What's acceptable and what's cheating?

[Whatthemary]

NC because I don't want my other threads linking.
I am looking for some perspective because I feel that I'm losing my mind and I am aware that I am feeling emotionally charged and don't want to cause damage that can't be undone!
In a nutshell, DH admitted to looking through girls profiles on social media because he found them attractive, I told him this made me feel like shit basically. I understand we all have eyes, we can all appreciate an attractive person but specifically looking up girls because they are attractive felt like a low blow. He accepted it wasn't right. Now my issue, I've just found out he has another social media platform and I plan to look through this - I have a sickening feeling he has or is doing the same on this platform, possibly even sending messages. So what I'm asking is when I look, depending on the outcome I need to prepare myself. Personally I feel he has broken my trust, but is this behaviour enough to mean we can no longer continue to be married? All else is good really. Am I taking this too personally? What if there aren't any messages and he has just been looking at other women? How would you feel? I don't trust my own judgement on how serious this should be taken.

I just want to add when we spoke about it he stressed this didn't mean he didn't find me attractive and in no way did it mean he wanted to be with anyone else he was just looking. Don't know if that makes it worse actually!

Personally, looking wouldn't bother me. I'm not really a jealous person. I don't care who my husband looks at. I'm not bothered about porm either. I wouldn't accept messaging or interacting. Whats the purpose of these interactions?

Unlikely he is just looking, he will message sooner or later. If he hasn't already. How is your relationship as you perceive? Do you have a healthy regular sex life? Do you do plenty of nice things together? Does he generally treat you well?
This may just be him looking for something he is missing in the relationship. If you feel that it is otherwise working then sit down with him and ask why he feels the need to do this. Ask to go to counselling - get him to sort that. If the relationship isn't working on other levels then he prepared to leave him.

Oh I also wouldn't be going through someone else's phone or social media. If you can't trust him then surely the relationship is dead anyway.

For me, if he's clocking random photos as he scrolls through socials and appreciating beauty, fair enough

If he's actively searching for pretty women's photos to appreciate/wank to.....not ok

If he's messaging....no. not ok

It really doesn’t matter how you define it. The problem is you find it disrespectful ( it is creepy ), and he should stop it for this reason alone. Be good if he recognised it is revolting as well.

"Just looking". How absolutely disrespectful to you.
His wedding vows obviously don't mean much to him do they?
The fact he thinks this is normal for a man in a supposed committed and loving relationship says a lot about him.
I couldn't get past this.

Wouldn’t bother me, I look at attractive men, I even follow a magic men male stripper. 😀

Why do we expect so little of men? There is such a thing as self-control. He doesn’t need to be trolling through other women’s accounts so that he can eye-fuck them, which let’s be frank, is what he’s doing. If it bothers you OP don’t let other people tell you you’re wrong.

Wouldn't bother me. Are you planning to stop him from looking at or finding people attractive in the street, or the supermarket?

If he's not sending sleazy messages then I wouldn't consider this cheating.

I mean everyone has their own boundaries and what they would consider “cheating”, for me just looking at someone’s social media isn’t cheating. I will say though that for me how I feel about this would depend who it is, if it’s Margot Robbie then not bothered at all, can’t say I’ve never looked at a celebs Insta, but if it’s Susan that he see’s down the pub every weekend then that’s a bit different. I wouldn’t be over the moon at him looking at other people’s photos but it’s not cheating.

If he has sent messages though for me that does cross the line and I would consider that cheating although again I’d preface that by saying I’d probably only feel like that if it was someone local/not a celeb.

Eye fuck? Bloody hell.

Don't understand your comment. That is what he is doing. That is why it is so disrespectful to OP.

Chocolatebuttonsandprosseco · Today 09:57

Wouldn’t bother me, I look at attractive men, I even follow a magic men male stripper. 😀

Says it all really.

Only you can decide whether this is cheating or not. And you are also allowed to go off a person for displaying this type of behaviour and your feelings change towards them.

Adultery is having sex with someone who isn’t your spouse.

DH isn’t cheating. But if his SM gives you the ick and you’re spying on him, you both need to adjust your behaviours. Is it girls you know?

I’d find being spied on more unattractive than fancying a movie star.

Thanks for the replies, it helps. Like I said I don't expect him to never see that other females exist, walking past people, people he knows, people on telly its just the going out of his way to look at other women's profiles that makes it feel not just appreciating somebodies beauty but actively looking - for what reason I don't know. If he has messaged anybody then yeah, I'm not going to ever be able to settle again and would rather split than live feeling uneasy thinking about what the messages contain or what they may lead to.

Its not movie stars though, it's not celebrities it's every day people. I haven't actually seen his social media, I'm not on it myself and I haven't looked yet - I sort of bluffed him and said I know you have been lead there at nights scrolling through girls profiles and he admitted it so I haven't seen anything yet and we didn't really get to discuss much further other.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this because these women can be messaged.

Ask him how he’d feel if you’re seeking out attractive men on socials.

"Girls" profiles?
How old are these females he is looking at?
If they aren't even adult women that puts a whole new slant on his behaviour OP.

You are the only one who can decide what's acceptable and what isn't.
There is no universal standard for relationships. Couples decide together where they set their boundaries. The fact that you're married and those boundaries are still this vague, means you've skipped important conversations before getting married. Time to have them right now.
My husband and I have very clear guidelines, which means that in the event that one of us crosses a line, at least we won't be arguiing back and forth over whether this was cheating or not. We'll both know exactly what it is.

Don't let people tell you one way or the other. Look inside yourself. You know where your boundaries are, and those should be respected by someone who's supposed to love you and care about you.

He states he finds them attractive.
But then he says he knows it's not right.
Actually the only reason he thinks it's not right is because his OP has told him it hurts her.
He doesn't actually think it's wrong, but he doesn't want to upset his wife.

So what will happen now is he will do it in secret and hide his activity, not because he's cheating but because she has said she doesn't like it.

If you're gonna complain about your partner looking at stuff which is published on line and accessible to the whole world, then they will do it in secret.

An alternative would be to sit down with him in a nice chill moment when there is one, and say "go on, show me some of the shit you look up online, let's look at it together" and then roll your eyes at the shit he looks at. Say "really?! Of all the things you could be looking at online. I'm bored already!". You'll feel his embarrassment radiating out of him.
This is when he sees it as wrong because it's shallow, rather than wrong because his wife is upset. So this might be when he stops doing it.

You can't actually police someone's online activity. Its the best way to make them sneaky.

I just would not feel comfortable looking up other men to perv over in this way. I think it's disrespectful. I don't want him to be sneaky, I dont want him to hide things. We have always had quite an open and honest relationship- I certainly have never hid things or lied to him. I just wish men didn't behave this way, I don't understand it. It doesn't feel nice.

I think sending messages talking to them is crossing the line and I would consider that cheating personally it's emotional cheating. I don't know any man that doesn't look including my DP he follows girls on TikTok mostly. I felt sick when I looked at some of it not overly sexual just big tits that kind of thing but I know he would never message them. I pointed out to him that everyone could see who he was following though including his nieces !!!

@snowdrops17 thankyou. I suppose I just have to try and not take it personally if its only looking. Doesn't make me feel good though and I would hate to know I was doing something which I was fully aware made my DH feel like crap.