How to tell abusive husband I’m leaving

[Cupofteaformeee]

I’m currently putting together a plan to leave emotionally/verbally abusive husband. I’m on the list for a council house/housing association property and once offered a place I will be able to leave.

Seeking advice on how to tell my husband I’m leaving him? Do I sit him down when the kids are in school and tell him? Write him a letter? Text him?? My plan is to tell him, arrange for my youngest to have a sleepover and I will be able to go that very day, my oldest teen dislikes sleepovers so I will have to leave him with his Dad until I can talk to him alone and explain the situation. Not ideal and I believe my husband would bad mouth me to my teen.

Has anyone been in a similar position please?

If you can, I'd leave and then tell him...once you have a place of your own you can take the kids with you, much less distressing all round.

Don't give him the heads up that you're leaving. Do you have support from a domestic abuse organisation? Please take specialist advice on how to leave safety. You have to prioritise the safety of you and DC over being 'fair' to your abuser. They don't miraculously improve when you leave

I would leave with the kids straight away can you stay with family or contact a group that helps families leave abusive situations then tell him then he can’t hurt or find you. While you wait for a house they could put you in emergency housing while you wait well done for taking this big step

Leave a note. Do not leave your dc. Even for just 1 night. Gives dh the opportunity to tell them you have left THEM ALL. ime.
Please take them immediately then make the arrangements to see their df.

In abusive situations, always have your exit strategy ready when you tell him, and never leave your children behind.
Don't assume the best possible outcome or reaction on his end, and don't worry about offending him by having a friend or family member present when you tell him. You no longer have to tiptoe around him and avoid conflict. Put yourself, your children, and your safety first.

You tell him after you and all the kids have left and are safely somewhere else. And don't tell him face to face either.

Also a letter is the best way. Go when he's not around leaving a brief note. It's probably wise to call the police in advance and say you will be leaving your abuser and if he calls to report you missing, they are not to share any information with him.

@Cupofteaformeee why would you even consider leaving your eldest child with the dad?? take them all with you at the same time. leave a note and dont give forwarding address. all contact through solicitors from then on. do NOT give him prior notice that you are leaving, that would be silly!

Some abusers won't accept being left and situations can turn dangerous.

Only tell him you've moved out after you have done so and by letter. Don't go into details and make accusations or use emotive words. Be factual.

Make sure the children are with you and not alone with him.

Make sure the children are with you and not alone with him.“

This, as @MissSkegness1951 says.

Start shipping your own and your children's things out in advance, take your oldest child with you and explain when you get to the new house, tell your husband after you have left.

Tell him once you are gone. Any advance warning and he might try and change your mind. Good luck 💐🙏❤️

Leave and then tell him.

I think that the advice with an abusive husband is not to tell him. You need advice from Womens Aid on how best to handle it.

DO NOT tell him your leaving. DO NOT leave your children with him. I have worked with domestic abuse survivors for a number of years and I can tell you that a) leaving the relationship is the most dangerous time for women and children and b) if you leave the children behind he might keep them from you and you will have to go to court to get access to them.

Contact women’s aid. Get them to help you make an exit plan. Gather all important documents, passports, drivers licenses, birth certificates, bank stuff, etc. Keep them together somewhere safe where he won’t find them. Ideally leave them with a trusted friend or family member.

Contact your local council and housing associations. Tell them you need to flee domestic abuse. Tell them that you have your children with you. They will have to house you as a priority and they keep a certain % of housing stock for exactly these purposes. You can apply to anywhere in the UK.

Contact the children’s schools and make them aware of the situation and that Dad is not allowed to pick them up from school, nor is your new address details to be passed on to him once you have moved. They will support you and the children through this.

Your other option is, depending on your housing situation, is to go to court and get an occupation order to allow you and the children to remain in the home and your DH will have to leave. Once you obtain this you change the locks and install a ring doorbell or similar. Keep the doors locked and if he comes to the property, call the police. DO NOT answer the door. Have him arrested any time he comes near you or the property. Then you can apply for a non mol to keep him away from you.

It’s a lot to take in and to go through, that’s why contacting women’s aid should be your first action. They will support you and give you the best advice. They can also put you in touch with the best lawyer in your area who have had good outcomes for their clients. They can also help you with sorting any benefits you may be entitled to.

Well done for making the decision to leave. You’re doing the right things.

Thank you all for your advice. I don’t know how long I’m going to have to wait for a house but once I’m offered one I will have to move fast.

The advice to tell him via a letter/in writing is sensible, I honestly don’t know what to say to him or whether to mention the reasons for my leaving. I think keeping it to the point is sensible too.

It’s my oldest teen that’s an issue - I really can’t imagine just turning up to his school and telling him we’ve left his Dad and we are going to another house. I feel that this would be traumatic for him. He’s autistic and very attached to our current home, dislikes change and needs a lot of preparation when it comes to change. I believe that he would be reluctant to come with me with no notice and I would have to prep him for this change and sell it like he’s going to stay with me part of the time and with his Dad part of the time.

Quite a few of his close friends have divorced parents and go between houses, he’s quite matter of fact about this so hopefully he will see it as his new normal.

I understand that leaving him with his Dad after I’ve told him that I’m leaving will risk his Dad telling him I’ve left him. I do feel like I have to sell this as DS not losing the family home but just staying with me part of the time. It’s very difficult.

Please seek advice from specialist support services. The time that you leave is the riskiest time for serious harm and death to you and your children. Please seek help x

I understand not wanting to traumatise your child.
However, being left by you and feeling abandoned will be equally traumatic, of not more.
There is no adequate way to deal with this situation. There is no option where your child comes out unbothered. You are going to uproot his life and potentially draw out an autistic crisis. In any other situation you can take that into consideration and weigh down your options. When leaving an abusive partner, you don't have that luxury.
Take your time with your child when picking him up from school. Spend hours on the steps of the school building even. But do not, under any circumstances, leave him behind with your ex.

Write a letter to be opened after the move. I would avoid reasons, as he almost certainly won't agree anyway. Leaving is the most dangerous time, so making sure you are safe is much more important.

Does your autistic son have any support person or therapist to help him with this? Do you know roughly how long it will take for a property? Do the council know how to communicate with you in a safe and private way so he doesn't see anything?

This is why you apply for an occupation order then. That way you and your children can remain in the family home. Less disruption for you asn child. Speak to women’s aid and they will help you navigate this.

@TipsyJoker
without a court order a school cannot legally prevent someone with PR from collecting their child.

Thanks, I have considered an occupation order, however the more I think about it, the more I love the idea of starting completely fresh somewhere, somewhere that is completely mine. Women’s Aid advised that sometimes remaining in the family home can result in harassment from the ex and the ex seeing the house as “theirs”. Husband has always made a big deal about how he’s never had a home of his own until our marriage and hopes I never take that away from him.

That was my first thought and I definitely do not think it's wise to stay in what he will very likely consider to be 'his' house. You won't get a moment's peace psychologically, either, because there'll be reminders of him and your relationship everywhere.

New home, new life.

Yes exactly! There’s reminders everywhere, nice reminders of family time obviously and not so nice ones too. Basically ghosts everywhere. Also the family home needs a fair bit of work and has been worn down by kids/toddlers etc. Starting fresh somewhere feels right as opposed to staying.

Don't tell him.