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Original poster

Major issues with FIL, his attitude and (Legally owned!) gun causing havoc in family....help!

53 replies

whataconundrum · 22/04/2008 09:27

Am so fed up.

Have a lovely DH and nice family generally but my FIL is an utter imbecile. It has gotten so bad that we cannot arrange family celebrations, and my Ds hardly ever sees his grandma

Ok deep breath...... my FIL and I are like chalk and cheese, he is heavily into hunting, shooting, fishing etc etc, anything that involves killing things.

He is opinionated and has repulsive ideas about people and life in general. he rules my MIL with a quietly controlling iron rod.

For the past year or so I find him so appalling that I cannot bear to go to their home. I do not feel comfortable that he owns a gun even though it is locked up as per the rules and regs. I do not want my DS to become contaminated by this man, hear all about his disgusting thoughts and see his hunting paraphernalia all over the place.

His grandma keeps inviting us over and I have come up with every excuse in the book, I just didnt want to hurt her feelings as it will involve telling her 'that is it' I findyour DH so awful that i literally cannot bear to lay eyes on him.

My Dh will not get involved and it is causing major rows and upset.

Sorry for rant, just so so and frustrated.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 22/04/2008 09:29

your DH does need to get involved as it is his FIL

i think a gun in the house is scary

can your DS not see his grandma seperately?

Original poster
whataconundrum · 22/04/2008 09:33

Hi Ruby

I too think a gun in the house is scary. he is a very weird man and sometimes I think...what if he really lost it.....ok maybe I am letting my imagination get the better of me but thats how bad it is.

I have treid so hard to drop 'hints' and his Grandma has an open invitation to our home but she is for some reason not keen to pop over. The FIl works from home and she retired last year and i get the feeling she is expected to be 'around'. sigh.

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 22/04/2008 09:33

Poor you.
I agree, your dh does need to get involved as it is his Dad. Also wanted to say that I wouldn't be too worried about ds picking up his attitudes and outlook; he's going to learn more from you, his Dad and his friends than from Grandpa.

Lauriefairycake · 22/04/2008 09:33

If you're married to the guy who is his son you don't need to worry about bad influences as he has you and him to steer his mind.

Your dh turned out fine around this twat, so will your son

RubySlippers · 22/04/2008 09:35

Laurie - i do agree with you, but also think that as this is affecting conudrum so much, he does need to step in?

margoandjerry · 22/04/2008 09:35

This is really tricky. I would hate the gun thing too - but his hobbies are legal (well, not hunting, but the others are I think) and by the sounds of it legally pursued.

Aside from the gun problem which I think is very reasonable, is it mainly the hunting fishing and shooting you don't like - you mention his disgusting thoughts but if those are just talk about shooting and fishing then I think you might have to put up with it. I'm not a country person myself but I think some country areas view all this as very normal whereas to me it's all weird.

Or does he have other views that you can't abide?

sarah293 · 22/04/2008 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChicaLovesHerLocalGreengrocer · 22/04/2008 09:41

AS MargoandJerry says, these are legal passtimes (even hunting if it's drag hunting).

If FIL has his gun locked up and in the proper place as per the police guidelines, and he doesn't get it out when you're there, I do think you're over-reacting a bit. Plenty of people have shot gun licences and use them for their 'sport'.

It sounds like it's more his attitudes that you don't like. That's fine. In life we'll all come across attitudes we don't like. Like the other posters, I really think your DC will be much more influenced by you and DP rather than occasional contact with their grandfather.

Can't you meet them, or at least MIL on neutral ground? Or at your house? It would be a shame for DC to miss out on contact with his grandma.

Original poster
whataconundrum · 22/04/2008 09:43

Hi Margo
Its difficult to go into details for fear of being 'identified' by people (other mums etc) in the family. there are issues realting to how he raosed his kids but i won't go into that.

He is one of these people who is so closed minded it is a wonder he can function at all. he refuses totry anything/do anything that my MIL would like but she is expected to traipse around after him all the time. he has a (nasty) opinion about everything, especially foreigners, single mums, previous employers, you name it. he talks insessantly about his health problems (nothing serious) and blames the whole NHS for his aches and pains (not himself being overweight and having smokes 30 a day for 40 years) Oh god I could go on.........

But yes the main thing is the gun, why oh why does anyone other than the police or perhaps farmers need a bloody gun????? In the house???? I think it must be to make the rest of us feel insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
whataconundrum · 22/04/2008 09:45

So should I just be upfront with MIL?

Can't go on like this surely.

OP posts:
ChicaLovesHerLocalGreengrocer · 22/04/2008 09:46

But does he go on about the gun? Does he use it? Does he take it out and lovingly clean it? Or is it just there, locked away in its little grey locker?

nickytwotimes · 22/04/2008 09:47

God, he sounds like a walking version of the Daily Mail!
I personally wouldn't mind the gun but I live in the back of beyond where lots of farmers have tham. I can understand your worries though and I think they are reasonable so could you just be honest and say you don't want your son in a house where a gun is present?

FluffyMummy123 · 22/04/2008 09:47

Message withdrawn

RubySlippers · 22/04/2008 09:48

FWIW, my FIL and i do not have much (!) common ground

i have learnt to block out a lot of the stuff i find unacceptable, although some stuff i do challenge

i don;t think it can go on because your MIL will lose touch with her GS

purits · 22/04/2008 09:49

Are you a vegetarian?

Original poster
whataconundrum · 22/04/2008 09:51

Chica I know what you're saying. I suppose if he had the gun but was otherwise a reasonable person i could put it to the back of my mind.

The gun is kept locked away (well it was the last time I was there over a year ago) but his other 'stuff' is all around.

I just dont want my DS to form any type of attachment to this man. My DH actually agrees with this (it is the family opinion that he and his two sisters are great DESPITE their father not because of him- lots of upsetting isues here) but hasnt come up with any ideas as to how to maintain his contact with grandma.

I suppose there are no easy answers!

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 22/04/2008 09:53

Think you may be being slightly unreasonable about the gun, its for his hobby and whether or not you agree with it, its there. My grandd had a gun and i didnt know about it until i was about 10, and we were at hi house almost everyday! The parephenalia isnt going to harm your child tbh, you can just say you dont agree with hunting.

If he starts spouting anythuing sexist or racist ask him not to in front of the children or you will leave. Yoru children will then understand that those are opinions you dont agree with and nor will they.

He does sound like a bulllying man, but your children wont become contaminated in one short visit. Your dh needs to get involved, either talk to his mum and explain, or confront his father.

purits · 22/04/2008 09:59

So three people spent their formative years in the same house as this person and turned out OK but you are worrying about your PFB who only sees him once in a blue moon ...?

MoreSpamThanGlam · 22/04/2008 10:01

Did you know - more children die in houses with swimming pools by drowning than homes that have a gun in them. Does that make sense?

Your dh must feel really in the middle and it seems as if your sc is missing out and your MIL and your DH all because of this man. What do you want him to do? It sounds as if you despise this man so much that even if he disposed of the gun you would find another reason to not visit.

Surely you can visit for just short periods (a few hours say?) so that your MIL can see your dc?

Hw sounds like an arse but you sound very inflexible. Sorry.

crumpet · 22/04/2008 10:06

If he's as bad as you say then aren't the chances that your kids will see him for what he is? Especially if they know what you/the rest of the family think.

Think the gun is a separate issue and not necessarily relevant to the fact that he seems to be an unpleasant person.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 22/04/2008 10:11

He's a grandparent and won't be around forever so I do think you have to curb your intolerance a little. (You are after all being intolerant of the beliefs of another human being).

I think your kids could learn a lot, in the long run, from you gritting your teeth and letting them have contact with him and more importantly their grandma who is suffering through being married to him and suffering again from your inability to tolerate him so that she can spend time with her grandkids.

Lots of people have perfectly valid gun ownership, fully licenced in this country, particularly in the countryside. My father has more than a few and plenty of ammunition too but my ds s (5 and 2) are not old enough to understand about it yet so they don't even
know he's got them. When the time comes I'd be happy for him to show them how to shoot an airgun at targets but unfortunately I doubt he'll still be with us then.

Hunting, shooting and fishing or killing vermin/pest control is all part of country life which, given enough time, the government will destroy completely so make the most of its existance while you can.

Original poster
whataconundrum · 22/04/2008 10:13

Purits like I said my Dh and his siblings have tirned out well despite this man. None of them would choose to see him if it weren't for the fact of wanting to stay in touch with their mum. They have all had major problems because of him, as I said.

The problem isn't the legal rights or wrongs of his 'hobbies' vile and pathetic as they may be but the fact that he is generally fould and if i cannot bear to be in samwe room as him, why should my dc's be expected to.

the issue is how to broach this with my MIL, who is a good person and who I have no wish to hurt.

OP posts:
purits · 22/04/2008 10:27

So why does the thread title go on about owning a gun? If you had said 'my FIL has vile characteristics' then you would have got different, probably more sympathetic, responses. The gun-ownership is not the problem.
Also, how is it 'causing havoc'? You don't want to see FIL and DH doesn't seem bothered about the situation. So where is the havoc?

margoandjerry · 22/04/2008 10:31

he sounds really awful but you probably also have to face the fact that he's not going to change for you if he didn't change for his wife or children. And crucially, his wife isn't going to change either since she's put up wiht it for years too.

Are there ways to invent new family traditions so you always see each other on neutral territory? And maybe doing things he's not interested in? Can you have a regular family picnic somewhere he would hate? Or a trip to somewhere child-friendly that would be fun for your MIL but not for him? There must be things you can find to do with her that can become "your" things.

sleepycat · 22/04/2008 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.