He moves over a 100miles away & expects me to visit

[Delightofturkish]

Advice /sense please My rant …in brief
boyfriend of 18months is an every other weekend dad . He cock lodged at mine for 3 months prior to his ex wife & son relocating to the same village as his new house share .We are both in our 50’s .
He expects me to go visit him when he made the choice to move over 100 miles away .He used to make so much more effort in the early days (like they all do I guess .) He says all the right words but his actions demonstrate otherwise.
i feel hurt tbh ! …I’ve requested a talk which hasn’t happened yet .in other words my suggestion would be we set up home together with my kids & his every other parenting ….without wanting to rush anything ..after 18months invested
I don’t want to have my time wasted either .
thoughts ??? Should I take the hint & cut my loses ?

I’m not sure he’s awful
you sound very angry that he prioritised seeing his child over living close to you, and you’re pretty dismissive of this with the “Disney dad” comment.

he’s doing the right thing. Staying close to his child. He’s not awful for doing that

You've got the ick, you don't sound like you like or respect him much.

He should prioritise his child, that s not a bad thing.

18 months is the perfect length of time to see if a relationship is worth continuing, this one isn't working so you cut your loses.

Quite!
Read about the sunk cost fallacy. 18months is nothing

He's a Disney boyfriend maybe.
And not a good full time partner.

Ouch …not desperate just finding it hard when I’ve invested into someone who I love & think so much of & miss .
I’ve probably been too kind in helping him out I guess ( that’s me too kind for my own good at times I guess )

Never heard of the sunk coast ( Thankyou ) there maybe a bit of that I’m realising .just had positive hopes for things to turn out well ..feeling a fool

Getting on well when you're together is fine, but if he's 100 miles away how often is that? I think he's made his priorities very clear - his kids - which is the right choice IMO. However, you and your relationship with him are not his priority and if he CBA to visit you now he's moved I think that's your answer right there. If it were me, I'd cut my losses and end things.

How long has him moving been on the cards? It's not a distance that happens at short notice. A fair chunk of your 18 months this move would have been in planning. The writing was on the wall from that moment. A LDR isn't going to work when neither parent can, or should, move their DC. You can imagine what living with him would be like, but in practice it's not possible. I suspect both of you have been avoiding the inevitable conversation till he went. You need to face it's over really. You can do better than a man who took advantage of you while staying and one who's nearer.

You sound contemptuous of him and his family set-up. Describing someone as a 'cock lodger' and 'Disney Dad' while wanting to set up home with him living with your kids is irresponsible and unrealistic on a number of counts:

1. If you disrespect him as much as it seems, why have him living with your children?

Why would you have a man live full-time with you who you barely even seem to life and are uncertain about his commitment, causing upheaval to your children and his child? 2.Why do you want him to move 100 miles away from his child? You sound like you don't respect his responsibilities to his child at all. If he lives in the same village as his son, that's better for his child not just when his dad has custody, but because his dad will be familiar with the area and hopefully part of the community which will make his parenting more seamless - he'll be more familiar with the context of his son's everyday life. 3.If he was that keen on you, why did he not make the decision to live closer to you in the first place? Seriously, it sounds like he just isn't that into you.

What's the point if this is how you feel and talk about him?
Cocklodger.
He rents a room.
He's a Disney dad.
He's 100 miles away.

It does not sound like a particularly stable or enthralling situation from where I'm sitting.

Disney dad
Cocklodger
Says nice things but doesn't follow through with actions
Moved 100 miles away and won't share travel
Won't have an adult discussion about important issues
These are your words about a man you are planning a long term future with. Doesn't sound like you actually like him very much. Also doesn't sound as if he's very much of a catch . You are in your 50s. Time to raise your standards. Being alone I'd better than hanging on to a waste of space

Sorry OP but this relationship is not sustainable. You say he was a cocklodger and those types of people don’t ever respect you. 18 months is a fleeting amount of time in the grand scheme of things and if a boyfriend of 18 months moved 100 miles away that would be a clear indicator for me that the relationship is untenable. He lived off of you when it suited him and now he’s moved he wants you to put all of the money, time and effort into travel while again he does nothing. Nah throw him back and accept it’s done.

As for people who are saying it sounds as though you don’t like him very much, you can like someone but we aware that their behaviour is not acceptable. He doesn’t sound as though he’s someone most people with common sense would actively want to put roots down with. What is it that makes you want to be with a man who by your own admission has a poor character traits? I mean this in the nicest way possible but perhaps you should take some time to work on your self esteem.

Have you said to him, ‘why do you expect me to travel 100miles to see you? Are you going to travel to see me?’

Definitely cut your your losses and end it OP. 18 months is nothing in comparison to a future with someone who expects to you to trek 100 miles to visit him nd stay in one room.
You were too accomodating letting him stay with you whilst he planned his move, but realistically how did you expect this to pan out? Best to end things now, he's quite rightly prioritised his kids, but l'm afraid your relationship is the collateral damage.

Travel 100 miles to sit in his rented room. He doesn't even have his own place. How is he facilitating EOWE contact with his child? He sounds like a bit of a waster.

Good grief, are you desperate? Your description of him makes my insides dry up and seal themselves. Id prefer to be single and buy a rampant rabbit.

Why are you even in a relationship with this man? you've described him as a cock lodger and he has moved away but expects you to visit. He's a disney dad to boot.
Respect yourself and raise the bar for goodness sake. No man is better than any man who isn't fully commited to you and treats you properly.

I can’t just abandon & I’m not prepared to leave my kids for him .

Oh the irony! He’s obviously not prepared to leave his kid for you either which is ok because a parent should put their kids first but arrangements for you two meeting need to be fair and equal. Is there a reason you both couldn’t alternate travelling to each other?

Do you want to be with him or do you just want a relationship because you’ve put time into it? You called him a cocklodger, a Disney dad, you clearly look down your nose at his living arrangements. You really don’t sound like you respect or even like him. Equally he needs to make the effort to share the travel and if he isn’t then he obviously doesn’t care for you as much as you’d hope

You talk about him with such contempt (disney dad, cock lodger...), why are you even in a relationship with him?

@Delightofturkish

look I'm about your age. I get that you were hoping this was going somewhere & you enjoy being with him.

however, read up more on the sunken cost fallacy.

if he was invested in your relationship he would have discussed all of this with you. How to take your relationship forward whilst you BOTH do the right thing by your children. He didn't, he's moved into a bedsit 100 miles away. Thats not FOR his child, that's to save him the inconvenience of driving EOW which he now expects you to do instead.

yours are GCSE stage & wont benefit from you being up at his bedsit at least EIW if not EW.

He might be good company when he's around, but this has no legs.

Ditch & try again!

Any reasonable set up would have involved a discussion about the move before it happened.
The fact he didn’t feel you should be included tells me you’re quite low down his priorities.

Seeing that a serious relationship is important to you and the fact you’re resentful of the whole new set up.id say the relationship has run its course tbh.
A reasonable set up would be to carry in with your respective life. Separately.

You’re not a fool.

You had a man who knew how to make just the right noises to keep you happy. Until other stuff became more important.

He has shown you who he is.
You need to believe him.

He won’t always expect me to do the drive down to his

I’m feeling very hurt yes

Surely he is doing absolutely the right thing - living near his son? Even if it is only EOW - the closer he is, the more informal contact he can have - everyone knows that as children grow older they will have friends/ hang outs/ parties and won't want to travel to see dad

You actually sound incredibly selfish - you want him to abandon his son - ask his son to do 100 mile EACH WAY - to a house with you and your children???

His son should come first and you should support that if you understand how childrens needs work out as a parent yourself.