Wiped from his social media

[Disappearedwife]

Have been married a number of years and have two small children under 4.
Husband has felt pushed out by my attention being on the children and I discovered and affair (from when our DC was just a newborn). It’s now over he says (she’s in another country so I would know if they were seeing each other).

We keep having the same argument about his social media where over the years he stopped posting about me. It’s been 3 years since I existed. There’s lots and lots of other pics of our kids or his life but I just don’t exist at all. He says I’m controlling trying to dictate what he posts. I’ve said it’s hurtful and suspicious that I don’t exist.
originally he deleted all traces of me just after our baby was born and he started the affair. Presumably to hide from the other woman that he was still married to me and living with me etc.

He now won’t post any pics of me or include info that I exist. I keep reiterating the same points of if he loves me (which is text me this morning) and keeps saying how good our relationship is nowadays, why am I a dirty secret? I think it also shows all his friends how little respect me has for me.

please help me explain why this hurts me so much and also I’m so angry?

I know I'll sound extremely paranoid/cynical but it's for good reason. I previously found out that when my (now ex) DP posts pictures on his fb he used different viewing settings for when I was in the photos vs. when I wasn't and I later found out it was to appear single and hide them from the OW.

You need to look at the small symbol next to date stamp to see who is able to see the photo he's posted.

I'd be tempted to check this on the phot you're in and see if he uses the same settings as he does for his other posts.

And yes I'm OTT but with good reason

I recently posted about this exact thing. My husband hasn’t posted me on socials in a good 2-3 years. He posts pretty much everything else just leaves me out. When I pulled him up on it the first time he said “well everyone knows I’m married” and laughed it off. I don’t know why I left it but I did.
Ive now discovered he has been messaging another woman on insta (one that I know of, wouldn’t surprise me if there were more tbh) and suddenly it all makes sense. When I asked again why he left me out of pictures he claimed he didn’t realise he was doing it 😂🙄 ok hun.

I have decided to separate. Not for these reasons alone but they play a part.

don’t let him play you like a fool. He should be showing off his wife just as much as anything else.

Actually I don't post any photos on social media public as my social media is all private so I get that icon. I'm not cheating or hiding anything.

So interesting thank you

@maclen my point was to check if his settings were different on the photo with OP in it vs. his usual behaviour

Everything I post is private and I've never cheated or tried to hide a partner

With my ex he posted all his photos as private so that wasn't an issue. The difference with the ones I featured I was that the setting was that they could be seen by "friends except....." and he had it so that certain female 'friends' that he was flirting with couldn't see the photos I was in.

I had assumed that it was a normal private post, ie all his friends could see. However, he'd carefully selected a number of people who could not see those specific photos but could see the ones where it was just him or him and his DC

I agree. He's actively pursuing other women and claiming he's divorced or separated.

It's appeasement. Being appeased with a photo, while knowing that he's highly likely to cheat again is not enough to make it worth staying. You obviously have your reasons for staying, but the decision shouldn't hinge on him posting a photo.

He doesn't respect you let alone love you. Give him the boot!

I'm so sorry but clearly he's wiped you for a reason. She may be out of the country but I'd bet there are plenty more here. I hope you have support and can leave this farce of a marriage for you and your children's sake.

You are supposed to be in reconciliation after his affair. He should be moving heaven and earth to help you heal and feel safe.

He is not.

Is this because he has done zero work to understand the damage OR because deep down he has zero remorse?

If he has zero remorse then you’re on a hiding to nothing and just use the marriage to spring board yourself into a better position to leave for you and your small children when you are ready and fwiw I totally understand staying until they’re a little older. But you will need to emotionally distance yourself from these sorts of behaviours.

If you believe he is remorseful but has just rug swept and not dealt with anything, then he needs to have a sharp wake up call as to what you need to help you feel safe again. And that could be you saying if he doesn’t do x,y,z to help you feel safe then you will leave. These kinds of ultimatums have to be absolutely real otherwise the cheat senses it and you weaken your position. I read once you have to be prepared to lose the marriage to save the marriage. If you want a book recommendation ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ is widely considered one of the best books describing the actions of a remorseful partner. Surviving Infidelity is a fantastic resource base whether you stay or go!

I’m not going to say you should stay or go as this is your life and your choice but what you do need to do is centre yourself. Focus less on his actions and behaviours and more on your own to pull yourself into a stronger safer position.

You matter, you (and your young family) deserve his full and unadulterated work to help you heal or he is just a waste of your time and energy.

Different perspective. Make the best out of this shit situation. Split all responsibilities 50/50. Consider him as a Co parent , not lover/ partner. Just someone you need to be civil with till you can leave and do the same- find a lover on the side.

I sort of agree with the PP, except a man who is entitled enough to have an affair isn't likely to be 50/50 in anything.

But if you have decided to stay for other reasons, you have to be realistic. This is who he is - a person who doesn't care about you. You have to accept that. He's not even making amends for his affair - that's how little he cares.

Marriages historically were often essentially transactional and little to do with love, so there's no reason you can't have a transactional marriage if you want.

Whenever you feel upset about something, remind yourself 'this is who he is - a man who doesn't love me. I'm not here for love, I'm here for [insert reason]. This is the price of [insert reason].

Who knows, one day, the price of your reasons may seem too high and you might leave.

I think you’ve summed up how I feel perfectly about I am staying for X reasons.

It is very much transactional

I’m really sorry but he is keeping his options open. He sees himself as single and wants other women to do the same. Please take some time to get your ducks in a row. Then leave that cheating asshole.

This is about your insecurity over the affair. I never post my husband on my social media, and vice Versa, wouldn’t occur to me, but neither of us have cheated. So we aren’t looking for signs on the relationship.

quite simply you’re not over the affair.

He is upto no good. He's got form and yes it's more than suspicious, it's not about social media but the fact he actually uses it to post children etc but you didn't exist on there is telling.
The picture you say he's posted, do you know the privacy settings of it, because you can easily choose to post it to nobody or to select few people like family.

If you're on social media, you're usually one of 2 types -

Don't post anything particularly personal at all.
Or
Post about daily life - family kids etc.

The fact he's deliberately not posting anything to do with you tells you what you need to know - he's only staying with you out of convenience and for the kids.

The excuse that he felt pushed out is pathetic - no reason to have an affair at all.

Do the brave thing and end it yourself - take back control of your life.

Do not put up with it for the kids - otherwise you're teaching them to stay in an unhappy relationship.

So you never post a pic of yourselves together or that you've been somewhere together etc?

I find that odd too.

No, doesn’t occur to me. I’d post the place.

Sadly if you put your foot down too much he’ll just make another secret account. I think if my husband had an affair and we were working on the marriage I’d want to be part of his profile picture! And I’d want to actually see him making some sacrifices and effort to make the marriage work.

He sounds like a turd let's be honest. I will never understand how people forgive cheating in the first place,he lied to you for however long that affair went on. And was happy to do so. We don't do that to the ones we love. You deserve more than that and so does your child. Please don't settle for a lying twat that obviously makes you feel insecure. One life, live it happily and run from this guy!

That's a different icon. There is one for sharing with only your friends, and several different ones for "custom sharing" where you can choose specifically which friends can or can't see the post.

@Disappearedwife I don't think you can see exactly which friends he's sharing with, but if he's used a custom share icon then that's another massive red flag. I think the default "share with all friends" is a silhouette of 2 people, "share only with these friends" is a single person and "share with all friends except..." is one person and a greyed-out one.

Don't leave it as long as I did! My exdh also had an affair (with his PA - so original) when ds was a newborn. When I questioned certain things he implied I had gone crazy and when I found proof he said it was my fault as I wasn't giving him any attention. Well probably not as I was looking after 3dc, recovering from my 3rd c section, bfeeding 24 hours a day and also making sure the dc weren't in his way when he was resting after working full-time.

This sounds like my life but with 2 DC. I’m so sorry that happened to you, when did you leave?

How are things now? This happens a lot that people hide pictures from others. Someone I nearly had an affair with does this and the difference is his partner has a profile picture of all of them as a family. I am married and decided not to get involved with that so I came to my senses and distanced myself massively last year, he got the hint and deleted me which is good. On his insta page though you would think he is single.