He moves over a 100miles away & expects me to visit

[Delightofturkish]

Advice /sense please My rant …in brief
boyfriend of 18months is an every other weekend dad . He cock lodged at mine for 3 months prior to his ex wife & son relocating to the same village as his new house share .We are both in our 50’s .
He expects me to go visit him when he made the choice to move over 100 miles away .He used to make so much more effort in the early days (like they all do I guess .) He says all the right words but his actions demonstrate otherwise.
i feel hurt tbh ! …I’ve requested a talk which hasn’t happened yet .in other words my suggestion would be we set up home together with my kids & his every other parenting ….without wanting to rush anything ..after 18months invested
I don’t want to have my time wasted either .
thoughts ??? Should I take the hint & cut my loses ?

He doesn't have anything to offer you , time , money , priority etc you would be foolish to invest more time in him .

Then why do you want a relationship with him? He's not even a good parent.

You've not said once nice thing about him so far. Why are you thinking of moving in with him??

How old is his son? Assuming a child or young teenager from wording, not 36.

So he stayed with you for 3 months. If that was cock lodging then you didn't set clear terms of board/ shopping etc.

Why would you expect him to prioritise living with you and your kids full time over being near his child? It sounds like he is absolutely making the right choice and if that means modest accommodation, so be it. Which is going to feel and look better to his son both now and in the future? I think you're throwing in a few MN keywords there for support. Disney dad etc but I'm not sure what he's actually doing that's so wrong.

If you want to make it work set a hard limit of how much travel you will do and what you expect from him and if it isn't adhered to, end things. Long (and longish) distance takes equal commitment and work.

Sounds like he has put his son first which is absolutely what he should be doing, just as your Dc come first for you. I think if you continue you will have to accept it is a long distance relationship but I think he should come to you and that sometimes you could travel to him. It's not equitable putting the cost and time of a 100 mile trip onto you. You desrve better treatment - perhaps the relationship has run it's course and really you just arent that into each other.

I think the fact he moved 100 miles away should be the real source of your hurt, but you aren't said why he did - it really doesn't sound workable now that his son lives in his village. Your suggestion we set up home together with my kids & his every other parenting doesn't sound very realistic, sorry.

It sounds like he wants to put his child first, which is laudable, but by doing so he'll stay 100 miles away. I would think that if he was so keen on being with you, he'd at least make the effort on the weekends he doesn't have his child.

Kid is 13 …guess Im discovering the reality & pitfalls of dating when both parties have kids to consider in this day & age ..just thought I’d be brave & dip my toe after losing my husband to cancer a 3 years ago

Why do women pick these useless men and then moan about it, but still want them? You bring this drama on yourself 🙄

Sorry about your loss, I hope things improve for you and you find someone more available and local.

You sound like you don't like him or have any respect for him.

So sorry about your husband💐 What I would say to bear in mind is that when dating, some relationships have a good chunk of the right ingredients that seem to work but aren't a good fit long term. Logistics can be a major reason for that. You might have a few of these nice but shortish term things that don't necessarily mean remarriage or long term happiness. That's fine. It's helpful to accept how to see how it goes, enjoy the company for what it is and where to draw the line.

Precisely.And you don’t think this is odd OP?
… He cock lodged at mine for 3 months prior to his ex wife & son relocating to the same village as his new house share….

You are angry that he has moved to live 100 miles away from you, yet you want him to be the kind of person who will live 100 miles away from his child.

So why would you want to be with a man like that?

Op I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your husband.

The replies you’ve had here make absolute sense, and in particular I agree with everyone who’s saying it’s good that your partner is putting his kid first, but I just wanted to say that I get where you’re coming from. I’ve just come out of a very similar relationship where ultimately I wasn’t high on his list of priorities, having proper talks never happened, and he would unilaterally make big decisions that affected both of us. I can also relate to having very little positive to say about the relationship! But despite that, it’s easier said than done to switch feelings off, and I get it about hoping things would improve.

Personally it helped me to think what kind of relationship would I would want for my own kids. Sending you best wishes 💐

It doesn't even seem that you like him!

What are his good points?

It sounds like the relationship has come to an end.

Your kids father died of cancer, they will be traumatised by this, they definitely do not need your cocklodging, Disney dad (as described by you) boyfriend moved in to their home.
Just date him if he massively enhances your life and is fun, and you respect his part time Disney parenting/find that attractive. Keep your kids out of it.

Of course he needed to move away to be close to his child. His child is his priority, just like yours are to you. Stop being so bitter and angry about that

He doesn't sound like a waste of space particularly to me. He got divorced, his ex wife moved 100 miles away so he decided to move to be closer to his son. Isn't eo weekend about normal for divorced non resident parents? He wants to be near his child. Why does that make him a ' Disney dad'? Let him go. You seem to not like him very much anyway, so the relationship has clearly running course, 18 months or not. If you had a good time until now, it's not a waste of time.

He moved 100 miles away from you into a house share and is expecting you to do all the traveling. I'm sorry to be brutal but he's just too chicken to call it quits and is waiting until you do.

You want a boyfriend who will put you at the centre of his life and that is perfectly reasonable, but this man is not in a position to do that. The logistics make it impossible, unless you are willing to move to where he is and that would presumably be disruptive for your own children.

He moved 100 miles away from you without any discussion or negotiation, no invitation to move once the kids are finished their GCSEs, no future planning...he won't even visit you. I don't see how he could be clearer without actually respectfully sitting you down and telling you that the relationship has run its course.

Your own words are telling you what to do.

He's a useless cocklodger, EOW Disney Dad, stingy (hence the leeching off you until he got something he wanted more than free food, housing, washing and sex).

Sounds like he used you. Might have quite liked you, but he used you nonetheless.