it probably only ended because this person is abroad/you found out.
He's keeping his options open for another affair by continuing to not post you on social media BUT if he does start posting you on social media, that doesn't mean he won't still find a way to have an affair.
He's obviously not going above and beyond to repair the relationship and show he cares about you after the affair.
I would be getting my ducks in a row to leave asap.

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