He moves over a 100miles away & expects me to visit

Delightofturkish · 2024-09-30T23:59:46+00:00

Advice /sense please My rant …in brief boyfriend of 18months is an every other weekend dad . He cock lodged at mine for 3 months prior to his ex wife & son relocating to the same village as his new house share .We are both in our 50’s . He expects me to go visit him when he made the choice to move over 100 miles away .He used to make so much more effort in the early days (like they all do I guess .) He says all the right words but his actions demonstrate otherwise. i feel hurt tbh ! …I’ve requested a talk which hasn’t happened yet .in other words my suggestion would be we set up home together with my kids & his every other parenting ….without wanting to rush anything ..after 18months invested I don’t want to have my time wasted either . thoughts ??? Should I take the hint & cut my loses ?

Warburton154 · 01/10/2024 01:08

I feel ya but it’s such a personal decision

if you feel the relationship’s run its course then yes

Opentooffers · 01/10/2024 01:43

A man can only cock lodge because the woman let's him. It's good he's moved out, even if it is only to be near his ex and DC's who, I guess, must of moved 100 miles away - perhaps nearer to her family?
Look at what he is realistically capable of. Was he married, is he divorced? Are his finances actually quite dire, given that he cock-lodged with you and then can only afford a house share? It doesn't sound like you are financially even. He seems far off being able to get his own place, so I doubt moving in together is realistic. Now he probably can't afford the travel to see you. What's the point? The guy can't afford to date you, let alone live with you. Give him a miss, draw a line under 18months, it's better than wasting more time.

Garlictest · 01/10/2024 02:39

my suggestion would be we set up home together

Your solution is to have him cocklodging on a permanent basis?

Well, okay if that's what you want. What enhancements does he bring to your life? Cooks and cleans, best sex ever, shimmering conversational skills, has your back no matter what?

Because he'd better be worth it.

Ponderingwindow · 01/10/2024 02:49

If his child is now living 100 miles away, he really does need to live in that location as well. Are you prepared to move?

Sometimes logistics just aren’t in your favor.

Original poster

Delightofturkish · 01/10/2024 07:44

Opentooffers · 01/10/2024 01:43

A man can only cock lodge because the woman let's him. It's good he's moved out, even if it is only to be near his ex and DC's who, I guess, must of moved 100 miles away - perhaps nearer to her family?
Look at what he is realistically capable of. Was he married, is he divorced? Are his finances actually quite dire, given that he cock-lodged with you and then can only afford a house share? It doesn't sound like you are financially even. He seems far off being able to get his own place, so I doubt moving in together is realistic. Now he probably can't afford the travel to see you. What's the point? The guy can't afford to date you, let alone live with you. Give him a miss, draw a line under 18months, it's better than wasting more time.

Thanks opentooffers He now has more disposable income because of the new move ( wouldn’t we all if we just rented a room though eh )

OP posts:

Original poster

Delightofturkish · 01/10/2024 07:46

Thanks Opentooffers He got divorced 3 years ago ..he now has more disposable income ..but then I guess wouldn’t anyone who rents a room .

OP posts:

Original poster

Delightofturkish · 01/10/2024 07:50

Ponderingwindow · 01/10/2024 02:49

If his child is now living 100 miles away, he really does need to live in that location as well. Are you prepared to move?

Sometimes logistics just aren’t in your favor.

Both my kids who I have full time have their GSCE’s so I couldn’t uproot them . He is EOW Disney dad .

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 01/10/2024 07:55

Should I take the hint & cut my loses ?

Probably. His move suggests maybe he's putting his relationship with his son ahead of you, which I'm not sure is a bad thing.
You don't sound like you like or respect him much from your comments, sounds like staying with him may just be a 'sunk cost fallacy'.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2024 07:58

Why would you set up home with him. You don’t sound like you like him very much.

Lavenderflower · 01/10/2024 07:58

I don't get the purpose of your post. You describe as a Disney dad but want him to move in with you. It makes sense to prioritise his son and live near him.

rwalker · 01/10/2024 08:01

It’s run it’s course and he doesn’t seem that invested or interested

you sound bitter and angry in the terms u use to describe him

move on

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 01/10/2024 08:03

Why are you bothered? You don’t seem to like him or esteem him, you call him a clock lodger and then you want him to move in with you full time?

Get another bloke, this one is hardly the love of your life ( and he’s not that bothered either from your account).

Beautiful3 · 01/10/2024 08:04

I wouldn't visit my partner, if they decided to move 100 miles away from me! Think that's a clear sign they're not bothered about you. Cut your losses, say it's too long distance to continue.

Original poster

Delightofturkish · 01/10/2024 08:19

Lavenderflower · 01/10/2024 07:58

I don't get the purpose of your post. You describe as a Disney dad but want him to move in with you. It makes sense to prioritise his son and live near him.

We get on so well when we are together. I can’t just abandon & I’m not prepared to leave my kids for him .
i wonder what a reasonable set up would look like if we got a big place together where his kid could stay eow

OP posts:

crockofshite · 01/10/2024 08:22

If he expects you to make the effort to go and see him 100 miles away, why isn't he making the same effort to see you 100 miles away?

Kids grow up and won't always need their parents 24/7 so if the relationship is worth saving it's worth waiting for the time when you can spend more time together.

OwlishPeering · 01/10/2024 08:24

Delightofturkish · 01/10/2024 08:19

We get on so well when we are together. I can’t just abandon & I’m not prepared to leave my kids for him .
i wonder what a reasonable set up would look like if we got a big place together where his kid could stay eow

Show quote history

You’ve described him as a ‘cocklodger’, a ‘Disney dad’, and say he no longer makes an effort, while expecting you to visit him 100 miles away, and that he’s not been communicative when you’ve tried to talk — it makes absolutely no sense to move in with him,,especially when there are children involved!

Seriously, is your logic ‘Ive wasted 18 months on this man, better waste the rest of my life too’?

Google ‘sunk cost fallacy’.

Bectoria2006 · 01/10/2024 08:25

I’m struggling to understand what redeeming features this man has that you want him to visit you. Sounds like he’s done you a favour!

Tiredofthewhirring · 01/10/2024 08:28

He sounds awful and you clearly don't like him.

Why bother?

Timeforaglassofwine · 01/10/2024 08:29

Has he said he won't visit you? Is he asking you to make the 200 mile round trip every weekend, or will it be a 50/50? He can't be a father to a child who lives 100 miles away, so it shows his priorities are right there at least. If you don't want long distance, that's fair enough.

PaminaMozart · 01/10/2024 08:30

my suggestion would be we set up home together with my kids & his every other parenting

Why on earth would you want to do this?

Should I take the hint & cut my loses ?

Now you're thinking straight...

Lavender14 · 01/10/2024 08:32

Tiredofthewhirring · 01/10/2024 08:28

He sounds awful and you clearly don't like him.

Why bother?

This was the vibe I was also getting. You've just described him as a cock lodger who has taken advantage of you, someone who undermines his ex and only sees his kid every other weekend despite living near them and who expects you to do all the running? Lots of this would be an immediate turn off for me.

Why are you in the relationship if this is how you see him? Throw him back and start dating again!

Ubugly · 01/10/2024 08:36

How old is his DC and who is doing to 200 mile round trip?

It soon gets very boring and tiring for kids as my son used to have to do this then refused very early on. Kids want to see friends and doesn't anyone have weekend activities?

LittleGreenDragons · 01/10/2024 08:36

my suggestion would be we set up home together with my kids & his every other parenting …
Good grief NO. Never set up permanent home with a cocklodger or Disney dad, and YOU have described him as that.

Use your money wisely and pay for some decent therapy. Why? Because your posts could be either from a desperate woman or from a goady troll. Both require counselling, fast.

viques · 01/10/2024 08:38

Delightofturkish · 01/10/2024 08:19

We get on so well when we are together. I can’t just abandon & I’m not prepared to leave my kids for him .
i wonder what a reasonable set up would look like if we got a big place together where his kid could stay eow

Show quote history

What it would look like is him with even more disposable income since he wouldn’t be paying for his house share, would in all likelihood contribute minimally to household living expenses, which would increase because he and the child were living there.

Oh, and you would lose your single persons council tax reduction. You would end up resenting him, and your kids would have to accommodate a new child in their lives.

Find a decent hotel half way between your houses and meet up every couple of weeks for a night of lusty passion.

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 01/10/2024 08:42

Good God, get a grip woman!