How to tell abusive husband I’m leaving

[Cupofteaformeee]

I’m currently putting together a plan to leave emotionally/verbally abusive husband. I’m on the list for a council house/housing association property and once offered a place I will be able to leave.

Seeking advice on how to tell my husband I’m leaving him? Do I sit him down when the kids are in school and tell him? Write him a letter? Text him?? My plan is to tell him, arrange for my youngest to have a sleepover and I will be able to go that very day, my oldest teen dislikes sleepovers so I will have to leave him with his Dad until I can talk to him alone and explain the situation. Not ideal and I believe my husband would bad mouth me to my teen.

Has anyone been in a similar position please?

That’s technically true but what they can do, and I’ve known schools to do this for domestic abuse cases, is delay the non resident parent so that the resident parent can come to the school and take the child home. The school should def be told what’s happening in order to support the child, especially given there are asn.

I told my 16 year old that I was moving out and getting a smaller place for us to make sure they were coming before I signed the rental agreement as I would not have left them there. Older kids already had their own place....
I told him a few days before I moved out - it was bloody awful !! Looking back I think telling them verbally on the phone once you have left is much easier !!

You don't.
Do not reveal your plans.
You leave
When you safe and away
Then you send email maybe via third party setting out child arrangements or leaving to him to go to court.
Tell him and he will stop you or cry or be violent or all three

With my asd ds it us better to inform in the moment.
So in this case pick him up take him to new house and have a social story prepared
Otherwise he will stress more in anticipation and will scupper your move

A social story is a good idea, thank you. I’m not sure how long I will have to wait for a house but I’ll need to have a proper plan when one does come up and I will need to work fast.

I’m sorry to hear that, those 3 days must have been awful. My original plan was to end the marriage and then wait for a house while still living with ex. In hindsight that would have been a terrible idea. My plan is to text him once I’ve gone/moved in instead of having it out with him face to face.

I honestly don’t know what to say to him or whether to mention the reasons for my leaving.

Unless you have reported already specific abuse then no point saying "why" he will deny or twist . (And do report eg to gp or school safeguarding or police) .

Anyone can leave a relationship any time.

No doubt he is super charming to others and tons of people wil wonder but that is their issue

He isn’t the NRP though and even if he were then if he were to become suspicious and involve the police say or escalate the situation the school legally are obliged to surrender the child to someone with PR. Which includes him in the current scenario. This sadly is the case even is circumstances where DA is a factor unless there is an Order to state otherwise.
I only stopped worrying about this when I received the protection of a Court Order in this regard.

Yes I understand that but what I’m saying is, when they move he will become the NRP and the school can inform the RP if he turns up at the school, allowing her to get to the school before he takes the child away from the premises. OP should make them aware now that DA is happening and that she’s intending to move to safeguard herself and the children. This way the school can support before and after the move, including safeguarding their new address details, providing counselling services to the children and making the RP aware if they NRP turns up at the school. OP can apply for a CO once she’s moved. It might be that he won’t even turn up at the school but the school should be made aware of the situation regardless.

all I said to you was that unless there is a Court Order in place that a school has no legal basis to refuse to hand over a child to a person with PR
as far as I am aware there are millions of children up and down the country who are regularly collected by NRP or they are in shared care arrangements. Schools don’t have the capacity of frankly the interest to do what you are describing here nor would staff risk getting themselves into potentially serious trouble or being the subject of a complaint in this sort of scenario. And this includes situations where there is domestic abuse sadly UNLESS there are court orders or other processes in place such as Child Protection Plans, LA involvement and so forth.
schools don’t share addresses with anyone because of data protection etc in any event. Even within separated families.

of course the school should be made aware but their hands are tied unless certain factors are at play. This will also apply in the time when the OP leaves and prior to any court applications or necessary disclosures of abuse.

Get vacuum storage bags for clothes that are not being worn at the moment.
Also use them for towels and other stuff like bedding.
Pretend you're decluttering or want to maximise storage,simplify wardrobe whatever.
Easier to chuck these in the boot do you can pack anything else on top of them .
Then you'll have as much as you need rather than the clothes on your back.
It also means your DCs will have familiar stuff when you all move.
You can also use it as s way to de clutter for real as well.
Boxes for the DCs toys so they can organize their stuff in an effort with the 'de cluttering' gambit.
Good luck xxxxx

This is the last time in going to reply because you’re either not understanding what I’m saying here or you’re deliberately trying to be contrary. My experience of schools stalling and contacting the other parent is clearly different from yours. That’s my own personal experience and that of a number of women I’ve worked with as a DA advisor over a number of years. I clearly stated they didn’t have legal authority to prevent a parent with PR from collecting, unless there is a CO in place but if made fully aware they can stall and allow the parent to get to the school before the child is removed, especially if there are safeguarding concerns, ASN or the NRP is behaving aggressively. Schools can also call the police if they have concerns about a parent’s behaviour on the premises. Obviously, the OP would have to speak to the school and ascertain the schools position on this and regardless of their position, they should be made aware of the situation in order to best support the child in their care whilst at school.

you wrote ….

“Contact the children’s schools and make them aware of the situation and that Dad is not allowed to pick them up from school”

All I stated was that this is legally incorrect which it is without the protection of a Court Order or another process such as a CPC, bail conditions etc.

you cannot contact your children’s school and tell them their other parent or anyone with PR is not “allowed” to collect them without a legal basis for doing particularly if all they have done is turn up on the premises to collect their child in the absence of any / all of the above. I considered it appropriate to respond to that in case your post had imbued the OP with a false sense of hope in that particular regard.

furnishing that advice with your career experience and anecdotes about what you’ve seen and been involved with doesn’t change the law in that regard.

Thanks for all your replies and advice. It’s so difficult as he’s being so nice and reasonable lately, his last outburst was in June and I did tell him it was over in person back then. He’s been the perfect husband ever since and acts like our conversation never happened. Things are so normal at the moment that I doubt all the terrible things he’s said and done to me. It’s so confusing.

As soon as you have alternative accomodation, wait for him to be out then just leave the building. You can write a note or text him.
Presumably you'll need to tell the kids just before the event, and assuming they want to go with you then just go and don't look back.
If he's abusive you should report him to the police when you leave. And potentially get a restraining order.

This is called the cycle of abuse. Abusers are not horrible all the time. The will be awful, then they will be nice, then they will have another outburst, usually after a period of the victim walking on eggshells and trying not to make them mad, etc. They do this to confuse the victim and make them think the abuser might change and things will be ok. However, this is an act. The real person is the abusive one. They never change. Please read this book. It’s a free link. It will help you understand and make sense of your confusion and situation. Once you’re safely in your new home and away from him, do the freedom programme and it will help you understand further still.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Don't tell him until afterwards
Speak to school / head of year / pastoral support, etc

Thank you, I’ve got that book and it’s been invaluable. I’m definitely trapped in the cycle of abuse, it’s like he’s two different people.

Thank you for all your advice. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m actually doing this. Especially when we have a nice day as a family and things are happy and calm.

It’s difficult as much of the abuse took place when I was pregnant or soon after the DCs were born. I was trapped and had no idea how to leave him.

He’s never been physically abusive -

He has - name called (every name under the sun)
Threatened to smash me across the face with our sons pram.
Threatened to kill himself.
Told me to go and kill myself.
Threatened to urinate on my clothes.
Threatened to pick me up and throw me against a wall.
Shouted loudly in public that I’m an abuser.
Many many more terrible things including saying that I’m indifferent to our children then the next day saying how wonderful I am as a Mother.
Says I ignored our son for the first two years of his life when I had PND 😔

He’s “improved” in the sense that the very bad fights/awful things said are less frequent and he claims that my punishment of him does not fit the crime and that I hold a grudge towards him. In the good times he’s kind and generous and treats me like a princess (his words)

It feels harder to leave during the “good” times as it feels like it’s coming out of the blue rather than leaving when angry after a fight. Sorry for the long reply. Just trying to make sense of everything.

Hoping I won’t have to wait long for a property for myself and my children.

Tell him after you’ve gone, until then make sure you have passports/birth certificates for you all somewhere safe.
I’d suggest telling him via text or email as if he replies you’ll have potential evidence of his behaviour.

You don't tell him. Don't even hint at the fact you are moving on and be incredibly careful, as things can turn nasty once he loses control.

My abusive ex rang the police and told them to find me. They told him he had no right to know where I was or ask me questions.

That’s awful, I hope you are finally free of him. 💐

Yes, I’m planning on telling him via text - I did think about telling him face to face then going but I think it’s best to tell him when I’ve gone. I just doubt that it’s harsh to tell him it’s over via a text but it’s much safer as I don’t know how he will react.

@Cupofteaformeee at least, if it is over texts, you will have proof of any threats he sends!!

Yes, if he became abusive face to face he would deny or gaslight that he ever said those things.