What's acceptable and what's cheating?

[Whatthemary]

NC because I don't want my other threads linking.
I am looking for some perspective because I feel that I'm losing my mind and I am aware that I am feeling emotionally charged and don't want to cause damage that can't be undone!
In a nutshell, DH admitted to looking through girls profiles on social media because he found them attractive, I told him this made me feel like shit basically. I understand we all have eyes, we can all appreciate an attractive person but specifically looking up girls because they are attractive felt like a low blow. He accepted it wasn't right. Now my issue, I've just found out he has another social media platform and I plan to look through this - I have a sickening feeling he has or is doing the same on this platform, possibly even sending messages. So what I'm asking is when I look, depending on the outcome I need to prepare myself. Personally I feel he has broken my trust, but is this behaviour enough to mean we can no longer continue to be married? All else is good really. Am I taking this too personally? What if there aren't any messages and he has just been looking at other women? How would you feel? I don't trust my own judgement on how serious this should be taken.

I'm not sure it's cheating if he's only looking, but going out of his way to look up at women's profiles would make me feel crap, too. Why don't you sit next to him and start looking up men's profiles in front of him? See how he reacts?

Ha! I don't have any of the social media platforms he has - I'm pretty sure he would not like it! I feel so stupid for being soo bloody honest and loyal to him to the point I've come across as maybe really abrupt to other men because I haven't wanted them to ever get the wrong idea or make him feel uncomfortable!

Everyone has different views and there is a lot of people who suffer from jealousy on here. A lot. You see it in many threads, that doesn’t mean it’s ok, just it’s very common on here.

as said I follow a male stripper, it’s right there in amongst my home decor, renovation, funnies feed. I am neither eye fucking him or wanking over him as people charmingly have commented on here about yout partner. Simply he’s hot 😀

I couldn’t give a shit who my husband looks at, not one tiny shit. And I’d have the serious ick if he told me I wasn’t allowed to look at attractive men. How controlling would that be, I would obviously draw the line at messaging, but looking, nah, attractive people are all over the place.

It’s creepy and weird.

there’s one thing seeing an attractive person walking down the street and appreciating it but snooping around peoples profiles online searching for good looking people is another.

what’s his aim when looking at these profiles. Is he going to pleasure himself to photos if he finds something he likes? Will he message someone?

its just weird and disrespectful to you and isn’t the mind set of someone who’s in a happy contented relationship.

@daisychain505 that's exactly what it is - not admiring somebody (quietly and respectfully) if you see them but actively going online to do it. That's what feels disrespectful. I know he finds other women attractive, I do too but it's the actively seeking to look at attractive women which I feel is stinging!

Nah I'd dump my fella over that.

We all come across pictures of attractive celebs and think they're good looking then forget about it.. That's human.

Looking people up specifically? Very odd

This.
I'd consider it cheating. At the very least its incredibly disrespectful and quite rightly has made you feel like shit.
If he thought there was nothing wrong with it, he wouldn't have a secret profile now would he? But then I am also not sure i'd want to be with a man who was so epically thick as to not realise what he was doing is not something a married man (or a man in a committed relationship) does.
So basically he is saying he just looking. What, like window shopping? How lovely.
Sorry OP. What a shit situation for you. Honestly what is actually wrong with men these days?

It doesn’t need to be defined as cheating, it’s a behaviour you aren’t comfortable with. You do you, if you don’t like something then communicate that to him. You’re the one he’s married to.

But I think this is the online equivalent of him openly admiring other women when you’re out, which I can’t imagine strengthening anybody’s relationship.

This

😂😂 Yea, but us women are different to men.

It seems odd to go onto people's socials and just 'look'. If he wanted to look at pictures of sexy women there are millions of images like that all over the internet. I'm pretty sure he'll be chatting/flirting also. If that's the case then I would say that is unacceptable. If it really is just looking, at women who are fully clothed? I don't really buy anyone doing that...but then I guess I wouldn't be that bothered.

Has he broken your trust after you've both discussed boundaries? If so then I can understand your upset.

What's acceptable? That's personal to you both.

Whatever you both agreed as hard lines for your relationship. That's it. There is no universally accepted right or wrong, that's a myth.

In my relationship we have lines that others would consider unacceptable or maybe more blurred. I cannot control my partner and I don't want to. They are with me because they want to be. I want them fulfilled and if that means talking about alternative then that's what we do.

But we talk, we are consensual and we both know each other's hard lines we do not cross. If we crossed discussed lines we would struggle as a couple as that is a betrayal.

The most successful long term relationship needs compatibility and communication.

I have a very simple rule. If DH doesn’t want me to know about it, it’s cheating.

I have been there and the more you think about it the more you will feel sick . Be open to your husband how his behaviour is making you feel and what would he do if it was the other way around ? And ask if he is okay to respect you the right way ? Don't show him that you feel miserable and if he cannot help himself you can decide what you want

It’s about boundaries and what’s acceptable to both of you,DW looking at other men wouldn’t bother me, nor would messaging that’s just general chat, greetings, draw the line at gaining anything sexual or deeply emotional, DW has similar attitude

Seems like an extreme reaction to something minor. Looking at women’s profiles is not cheating. Divorcing over it is a complete overreaction, and to me would indicate that you have a really low self esteem, or some deep unhealed trauma; and that you’ll have trouble forming long term relationships with anybody.

People finding other people of opposite sex attractive is completely normal. I can scroll through a reel of a sexy male dancer, or some athletic guy flexing his muscles. Whatever Insta throws at me. Can even look at their profile to see more pics if I am curios.

I dont then plot to cheat on my partner.

Its paranoid to think that looking leads to cheating IF the relationship is OK and there are no other signs - changed behaviour, etc.

@Whatthemary - are you usually oversensitive and insecure? Is there anything else going on?

Sadly in this type of situation, I'm disinclined to believe a DH will tell the truth on questionning.

@jsku it's not helpful calling the OP "oversensitive and paranoid." just because you have different boundaries.
It's insensitive and further shames her for feelings that many women have.
If he's scrolling through sexual pictures of women late at night he's got a problem when he has a partner who wants to connect with him.

Sorry, "oversensitive and insecure" that was meant to say.

@WandsOut

Why are you making up a scenario where he is furtively scrolling ‘late at night’ while ignoring ‘his partner who wants to connect with him’….

OP did not mention anything like that - didn't she say they had a good relationships otherwise?… It’s not a thread where a man choses porn over sex with his partner. No need to twist OP’s words to fit some other narrative.

As to why I said what i said - well, because OP asked for opinions. And I stated mine.

I don't think all feelings are always justified. I think our history and traumas impact how we feel and behave in relationships. And i do think insecurities cause a lot of problems and destroy relationships.

I wouldn't be happy either. I feel like it's disrespectful to you. Social media is so warped that it's become the norm to some people to be able to do this. It's not the same as seeing someone in the street and finding them attractive.

You're not stupid at all. Don't you dare take responsibility for his behaviour - your loyalty and honesty shows what a good person you are!

He is absolutely (and this is at minimum level) being disrespectful to you. What you need to do now is find out how far this behaviour of his goes and what you are willing to accept from him. If he is messaging other women and hiding it from you, whether or not he has done anything from kissing onwards, it is still (to me) cheating.

Just an update, in regards to people speaking about boundaries and things that's been agreed/discussed before - this is a tough one because we have always had a no social media agreement for a few reasons but this is something that my DH then went against this and has since become present on a couple of social media platforms but for over a decade we didn't have clear lines because it was never relevant to our lives. Having said that, there have been very clear boundaries set and my stance was messages are as bad as physically cheating so he is aware of this.
I haven't checked his social media as i intended to do. I don't know why. I have had opportunity's and I've not taken them.

I'm saying this kindly, having been in a similar position 💐Do you think it's because you might find what you're dreading to find?

This. If he is hiding something it’s because he knows he has crossed a line and fears your justified hurt and anger.