What's acceptable and what's cheating?

[Whatthemary]

NC because I don't want my other threads linking.
I am looking for some perspective because I feel that I'm losing my mind and I am aware that I am feeling emotionally charged and don't want to cause damage that can't be undone!
In a nutshell, DH admitted to looking through girls profiles on social media because he found them attractive, I told him this made me feel like shit basically. I understand we all have eyes, we can all appreciate an attractive person but specifically looking up girls because they are attractive felt like a low blow. He accepted it wasn't right. Now my issue, I've just found out he has another social media platform and I plan to look through this - I have a sickening feeling he has or is doing the same on this platform, possibly even sending messages. So what I'm asking is when I look, depending on the outcome I need to prepare myself. Personally I feel he has broken my trust, but is this behaviour enough to mean we can no longer continue to be married? All else is good really. Am I taking this too personally? What if there aren't any messages and he has just been looking at other women? How would you feel? I don't trust my own judgement on how serious this should be taken.

Yes deep down if I admit it this is it. I'm not in a position financially to have to make the jump if I come across what I know will be the end of the marriage. Mentally I think I would cope - just about but actually I don't want to be in this position at all and physically I couldn't stay if I saw any messages but it would leave me and 3 children homeless.. or in a house that we could not afford. I'm angry at letting myself get into this position I know it's not great. I just feel deflated and defeated at this point.

Thankyou for the messages it's really kept me together, it means an awful lot as I am feeling pretty vulnerable right now.

You don't do what you wouldn't do in front of your partner.

Anything else is bullshit.

Looking wouldnt bother me. I always have a scroll through social media and see lots of attractive men, sometimes il have a nosey at their profile then il move on with my day. We see attractive people every day, surely we can appreciate how people look without it meaning something sinister. It doesn't mean we want to take things further. But I do agree that messages or anything more would be cheating for me.
OP if you really suspect there could be more on this other social media account then you really need to look for your own sake and sanity. Dont let this spiral and take over your life. Just rip off the band aid as they say. If there are messages then you deserve to know and to make a decision based on the full truth. I couldnt stay, and if you couldnt either, then do what is right for you. Staying would just make you miserable. Everything else can be sorted out once you've got the truth.

It would not bother me at all. He has eyes to look. I’d happily look at attractive men too. It doesn’t mean I disrespect him. I’ve got eyes to see and appreciate other people’s beauty. Sadly it looks like you are insecure as you said it doesn’t make you feel good enough. There’s always other people that are more attractive than us. So what! He’s with you not them plus physical beauty is not the only thing that unites a couple. When we all get older and not as attractive as we used to be would we then worry that our partner will cheat? What about the bond that you have formed over the years?

I don’t think looking up the women just to look is cheating and I wouldn’t end my marriage over it. I think everyone is allowed to have private thoughts and to have a look at attractive people. We can’t control all aspects of a persons inner world nor should we try. As long as it stays as just looking and there is trust in the relationship and the relationship is otherwise strong, I’d be ok with it I think.
Any messages or attempts to engage at all, I would consider this cheating and would consider ending the marriage.

I think for me it would be better if he was looking at celebrities as then it’s more of a fantasy - we all have our celebrity crushes. If it’s girls he knows or knows of I would be more concerned as something more could come of it.

Not sure I'd be concerned too much about the looking if it was just part and parcel of general browsing, but I'd definitely draw a line at messaging/interactions.

Ask yourself how would he feel / react if it was you doing this? Would he be comfortable?

As a good rule of thumb I think if you feel the need to hide / keep secret anything you're doing from your partner when interacting with another person, then you know you're on dodgy ground, even if it might not have strictly strayed into the official territory of cheating.

This.
I think even the looking through is shit. I never have any desire to go looling through random mens profiles even when single..

A person can look and chat within reason but not touch you cannot stop someone looking atbthe opposite sex it real'red flag also checking phones and social media of a partner another red flag

Username checks out. 😂

Yes!

😂😂😂😂

It isn't cheating but it's not acceptable.